had my court thing this morning/afternoon. all is well. informed steve i'd prefer "fucknugget" to "doober." might see him tomorrow. lee is hot after me still. he is messaging right now. heh. talked to david today too. he says i worry him. if i didn't i wouldn't be me though. i wonder if he and his fiancee are going to get things straight. i am tempted to befriend her... but then i think am going to mind my own business. i inevitably end up taking the chic's side in these types of things anyway. i have a james-inspired rant i might have to go off on when i feel less like i am melting. it has to do with waiting.
i was chatting with SB a sec, so is it a bad thing when friends typically respond to you with "What have you done now?"
SB : What have you done now? Jennifer : i just doctored up my niece to look like zombie SB : in July. Jennifer : yes, and? zombies are year round. SB : Indeed, though they usually only come out at Halloween. Jennifer : sis just pissed the niece off now. she put pink dye in jeremy's hair. Jennifer : neice is crying. she wants pink hair. of course jeremy was pissed i zombie-fied katie and not him. SB : So, situation normal at Jen's place.
2 week vacation Costa Rica, see Amorica Young ladies, oh Eureka! so many there to score-ica Cruise the ocean bars with some similar-type fellows Little latin lovlies drinking gin and mellow-yellows. please give me a towel mr. tangerine speedo you're all over town tangerine la la la la la la la la nowhere to go nothing to do I'll be as gentle on you as tearless baby shampoo back to my bungalo in flesh-toned kimonos come a little feel the Sting of my Bono no no no no the talk of the town mr tangerine speedo how you get around in your tangering la la la la la la la la little latin lovlies little lovlies drinking gin and mellow yellows in my bungalo loving me tangerine la la la la la la la la all the french girls go "zout a lor no no" no, no zout a lor no no coming at the target you're as straight as magellian if you got a secret weapon well you sure as hell ain't telling cause your mouths made an offer that the body cannot veto no woman can resist a man that looks good in a speedo give me a towel mr. tangerine speedo you're all over town tangerine la la la la la la la la talk of the town mr. tangerine speedo how you get around in your tangertine la la la la la la la la little latin lovlies little lovlies drinking gin and mellow-yellow in my bungalo zout a lor no zout a lor no no zout a lor no no no no
i want to be doing something else today. starting with acquiring a neck massage. i'm stuck at work until 12am again. PLUS its grocery day and i have been slack and not made a menu for next week. this jello-stuff i am eating is weird. pears in strawberry kiwi gel. low sugar. BLECH.
james text messaged my phone this am and is messaging me now online. heh. guess he's alive. i might call him after awhile. or not. i have write about the conversation me and him had a few days ago. damn that chic my ex was "not fucking" gets around!
should i call steve or give up?
Your soul contains all that is found in insects, pigs and vermin
i had talked to a friend off and on all day while i was at work, and we had decided to maybe head out and about when i got off. i feel asleep nekkid face down on my bed. i woke up freezing my ass off. shivers. i guess he wasn't worried too much about heading out 'cause he didn't call me back after the nap he was taking. if he woke up himself. just as well, because sometimes things that seem like a good idea at the time might not be.
i am still feeling like i am hitting on a low point. i probably wouldn't have been too much fun anyway. i miss someone. and i am wondering if i even should. it makes me feel like hell. but as far as i figure at this point i have put what i think out there and he can call if he wants. i'll wait for now.
i am wondering what has become of a couple friends... james i haven't heard from which is weird. tommy? both of them were claiming certain homelessness due to gf issues.
i feel kinda sickish. it sucks to be smitten with someone and then have them appear to lose interest. of course its not the 1st time its happened, but it doesn't make it easier.
and no, i'm not talking about the guy i was going to hang out with tonight. he is a friend, not a "romantic" type interest. or whatever we are calling that i wonder where things could go and i like spending time with this person feeling.
who the fuck do i call at 3:45am when i feel like shit and want to talk/just be around someone else? i am usually there for people who need me. or at least claim they do. pick them up, brush them off, give them a swift kick in the ass in the right direction. and then not hear from them for awhile. but who do i trust to call? i internalize my demons far too much. and i do not like the directions my thoughts are going.
this could begin to border on the morbid.
