my cellphone just alerted me to new voicemail (330am) that the guy left at 1058pm. and here i thought he hadn't called like he said he would. and now he probably thinks i dissed him and am playing games. living in the sticks kinda sucks sometimes.
You are a master of the Force! The Dark side IS more powerful! Ever wonder how only 2 sith manage to keep balance with 500 Jedi? We rule the galaxy even after the Jedi tried to destroy us for centuries.
Consider the battle of Endor. Imperial "dark side" troopers held a tiny piece of land, well away from th Ewok town. There we stayed out of Ewok affairs for some months. When the "light side" arrived they told the Ewoks that C3-PO was God. If they didn't so as he said, he would become angry and use his magic. Skywalker then used his Force powers to levitate C3-PO essentialy making slaves of the Ewoks out of fear.
Now who's really evil? Law and Order, or Ewok Slave Masters?
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
The more questions you answer, the more we can say. We are at least 95% sure of match percentages and personality speculation, since we account for a reasonable margin of error based on the number of questions she's answered. This analysis is cool. Matches are calculated This Way.
Freya Indeed, you are 79% erudite, 91% sensual, 58% martial, and 66% saturnine.
Freya, twin sister of Frey, is a member of the Vanir family, the Norse clan of Fertility Gods. Like her counterparts, Aphrodite, Isis, Venus, and Ishtar (Greek, Egyptian, Roman and Indian mythology), she concerned herself with sex and all that goes with it.
She was quite fond of cats, by the way. In fact, she was said to travel about in a magnificent chariot drawn by her two regal black cats named Bygul and Trjegul (Pronunciation? You're on your own...) that were rumoured to be possessed. After serving Freya for 7 years, the cats were rewarded by being turned into witches, disguised as black cats. Even many of her personal traits seem cat-like. For instance, she always wore a brilliant jewel studded collar symbolizing her authority over the fiery aspect of sexuality.
Besides being the Goddess of love, cats, the moon, magic, and of course sex, Freya was also skilled in a form of magic called "seithr" (meaning "sayer" or "seer") which consisted of putting oneself into a deep meditative trance so that the secrets of the future might be revealed. She also owned a feather coat which she could use to fly between the worlds.
The Fifteen Goddesses
These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in …
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 59% on erudite
You scored higher than 81% on sensual
You scored higher than 62% on martial
You scored higher than 70% on saturnine
If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Mythological Goddess Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=399 2216679008205011" title="http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=399 2216679008205011" target="_blank"http://www.okcupid.com/tests/...
Call yourself Rick James, bitch. Because you are a SUPER FREAK. There's almost NOTHING you won't do. And you're probably proud of it, despite the fact it scares the bejeezus out of everyone else in the world. Just stay away from anything call the "Donkey Show", it might just give you new ideas...
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
i so kicked the lawn's ass.. it looks great. if i can just get rid of that junk and 2 junk cars that belongs to my ex by the shed it'd be awesome! i need to fence in the backyard and get a pool too :)
What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?" - Results:
You're a little gold key, and you unlock other people's hearts. Your kindness and willingness to be there for those you care about lets people open up to you knowing they will be accepted. People will rely on you, but be careful not to give more than you have.
Slutty Sexpert You scored 57% Experience and 42% Sluttiness!
You are an experienced lover and your lovemaking abilities have been taken to a good level. But you still have a slutty side which can lash out at any moment, maybe trading a partner for someone with less substans, more looks and muscles. But you tire after a while and go back to the good fuck again...but once in a while you just have to walk the slutty path.
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 40% on Experience
You scored higher than 99% on Sluttiness
If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Sexpert or Slut Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=171 26093529581575676" title="http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=171 26093529581575676" target="_blank"http://www.okcupid.com/tests/...
=http://is2.okcupid.com/graphi...The Results ARE IN! You are:
78% Slut
Your above score was normalized against the average, so don't even TRY to disagree with us. Science is certain, and so are we: you are absolutely 78% Slutty.
Scored by OkCupid.com, free online dating: www.okcupid.com We are also the Inventors of SparkNotes and TheSpark.com.