All My Life by Foo Fighters
All my life I've been searching for something Something never comes never leads to nothing Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close Closer to the prize at the end of the rope All night long I dream of the day When it comes around then it's taken away Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost
Come down don't you resist You have such a delicate wrist And if I give it a twist Something to hold when I lose my breath Will I find something in that So give me just what I need Another reason to bleed ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
Hey don't let it go to waste I love it but I hate the taste Weight keeping me down [x2]
Will I find a believer Another one who believes Another one to deceive Over and over down on my knees If I get any closer And if you open up wide And if you let me inside On and on I've got nothing to hide On and on I've got nothing to hide
Hey don't let it go to waste I love it but I hate the taste Weight keeping me down [x2]
All my life I've been searching for something Something never comes never leads to nothing Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close Closer to the prize at the end of the rope All night long I dream of the day When it comes around then it's taken away Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost
And I'm done, done and I'm under the next one [x8, then x4 but yelling]
Hey don't let it go to waste I love it but I hate the taste Weight keeping me down [x2]
[yelling] Done done and under the next one Done I'm done and I'm under the next
i stayed awake too late, overslept, i don't want to do anything. i am having a hard time placing my mood. i might be vaguely cranky. maybe its kev calling last night. maybe its the way i am so used to knowing exactly what people expect from me and where they fit in my world and not knowing with a certain someone that i want. i am used to being to figure people out pretty damn quick, and i am seldom wrong. oh well. i am trying not to think about it. i have plenty of distractions and things i need to do. maybe if he calls me today i'll see if he wants to come and visit me at work. my job is laid back that way. heck...other staff have had company spend the night with them when they are on the overnight shift. i pull 1pm-12am today. then 11am-12am tomorrow. i miss overnights. i don't get them like i used to. alot of the staff usually just sleeps... and i admit to taking a nap here and there. usually i just vegetate. watch cartoon network. adult swim. i think i have seen every episode of futurama. i also don't think i spelled futurama right. but i don't really give a shit. that pretty much defines my mood right now... claiming i don't really give a shit when i do. about alot of things. like whether i spelled futurama right. heh. fuck me to hell. i feel like crap. i'll convince myself i'm ok in a while. maybe i'll sleep another hour. i should have woke up and called the david-kid. he turns 20 today. coulda done something fun this morning, or at least just something. ennui sucks ass. the guys at work missed me it seems though, all those days i had off. my boss was pretty damn amused at the way doug acted, he was in a full pout. the co-worker of mine who was there thought she had done something to piss him off. i worked yesterday and he was just as irritating as can be... his flirting and invasion of personal space, followed by denial and apologies ("the voices made me do it"). my threats to either write him up and send his ass back to ga regional... or to dress him like super-fly and pimp him out. fighting over the remote control... that group home is HOME to these guys. we're the only "family" they got really. i love my job.
hehe... next time scott messages me i will have to let him know he is still at the top... and damn... bob... its been awhile... wonder how he is? and which lee was that?
and fucking hell i forgot to log outta yahoo and know i have guys with cock screen names messaging me. i don't care if its 7 1/2 or whatever. getta life. if i want laid, well i'll get my own.
david was searching messing with me earlier.. swore he had run a search on my screen name and came up with some cumsluts pornsite or something... i just had to run a cursory search, just because i am a curious kitty... 2 pages...
at least i got to rest. poor kev had to go into work on an hour's sleep. his damn fault. ... .org/rss/1.0/"> <channel rdf:about="http://onebadjen.tblog.com/"> <title>all things to you ... to you...</title> <link>http://onebadjen.tblog.com/</link> <description></d escription> <dc ...