A Few Collected Statistics. Of all 1268676 test takers:
damn the dream i had last night.. walking down the road after leaving a bar, my shoes are off, i stop to put them on... two guys pull up in a sliver car, hit on me, start following me... something about a train-thing, more of a parking lot people transport i think... the same two male strangers that were together in the car were there, one hopped on the 1st train, but me and the other ended up sitting facing each other on the 2nd, overcrowded train then being at a bar or something with them... then something about a game involving like a volleyball and net, but it wasn't volleyball and it was very important like our lives rode on it... submarines (why? i don't remember really)... something having to do with swimming... then back to the bar... the guys wanting me to go with them... the one i was with on the train seeming to have been around me all night... then kev calling, i tell him i'd come over, but i don't really want to leave that guy... me telling the guy about kev... and procrastinating on leaving him...
have you ever had a dog or cat show up at your doorstep? you initially might kick at it and tell it to get the hell outta there, but it is persistant, keeps showing up despite your best efforts, so you eventually go ahead and feed it. now that you have fed itm it hangs around alot more... and you almost come to think of it as yours. it of course is still technically a stray, and it owes you no loyalty. some of these strays may turn out to be beloved pets that are fiercely loyal and protective.. maybe even to a fault, or perhaps they wander as they please... going away for weeks, and then coming back looking for a handout. but its your problem. you afterall, did make the choice to feed it. you are in a quandry.. you may find yourself kinda attached to it... it might still be a bit of an annoyance... but then what do you do with it? you might kinda want to keep it, but do you stick a collar on it and force it to stay, and run the risk of it either disappeering or running off and coming back with something nasty each time its left unsupervised? you could just call the pound to collect it and keep it away, and rid yourself of the imbroglio altogther... perhaps it even has a rightful owner that it should be returned to? and then what to do if you already have other pets? or if you have the bad habit of feeding strays? such a mess. what to do? i tend to kick most of the strays myself. but occasionally there is one that for whatever reason catches my eye...
ok kev has pissed me off again, the how and why isn't important... but i need a damn fuck buddy/friend with benefits/boyfriend/hellif iknow that can keep up with me and knows the meaning of "safe, sane and consentual" and that understands "give and take" and that i can have a reasonable conversation with... is this too much to ask?
i just actually read that water rat thing... some things struck me, as things usually do in horoscopes...
They can also be lone tumbleweeds, seldom making lasting friendships. Known as Perfectionists, they never want to lose face...
Rats have the gift of insight and clairvoyance, so you better watch out what you think around them...
Hearty Bean Soup is one of the keys to good health for a Rat!! (this is funny i actually cook this when i have time, the homemade kind, not canned)
and last but not least after all that humanitarian gobbleygook...
Their natural charisma attracts members of the opposite sex like wildfire, but Water Rats often don't set their standards high enough and are quite indiscriminate in seeking love affairs... (anyone surprised here? anyone at all?)
WATER RAT Horoscope Feb 18, 1912 to Feb 5, 1913 Feb 15, 1972 to Feb 2, 1973
Rat people are so charming and attractive they are always surrounded by friends and admirers. They can also be lone tumbleweeds, seldom making lasting friendships. Known as Perfectionists, they never want to lose face. It takes an understanding friend to get them to "put on the dancing plumes." Rat people have vivid imagination and are known for creating extraordinarily magic moments in time. Not surprisingly, the sensitive Rats have the gift of insight and clairvoyance, so you better watch out what you think around them! Rats enjoy being leaders and pacesetters and usually enjoy extraordinary success in life.
Hearty Bean Soup is one of the keys to good health for a Rat!!
When water rats talk, people listen. Commanding and eloquent, always the center of attention, the Water Rats also have a soft side that endears them to the world. When the world needs, Water Rats are there. Humanitarian fighters against hunger, illness, sadness, they try to bring happiness to others through their compassionate endeavors and smiling warmth. When the world wants a friend, it's the loyal and sincere Water Rat which draws them in. The Water Rat has a successful career but money-wise, it's pretty much middle of the road. Changing free-spending ways could lead to financial security if they are willing to make the effort. Their natural charisma attracts members of the opposite sex like wildfire, but Water Rats often don't set their standards high enough and are quite indiscriminate in seeking love affairs, until they finally settle down later in life. Once this happens, they advance pretty far exhibiting oodles of charm with their loved ones.
Famous RAT people: Richard Nixon, Shakespeare, Prince Charles, Julia Child, Louis Armstrong, Prince Andrew, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Kathleen Battle, Albert Finney
I consider myself presently unattached, which means unmarried with no other serious relationships BDSM or vanilla. no one can seriously claim me either. i like partners the same way. pretty much if someone is going to get pissed and cuss someone else and you don't want that someone to find out it means you are attached. anything where you have to be all sneaking around also implies that you are attached somehow. if we can't be seen in public together, hell with you there too.
that said, a last excuse on kev...
before i actually meet anyone, i usually do 'fess up about him... but as i said in the last entry, i usually feel like i am guilty of lying by omission. a quote i have seen floating about sums it up, "Anytime you leave the wrong impression in my mind, no matter how you do it, by telling me part of the truth, or leaving out part of it, you have deceived me and lied."
now this i think is different than those PURPOSEFULLY omit things that should count... wives, girlfriends... kev and i are fuck buddies. i hardly even count him as a friend. i would like to maybe. but that might complicate things. as it stands right now he has no claim on me, nor me on him.
but should i omit him when telling people what i have going on?
just some thoughts... when i talk to "new" men, i generally omit my sluticious behavior with kev, and the fact that my friendship with tommy includes some light bdsm sessions. basically i took to heart the suggestion a buddy made to me that i could be "less honest" about these things... that until i decide so, what i do with others is my business as long as i am not telling them that i am mongamous and such. i still feel guilty about it. i know a guy or two i am interested in read this blog. so after i minimize my involvement with kev (which contrary to what a certain someone thinks is NOT an emotional love-type relationship.. we call.. we fuck.. we go home) and they read something here about me and him pounding out brains out i feel caught in a lie.
basically i want to get laid and play and do all the bad things i am used to, but i want to be able to take my time and get to know who i want to do these things with. i want a relationship beyond what me and kevin have going on. he doesn't give a shit (or so he is saying) what i do... he knows about kenny. he knows about tommy. he knows that he is the one i am actually fucking, which is i guess what counts to him. this is all fun. but i also want to find the "right" guy for me too... i don't want to end up being one of those who are perpetually looking... but i don't want to "settle" for someone who is almost "mr right." but can i find him while whenever i get horny i don't tell kev no? and then if someone i want to take my time with finds out that me and kev nailed each other less that a week ago, will they understand my feelings? that i don't know them yet, and i have a decent thing going with kev as far as the nookie number and we already have each other's cooties so to speak, and i feel reasonably safe playing with him... i mean i did go through that spell where he and i avoided each other... and whenever i have an interest that captures my imagination and i want that i can tell kev no...
from my understanding, guys do shit like this all the time. as far as i know kev "knows his place" so to speak in my personal life... although when we get together i am his cum guzzling gutter whore... and love it.
this is kinda morbid, but anyone want to hazard a guess as to how the new dog will die? i do not have the best luck with dogs.. tasha got struck by LIGHTENING after all... and the poor sheila...
when buster was having his fun with the hole in the foundation me and stepmom were joking about how i was going to have to tell tommy that i killed the dog by letting it get its head stuck in a hole and drowning...
tommy showed up late this morning with the puppy. unfortunately my sis was home so i couldn't satiate the cock whore inside me. and i do need... well let me not pervert this entry about the pup with my obsessions.
the puppy is a cutie, the color of a gingersnap with some black along his backbone. tommy made me promise several times not to kill it before he left. i had some errands to run so loaded the lil' guy up in the truck and took off. i needed to borrow the lawn thing from my dad and that was my last stop before going over to kenny's house. my step nephew was quite dissapointed that his matthew buddy was not with me. but thought the pup was pretty fun. my dad has 2 dogs, but they are older and lazy. the puppy and patrick about wore each other out... patrick is 5. my dad is building a house, has the foundation and frame and is working on the roofthere are these holes in the foundation for the drains, and some of them have standing water in them for whatever reason. holes just the size of the pup's head. after draining them (despite a water dish he had to drink from them) my stepmom got a bucket and filled them back up for the pup.
the dog went nuts. sticking his head in the hole. submerging his head, barking at the water, biting it, then slinging his head around splashing. then doing it again. we were all laughing so hard... the dog cued in on patrick.... the more patrick laughed the more he did it, looking right up at him each time. then he starts running around and every time he hit the water he put on the puppy brakes... skidCRASH... patrick is so red... he says his tummy hurts from laughing too hard, but he keeps laughing... and the pup keeps clowning.
my stepmom and i were debating on names for him, as patrick kept asking for it... i said i wanted to wait for matthew to name him. when i first saw him i thought he looked like a "buster" or something along those lines. shirley thought so too, although she favored "boomer." now it has been a tradition in our family to give pets people names... the cats are arnold, jane, bonnie (known as tater), daniel (the deathcat, the collector of souls), and sheba (she came pre-named). dogs have traditionally been names after bosses (their last name), this was handed down from my grandpa... but i haven't done it. i like my boss. i kinda like the people name thing though. when i talked to my son this evening i let him know about the pup, what he looked like, and the fact that he was nameless.... i also ran the list of names we had thought of... buster, boomer, buddy, scooter, crash, crunch... and asked if their were any boy dog names he liked. he said he liked buster... i swear i didn't influence him too much, i was starting to like scooter. i can't wait for him to see his new pup!
i had called kev last night, got his voice mail... given the hour, i'm not surprised. he did pick on me about how "some of us have to work for a living" the other night (i love my job... flexible hours, great boss... and for some reason those who do not like their jobs resent this) so i imagine he was probably asleep. it was way too late to go play with the marine too, although he is willing to come down here i rather meet him closer to beaufort or somewhere inbetween. so the ex's truck goes un-fucked in. i am dreading having to drive it to work. it smells like him and it makes me queasy. and MY rims are on it. they don't look good on it. his ram is a red long bed... mine is green and has a short bed and it has black hood scoops and it looks TOUGH and the rims belong on it. i am starting to wonder if there is something i can take or break on his truck. petty, yes, i know. childish even. tommy is online. i have pics of tommy molesting me in my truck one afternoon. maybe... hehehe... or maybe not. i have to be to work in awhile. there should be time... but then again i already masturbated a couple times this morning... not that that calms me down all that much, i can go again... i am cranky. i need fucked. my jason buddy is on leave but he went to michigan.. won't be back here until they bring his unit home... i like jason, in a friends sort of way. he's a good guy. grr... damn tommy didn't respond to my hello... i guess thats what i get for not answering any of his all week. karma. maybe if i just need to throw out at him that i am in a cock sucking mood and want him to violate me with my toys. he'd get off on the ex's truck bit too. but i rather be fucked. and i want kevin. i am a spoiled brat.
the mean marine says "you know i would be more than willing to fuck the hell out of your pussy" when i mentioned wanting to fuck someone all over his truck. the mean marine is fun.
i finally broke down and had my ex take my truck to fix the tranny leak. i know he is going to charge me more thanhe ought to (hell he OUGHT to do it free as much as he owes me, but i won't push it because it'd still be cheaper than a tranny shop... especially as i am female and they think they can charge us more). ken and his brother would have done it for next to nothing, but i figure my ex is a certified chrysler tech, and supposedly knows what he is doing....
anyway he got the truck, and the kid, yesterday. my truck had a full tank of gas, was cleaned out... he leaves me his to drive while he has mine.
dead empty. scary filthy. AND my rims that i have been asking him about that he was supposed to get back to me are on it. the rims he keeps telling me are at his brother's house.
Like many aries, you have demonstrated your penchant for inflicting pain. You feel you are at the center of the universe and that you must be in control. You enjoy being a leader... and you find that your aggression and quick temper serve you well.
Star wars character you are most like: The Emperor
You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.
yeah, i am feeling some jealousy right now. its mainly based on my kid though. i want to keep him but my ex gets to spend time with him. maybe i should become one of those psycho-exes that keep the kids from their daddies?
You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details.
An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.
Your Secondary Thinking Style:
Exploring
You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs.
An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.
my kid leaves to go to kansas with his paternal grandma in one week. i don't want him to go. its his "dad's weekend" this weekend too. no, i am not happy about this. not happy at all.
i have had a busy couple days, work, family stuff, ken on my nerves.. i'll post about that stuff later. right now i am just kinda sitting here, sore and sticky... just got home from kev's house. amusement times two tonight.
i had given kev a call earlier, trying to catch his drunk ass sober because i wanted to talk to him about this potential trip up to atlanta that may or may not happen with him. he was of course at the bar throwing darts (league thing). says he'll call me back in a few... no problem i figure i'll take a shower and all that 'cause i am betting that we will end up fucking.
sure enough when i am in the shower he calls back.. why don't you come on over and we'll have some fun he says. fine by me. feel up to two tonight? um... maybe... i am thinking perhaps he means colin who we had played with before. especially as the other night colin had said hello when me and kev were on the phone...
i head out toward his place, kinda stressing over the two thing. kev likes to watch... he has threatened gang bang stuff and all that, and i of course told him no way...
but i am worried.
so i call. i get the impression it is NOT colin. i stop and buy more condoms. i lost the condom battle with kev about a year or so ago. but anyone else is damn sure gonna use one.
me and him get to his house about the same time, and shit that goofy ass whorehopper has shaved his head... i rag on him about looking like one of my military boy pets. the friend he has with gets out of the truck and says oh like me hmm? he is a navy boy i think he said. whatever. good looking. and yep.. fuckable. i'm not sure if i want to.. but yeah... i could.
introductions were made.
he is trying to be too social. asking about my job etc.. small talk. i make it clear that i am pretty damn used to telling men what to do. kev was in the bathroom, came out on the tail end of the conversation. laughs... thinks he is immune to the Domme Bitch side of me. fuck i am horny for him though... we step into his room... deep kisses... i go for his cock... i have never ever EVER seen or felt him soft. he goes for me under my skirt... down to the bed, sucking him... he calls his buddy... the buddy is nervous... they probably had talked a line of shit at the bar, but now that it is put up or shut up time... well i am gonna make sure the buddy stays shut up... i toy with the buddy...but make it clear by my actions exactly whos cock i want... buddy laughs (yes i know his name, but i don't need to mention it) the buddy says "she is one cock hungry kitty" or something along that line... and kev... kev is so funny... it tickles me when he "shows me off" so to speak. i don't remember exactly what he was saying.
at one point it worried me that he was willing to share, especially given my fellow females' view on things... no respect... stuff like that. i have gathered a few neutral male perspectives on it, some range from "oh hell no, i'd have to kick someone's ass" to "wow... you must be some kinda nice ride if he is willing to do that." what i got out of my opinion gathering is everyone has their kinks... and if it works for us, have our fun... just do it safely.
i make buddy lie down on the bed and lose some clothes. nice cock... bigger than kev... i go down on buddy while kev takes me from behind... gawd i love him doing that... one of my favorite positions... buddy is having a hard time... or lack of one i should say... in between orgasms i make cutting remarks... not mean... but i am not being nice.
buddy gives up, leaves me with kev who fucks me silly.
kev asks if i like his friend while he fucks me... he gets off on that shit. do i like his friend's cock. i say his friend is too freaked out to function. or drunk. or something. kev leaves me... sends his buddy in. warns him that i might try to take control. buddy tries, its up and down. and i am not nice. i laugh and recount the story of how i made the one navy boy about cry because he was scared of the blue vibrating buttplug i made him buy... and my whips. this slightly freaks out buddy. no chance of getting hard now. what a shame. i knew what i wanted. and it wasn't him...
kev comes back... buddy goes in the other room...
kev fucks the living hell out of me.. the makes me take the top...i did it this time, no giggle fits. he rags on me for cumming too easy. how its not a challenge. whatever. i can give him a fucking challenge. he threatens me with not moving and me having to make him cum.. which is a challenge. i counter with a threat to fuck him until i get what i need and then leave his ass there and go home.. just try and go home before i cum he says... i want him to fuck me from behind... take my ass... fuck me senseless. and gawd yeah... he cums in me... not in my ass... i love that feeling. the way he cums. i'll have to go off on a tangent about men and cum sometime. he crashes and i gather my stuff and head out... buddy is in the kitchen. i tell him kev is all his. go for it. i throw out that kev is so passed out right now that he wouldn't notice... buddy makes a denial of homosexual fantasies to me... then asks "my gawd, passed out? what did you do to him?" i am amused. i doubt i'll see that buddy again. he is too nice.
i am planning on going to altlanta next weekend, and was thinking on going to some clubs or something... but i have no idea where to go. i like thw fetish stuff.. but have never really been to anything like that. but i don't want to go anywhere i will feel uncomfortable or way out of my league... any suggestions?
THE RAMONES lyrics - "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment"
I was feeling sick I was loosing my mind I heard about these treatments From a good friend of mine he was always happy smile on his face He said he had a great time at the place
Peace and love is here to stay and now I can wake up and face the day Happy happy happy all the time shock treatment, I'm doing fine
I was feeling sick I was loosing my mind I heard about these treatments From a good friend of mine he was always happy smile on his face He said he had a great time at the place
Peace and love is here to stay and now I can wake up and face the day Happy happy happy all the time shock treatment, I'm doing fine
i messed up yesterday, went into work at 6pm when i wasn't supposed to be there until 8pm. i was going to just head home (i live 7 minutes away is all) but my co worker was pretty geeked up and wanted to bail early. since i was indifferent i said sure, i'd stay and i'd clock her out and me in at 8. our job doesn't allow overtime unless they HAVE to, and she has releived me early here and there... but NO she clocked us in and out at 630... its gonna have my boss looking to have me come in late one day or something.
i dressed like a bum when i went into work. navy blue shorts. light green tshirt. sandles. for whatever reason the guys were hell i don't know wtf they were yesterday. what phase is the moon in? or maybe its because they were stuck with L for 2 days in a row and she cuts them no slack. i mean the guys are crazy, not criminal and she runs her shifts like a warden.
now they have seen my legs before. but for whatever reason the redheaded one that thinks he is a vampire sometimes decided it was pick on jen day. chicken legs. call KFC... clucking noises. and he kept STARING. of course i pick right back... he wasn't trying to be hurtful, just they act like they are 13 sometimes instead of grown men.
then one of the others spots a bowling pin in the bed of my truck. let's not even speculate as to what he was guessing its use was for.
THEN vamp guy and the one that thinks he is a staff member start going off on redwings. they know i have a weak stomach when it comes to nasty stuff.
i decide its time for their meds.
then we go to walmart. while we were out adam messaged my phone and i called him back.. he is a good boy, did the call stuff for me on my blind date the other night. i have the ring tones on my phone set different for everyone... and nosey ass "staff" says "was that adam?" i swear that guy knows everyone's business.
we get back to the home and they all go to their rooms after we watched resident evil. maybe not a good choice 'cause vamp guy kept whispering "virus" over and over again. but according to the other staff members' notes over the weekend his voices are bugging him bad.. so if he is nutting up, it doesn't matter what we were watching.
after they all go to bed i got my stuff ready to do med counts... kev calls my cell.
damn he is fucked up drunk. i could tell as soon as he spoke. i tell him i am at work until 9am and throw out a smart ass remark regarding his sobriety that was totally wasted. i doubt that given his state of drunkedness i would have gone to see him even if i hadn't been working. we get off the phone.
not five minutes later my cell rings again. "hey... what'cha doing?" um... i'm at work still remember? "i called you already, didn't i?" uh yeah kev... you ok? "no." um.. ok... what's wrong? "i'm fucking drunk!" no shit.
what the hell do i do with this guy?
why the hell does it have be him that fucking turns me on so much?
Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame! When you're up, you're a little bit crazy... And when you're down, your whole world is crashing Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!
The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
Traits involving emotions:
Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once
4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.
Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."
Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
Heavy need for affection and reassurance
Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
And... Men?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
my son, my mini me, would rather take an ass cutting and be sent to lie down than clean his room and whatever messes he has going on. i am at a loss. he is as stubborn as i was... i took quite a few whippings myself, to the point where i had brooms and rulers and yardsticks broken on me. it never succeeded in gaining compliance, and i would end up laying in bed, my stuff confiscated or thrown away or given to my siblings or whatever. i didn't care. even in a bare room my imagination was plenty entertaining... especially the vengence fantasies. don't get me wrong... i was basically a good kid, and usually volunteered to help with the housework, or just went ahead and did it because i knew that if i didn't it wouldn't get done.
my youngest sister never did shit around the house. she'd plead headaches. my mom would go off about the "poor baby" and her migraines. even in adulthood she hasn't really been responsible for her own housework. her mother in law used to clean her apartment for her before she and her hubby and their kids moved in w/ our mom. my nephew, her son, is 7. he is a lil' goth in embryo i swear... i mentioned the black stars and vampire with bloody hands and teeth christmas decorations he made? anyway... although he complains about picking up toys and trash, he does it without major prmpting or threats. he lives to vacuum. i had lost it and sent my kid to go lay down a bit ago and told my nephew to go play.. i figured that maybe seeing his cousin "rewarded" might do something to gain some semblence of compliance from my kid (not). i was using the carpet cleaner in the livingroom when jeremy (my nephew not the "goth geek" i kinda know) comes in there... "jennifer can i do that please?" "huh? what do you want?" "i want to do what you are doing." "um... ok"
well i did go out with alex... if you can call sitting at starbucks for quite awhile attempting to break language barriers and then going to the music studio he has set up for himself going out. i had fun. definately a nice guy. interesting. he is from hungary... i had thought it was bosnia because that is where joe is from if i am remembering correctly. but anyway... long term potential? naw. fun here and there... sure.
i must admit i did call kev when i was on the way home... i figured since i was in town anyway that way if he wanted to play i wouldn't have to drive back. he said he was getting drunk tonight and i should go home and go to bed.
this is something i don't really get... the getting shit faced drunk for the mere sake of getting shit faced drunk. tommy does it too. i believe both of them are irish descent... is it genetic? i am of scandinavian ancestry. i don't drink, but my grandpa and aunts and uncle on my dad's family do. my dad had converted to mormonism in his late teens.
i had gone through a spell of trying to drink in my late teens... i didn't get high or buzzed. basically didn't do much for me, then all of a sudden i'd be fubar. the drunk state and hangover state would hit at the same time. so now if i am hanging out with someone who drinks i might take a sip of whatever he is drinking, and thats it.
well back to the date, it is going to be fun messing with joe about what alex might have said... especially since i didn't get half of what alex said while we were together. alex did say that i should call him and all that.
tommy is ticked at me i think because i couldn't get away to see him this morning. but i had all the kids... my son and nephew and niece. i might have been able to leave them with sis, but she was cranky and needed a nap.
earlier me and my kid were taking a nap, and sis was ready to go somewhere and wanted to know if i was still going out and should she take my kid... but he was (and still is) pretty moody for whatever reason. he says all he wants to do is stay home and play xbox and color. can't say i blame him. we stay on the go it seems. i can't remember the last time i cooked supper at the house and we had a nice quiet evening.
so is it bad that i fuck kev but go out with other guys? he is well aware of this fact. i did go through that spell where we weren't playing... but bad habits die hard. and is he really THAT bad of a habit? i have made like an entire list of reasons why i shouldn't play with him, ranging from my clothes always getting messed up to the potential for jailtime for our extreme "public displays of affection." granted our latest outdoor recreational area has been private enough, out of the handful of times we have been out there there has only been one car drive through the area and they were probably looking for their own spot to fuck. but i am sure at some point during the night the police patrol it. last night it was pretty nice out there. the rain... hearing the cars pass overhead clueless as to what is happening beneath them... the river not too far away... the way kev kisses me, his hands in my hair... we had started to just meet at his house, he likes risks though. i think he likes getting caught.
my kid had his last day of school yesterday. he is geeked up for the summer. sis gave him a $25 gift certificate that he got a teenage mutant ninja turtles game with. we had gone to the mall and i got him a social distortion t-shirt he HAD to have. and bought him a copy of the black stallion while we were at barnes and noble and a viper transformer's toy at KB toys. then we went to walmart, and he spotted a static-x cd that we don't have (walmart edits out all the "f-bombs" in their cd's) and he HAD to have that because he LOVES static-x. i just asked him who his favorite groups are and he says static-x, devo, johnny cash, social distortion, NIN... his most favorite song in the whole world (and it has been for a year or so) is "ring of fire." he used to think it was about how love is like volcanoes, because of the pacific rim "ring of fire." he attempted to tell his teacher once about how volcanoes work and how his great grandma jean lives near the ring of fire and you can see volcanoes from her house (mt ranier... damn i could go for some fresh ranier cherries, those kids would set up a fruit stand selling them and i'd buy a bag... i miss washington).
when me and him and sis got home i let him stay up to play with his new stuff.
while he played i went online. i had a message from joe reminding me that i really really need to call his buddy alex. and i chatted with the mean marine who was highly dissapointed that their was no way in hell i would ever wear the corset i bought because it pissed my boobs off. said hello to jeremy and rob and a few other people and looked on ebay at corsets. there is a red one that they all think i need. kenny was fussing at me for not calling him or returning his calls. jeff threw his # out at me because i was bitching about needing to get offline... me and him have chatted a few times, i don't know what exactly he is interested in.... he had thrown out a meeting for coffee idea at me before, but i had other plans.
so i got offline. called alex. he is from bosnia or serbia or something like that i think. has some problems speaking and understanding english. i agreed to maybe go out with him tonight. then i called jeff. we were hitting it off pretty good i think. i was also trying to get my lil' brat to bed. he kept arguing "but i don't have to go to school." then my cell phone rings. kev. i get off the phone with jeff and call kev back...
meet him on wilmington island.
fuck our brains out.
i got home at 430 am, 15 min before my sis had to leave for work.
it was one of those nights were thinking about him afterwards could about make me cum again.
yes, as a matter of fact i HAVE lost my frickin' mind....
last year kev had wanted to go to atlanta with me and my sisters, our kids, and our mom. i was pretty mean. not just a reply of "no" but a "wtf are you thinking?" no. i have been toying with the idea of going up there with an adult friend. preferably one i have sex with. i threw out the idea when i was on the phone tonight with him. he says 1st weekend in june is fine with him. or any weekend.
keep in mind me and this guy have never been on an actual DATE even. we have just been fucking our brains out for over a year now.
i was #2 a few minutes ago, and damn if i ain't 28 now. i think this is where i was comfotably residing prior to someone trying to use my blog to "get rid of Godsmack."
a Dom-friend of mine emailed me this quite some time ago...
ACID TESTS for DOMS
Introduction The term "acid test" is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the Acid Test was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the fool's variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee. There is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVER MEET IN PERSON.
Most of these tests are designed for submissive females trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes.
Step One: Do the Math Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. If there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in doubt, throw it out!"
Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they vanilla or otherwise. So don't be disheartened by all these distractions. BUT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME EITHER. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don't give him three strikes or extra chances to win. Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!
Step Two: Know Your Enemy We call them Snerts. We call them HNGs (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we call them rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don't bother thinking they are anything less -- or more. Even a well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don't (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).
The Snert Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply easy lays. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn't deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their scenes.
The HNG (Horny Net Geek) HNGs are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their D/s jargon and the scenes they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porn sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms playing with their subbies. Dont waste your time with them.
Control Freaks The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call controlling personalities. They are the people that want to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves naturally attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so in command of all things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Control Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about taking care of you and also knowing what's best for you. They almost always try to play on your emotions, especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the mental aspects of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard. The average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you, it's very hard to get untangled.
Rapists and Predators The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage your health or end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank managers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from these vile creatures, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is to never make yourself too vulnerable.
To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in's and out's of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all, TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey. They tend to be impulsive. If a dom suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play hard to get.
Step 3: Know your goal! Take the time to figure out what you want. Its often hard for newbie subs to do this because they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. Start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and donts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it's your ASS that's (literally) on the line here.
Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands a high level of energy and control. Giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you.
Guess what? Sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. Its a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the puzzle piece that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that's exactly like you. You won't find him. Don't look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn't exist.
ABOVE ALL, if your prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you're likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn't likely to make demands until its time to play.
Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!
Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Dont waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.
Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like "please, call me Mike."
Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ol' "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.
Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!
Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question" or "Its not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that" are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!
Test #6: "It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it's your Limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be dom tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, its ALWAYS LADY'S CHOICE! {{sub's choice}}
Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it. Once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.
Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says no, run for your life! If he says, very rarely, at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.
Test #9 "Im a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldnt it be nice to meet a rich Dom? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile: if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he's likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!
Test #10 "I'm 33 years old, and Ive been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and it's a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don't care about the intricacies of D/s, they want to get laid. Trust me on this one, ladies. I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when he was still using Clearacil?
Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be very experienced. Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNGs have female screen-names set up to act as references for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guys ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene it's the opposite. Experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.
Test #12 "I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a dom has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!
Test #13 "I don't need safe words." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?
Test #14 "My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them." If you hear a "dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his slave is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.
Test #15 "I'm married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one to you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently, but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.
Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the same mistake twice if you can help it.
Step 5: Its not just the men you have to screen! Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players, they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!
However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNGs who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous: the Victim.
A Victim is just that: a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually