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kev called my cell either while i was online or on my home phone with a friend... the signal being as it is out here in the sticks, it didn't ring when he called, but alerted me to voice mail when it picked up a signal, some 20 minutes later. he sounded a bit trashed, informed me that i was "missing out." yeah. thats nice. i threw a text message back at him, no response. guess he either passed out, or maybe he had found someone to fuck?
whatever. you would have thought that the friend i was on the phone with was talking me out of a suicide attempt as far as me calling kev back. in some ways i realize he could be right. in the last post i touched on my discomfort at that episode of that show... could kev go there? does he have copies of those pictures of us? he has threatened to have me gang banged. what exactly IS he capable of if i really piss him off?
he used to be such a nice guy.
the gangbang thing is NOT one of my personal fantasies... one of my friends talks about it... and sure, she is right, in a controlled setting... maybe it could be fun... but SOMEONE would have to not be a part of the scene and have control. SOMEONE should be able to stop it if it got out of hand. i must admit, a darker side of me is CURIOUS, which i hesitate to even admit here because of misintentions and things being misconstrued, as in that show... the kid that actually raped the chic thought she wanted it due to that internet posting by the vindictive ex. and i'm sorry, but in a situation like kev would be likely to set up there would be far too many independant variables in effect. who he rounded up, the level of drunkedness, how many people, what they thought they have to prove... now i didn't mind when he had me fuck colin and then he joined in... that was fun. colin, well i liked him.
but i digress... i think where i was going was on how fucking kev could be equated to a suicide attempt. if he decided to he could fucking destroy my ass. the pictures for one.
but what is scarier is that he could do it purely unintentionally. i have mentioned our penchant for public places. getting lectures from the cops. things getting too rough between the two of us. him acting like he really DOES want to hurt me. bringing other people in. refusal to wear condoms. he said more than once that he would fucking kill me if he caught anything from me. at the time he was the only one i was fucking. HE was the one fucking chics while drunk... to the point where he couldn't remember if the one was good or not. i have been tested recently, and have nothing i need to explain to anybody as of yet. i want to keep it that way. but i have had unprotected sex since then. it distresses me. not that i think he would have anything... but what if? what if oh hell who knows. of course condoms aren't 100% for diseases as we would be lead to believe... gawd ok i am just giving myself a headache. bedtime. benedryl. the zombie tit looks a helluva lot better. fuck. i feel like i am missing out. but its not with kev.
about the only time i watch tv is at work, and typically its what the guys that live there want to watch. they usually crash soon after 8pm meds, so for like 3-4 hours i have little or nothing to do. if all the ducks are in a row i either watch tv, read, talk on the phone, maybe play video games or chat... something to kill the time.
so i was watching the closer, never had before... and the storyline was worrisome.
a girl had gotten raped and killed due to a vengeful boyfriend's personal ad he placed to set her up. the ad was bdsm orientated... scary stuff... i am very careful about who i meet, but shit... not that i have really pissed anyone off too bad i think... yikes. heh. nightmares tonight maybe.
one of those fun days yesterday... slept in, then mowed the lawn, sorta. fought with my kid. made up with my kid.
he frightens me with how much he is like me, down to the destuctive urges when pissed. and i swear he has not seen an example of that from me. i remember dad putting his own head through a wall in a fight with mom once... i made up my mind he would never see anything like that from me, or anyone else.
ex looked at my truck and i need a drain hose.. 5/8 or maybe 9/16. he took the kid for his week.
i wanted to see steve. bad. for impure reasons. but not only that... just to SEE him. hang out with him... sucks to be me.
so not to waste the free me-time i headed out to the beach with a friend. walked. talked. called him a wuss alot. threatened to spank him. being just the evil that is me when i am not aiming to get laid. although i must admit i have a new standard as far as back massages go now. david kicks ass... and i better not let him do that too often.
you see, some people fall asleep when given a good neck rub etc. and yeah, when i get a good one if i was a cat i'd purr. but think about what your cat probably does when you brush or pet it... arches its back, maybe bites ya, rubs its head on you, kneads you with its paws, maybe licks... at one point i had to make him stop. it was positively orgasmic, and since i was having the "lackanooky" issues butch was referring to... yeah. break time or my motivations for hanging out there might change a wee bit. and i have cum from a good back massage. right now though..
well i won't go there, gone there enough. he'll either call and we will get together or he won't. i don't wanna be a psycho stalker chic. definately a new feeling for me... the person specific desire. i dreamt about him last night. weird weird dream. but i went to bed horny as all fuck.
i mean yes, there has been times over the past year and some odd months when i wanted kev and only kev would do... but desire to see him just to SEE him... sex being an added bonus? naw. if i wanted to see kev i wanted fucked.
hmm.. he had asked me awhile back if i still keep a journal... he used to read the hell outta my collarme.com one, and i had assumed he read this one too... should i send him the link?
bad really really bad its torment torture want need just please i know what i want right now and it so sucks that i want him and he is busy or whatever.
i told a friend of mine about revengeworld.com... he got ahold of some nekkid pics of the "bitch" and posted them there. i know all the details to the story behind it but i'm not telling.
You've received this e-mail because someone who knows you wanted you to checkout a link at RevengeWorld.com. Your friend has attached the following message.
yesterday evening my sis burned out the started on the "trixie wagon" dad went to rescue her and my kid (the two of them had gone into town to bring something to mom and to play in a park). dad has AAA. he decided to just get the van towed to his house. so i asked what if anything i needed to do... meet him at his place to get sis and matthew... he says sure that would save him the trip here and to pick up a starter for the van on my way. me and the parts guy flirted ta bit, i made him blush. it was funny. then i told him that i didn't need any more mechanics or something along that line. of course he denied being a mechanic, just a parts guy... and so i was like what good are you? hehehe... steve is a parts guy. and he's pretty damn good. ANYWAY i call sis to find out if they had eaten supper (if they had i was gonna hit a drive thru) and if matthew was hungry at all. she says matthew is riding with the tow truck driver. heh. ok. i'll skip food until i get y'all then.
they had just got there when i pulled up to dad's. matthew was just coming out of the truck. fairly ecstatic. a live wire. giddy. trembling. he runs up, pointing... "SEE WHAT I GOT TO RIDE IN MOM I GOT TO RIDE IN THAT!" gee wow thats great. i take his picture in the truck. the tow truck driver was pretty amused and patient with the kid. i wonder about his ride from downtown savannah with my kid. mattthew swears he was quiet when i ask if he talked the guy's ears off... of all the things he did this summer what is he going to remember as the best part? being broke down and riding in a tow truck. funny how kids are.
on the way home we went to taco bell. which now days i am finding kinda icky. some stuff just scares me. slimey cheese quesadilla... here sis you eat it.. no you eat it you ordered it... i don't want it, you like 'em you eat it. we split it. next time i am gonna stick with the taco kid's meal i usually get.
came home and we watched dawn of the dead. my kid was lecturing us on zombies... how they aren't smart enough to open doors etc. his favorite part is when the fat chic sits up on the bed and then moves really fast wanting to bite someone. when the movie was over he made sure all the doors were locked and got in bed with me... still talking zombies. he asked me if i was going to tell sis to go outside and beat on the window. why would i do that? to scare him. why would i want to scare him? because it would be fun. "do you WANT me to scare you?" YES. silly kid. MY kid.
i had popped a couple benedryl, seeing if that would help the breast that was bothering me. i was sleepy. slept through the night. no conversations half the night with james. or barry. i had spoke to james earlier, he called while i was watching the movie... then got stressed out about his car and got off the phone. he called back or text messaged i think, but i was asleep. he is moving out of his and his gf's place... i think he found someone to crash with. another chic. the guy is an idiot. learn to be alone, then find someone to sleep with. my opinion at least. i'll go into that in another entry maybe.
me and the kid woke up at 10am. guess we were both beat. my tit looks better. maybe i will escape rocephin and keflex? i hate the side effects of some antibiotics... tore up stomach, and lets not forget the YEAST INFECTION. blech.
we didn't get to do a damn thing we planned this weekend, but it was still great for the kid. i have to bring him to his dad's today i think. i told my ex he could have a week maybe here before the boy goes back to school. gawd i don't wanna. i'll be working most of the next week anyway, but still my heart aches.
its been awhile since i posted spam from my stepmom, and honestly i could use the light distraction so here goes:
Getting to Know You
Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun!
Just copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you.
1. What is your occupation? mommy of course. i think my job title at work is "residential trainer." but i kinda feel like a mom there too, despite the fact that they are grown men.
2. What color is your underwear? um yeah i have some on tooday. burgandy.
3. What are you listening to right now? the airconditioner fan
4. What was the last thing you ate? a gingerbread man
5. Do you wish on stars? sometimes
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? i like this color.
7. How is the weather right now? hot and humid. icky.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? steve, although i did return david's call and got his voicemail.
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? uh yeah i guess so.
10. Favorite drink? water with lemon
11. Favorite sport to watch? fighting, not wrestling, but like the ufc stuff and racing too, not nascar.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? yep
13. Do you wear contacts or glasses? neither, i do need glasses though.
14. Pet? as far as the furry kind i have the crash dog tommy gave me, and the damn cats. jane arnie sheba tater and the deathcat.
15. Favorite month? october
16. Favorite food? i'm omnivorous, it depends on the mood. when you want pizza only pizza will do, same with sushi. or pasta. or steak.
17. What was the last movie you watched? war of the worlds
18. Favorite day of the year? i like halloween
19. What do you do to vent anger? It varies... yell maybe, swat whoever offends me if feasible.
20. What was your favorite toy as a child? um.. anything i wasn't supposed to have and that would get me in trouble. other kids.
21. Fall or Spring? fall
22. Hugs or kisses? from who? i like hugs and kisses from my kid. pretty soon he won't want to hug and kiss his mommy though. and then there are some people i just don't want kissing me, or touching me for that matter. even in just a friendly manner. hugs can make me feel trapped but kisses can be sorta weird. cooties. blech. now in the non platonic sense of things, steve kisses... hehehe... and hugs... and fuck i have cum from kev kissing me... of course kev has a bit more experience with my body than steve, but anyway... mmm... arrrgh no more thinking about that.
23. Cherry or Blueberry? mmmm either
24. Do you want your friends to email you back? sure
25. Who is most likely to respond? dunno
26. Who is least likely to respond? dunno
27. Living arrangements? in a double wide trailer on 3/4 acre property my sis owns with her and my kid.
28. When was the last time you cried? actually cried? i don't really remember.
29. What is on the floor of your closet? just stuff. that probably needs burned. maybe fire ants.
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? my sis.
31. What did you do last night? Apart from sleeping? talked on the phone with david, james, and barry.
32. Favorite smell? my kid when he is all clean and ready for bed and snuggled up for a story. and oh i hate going here, but gawd i love the way kev smells. men. sex.
33. What inspires you? i need some inspriation sometime. my kid i suppose.
34. What are you afraid of? outside of something terrible happening to my kid... humiliation, looking and feeling stupid.
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? well seasoned cheeseburgers maybe.
36. Favorite car? i love cars. i can't pick just one. i like rice rockets and american muscle and trucks and race cars.
37. Favorite dog breed? interesting mutts
38. Number of keys on your key ring? 5 plus the 2 handcuff keys
39. How many years at your current job? 3
40. Favorite day of the week? saturday
41. How many states have you lived in? washington, utah, north dakota, georgia 42. How many countries have you lived in? 1
43. How many cities have you lived in? i have lived outside cities... the sticks... does pembina north dakota count as a city?
i think tommy is fishing for a place to stay. he is pretty damn low. he also wants alcohol, but i am not going there. he won't tell me wtf happened w/ the gf. i can only assume it was something to do with his drinking or playing around on her. it tears me up that i can't do something to help him. but it would be well... i don't know... it just would NOT work. i understand he has problems, but until he gets real help... i don't need that shit. i like him. but it'd be a total emotional and finacial drain. not saying he isn't worth it. i don't know if he is working among other things. even if it was just for a few days. that and my sis lives here too, and she wouldn't do it for our stepbrother when he was in the same situation. i woulda took jason in in a heartbeat, me and jason... well he is like a real brother. even if we didn't meet until we were in our early 20's. jason got his shit worked out, he had to. no one to fall on. maybe tommy needs the same thing. fuck it kills me to not be able to help him out. he has been around in some way since like a month or two after my divorce. he always seems to manage to pull though... this isn't the 1st time he has been up shit creek. but sooner or later everyone wears out all their options.
well hell. checking out my blog buddies and butch is leaving? http://www.tblog.com/templates/index.php?bid=butch&" title="http://www.tblog.com/templates/index.php?bid=butch&" target="_blank"http://www.tblog.com/template...;static=1969717101 now who is going to leave perverse comments and stir up shit? 11thacr can't handle it all himself. now really. gee. wtf. i need immoral support here. and i do feel ya on the "lackanooky" i could use a good lay right now. sis took off and bratnapped my kid. would i be a stalker if i called steve? i really really don't wanna be some psycho-stalker chic. i figure if he wants he will call. i just am too damn impatient and so hate waiting.
ok so my tit still looks/feels like its gonna rot off. i have a headache. i so fucking need a neck massage. or even a booty call with someone i like. yeah a booty call would be good. i have been a good jen. at least in comparison to my usual bad jen stuff. i haven't abused anyone. i have been emotional support for 2 of my guy friends over the past couple weeks, and while yes it has been working both ways thinking about other people's problems kinda bites. and then the one that i WANT to see, and to talk to... well... of course he had said that i don't talk enough that time but the main problem is i give a shit what he thinks. i'm not saying i don't give a rat's ass what other people think but i loathe embarrassment and making incorrect assumptions and feeling like an idiot. i give great advice. time for me to take some of it. not that i usually need advice, i rather like my life as is. there is a line in a song by foo fighters that has always stuck out at me "Someone’s always someone else’s one" i kinda feel that way in the sense that anyone have been involved with seems to be unattached, yet unavailable at the same time. maybe they are waiting on someone else. still looking. we don't always know what people have going on... especially meeting online and all. we know what they tell us. but we don't know who and what they are really doing. you could be part of a collection. or someone's "backup plan" if things fall through with the one they actually want. maybe i look at things too analytically. logical expectations based on limited data and all that shit. but what i know bugs me is i feel like i have never been anyone's one. i have never felt like i had anyone love me the way the aforementioned guy friends feel about the chics they are having relationship issues with. i mean yes i can get laid. repeatedly. by the same guy(s). i have friendships with other guys where we spend hours talking. there are a few that have implied that i could have them however i want them. ok i think i have about worked myself into a crying fit. for no good damn reason. guilt. karma. projection. whatever. i know its me being fucked in the head. and i don't want to have to go to the doctor about my tit. at least there is no nipple rings to blame this time. time for more pain/fever meds. i wonder if i have any damn happy pills to take while i am at it. not that i ever take 'em when i threaten to. not the point though. there is no damn point. i'll be ok later. and steve please please don't take this entry personally if you read it. its just me feeling low from listening to friends' breakups i think.
my boob does not look good... all red and hot... and i think i am running a fever. i am achey and my head hurts.
the movie was pretty good, my kid was a monster... worse than i have ever seen him. david of course was a perfect gentlemen and a sweetie. especially being as we are both interested in others.
speaking of others, i still haven't heard from the one i am interested in. i feel like a damn stalker, i have left like 3 voicemails over the course of today. patience isn't one of my virtues. i am such a damn spoiled brat. but fuck i want this man pretty bad. at risk of saying too much there are so many things i like about him... the way he looks at me... arrrgh ok no thinking.
but thanks for a great time david. sorry matthew was such a brat. just imagine how he acts when there is someone around who IS interested in kissing his mom! *hugs*
or maybe its the start of turning into a zombie? i dunno. the last time it turned all red and sore like this is when i still had the nipples pierced, but i had got bit by something too. doc wanted to blame the nipple rings. but then i also have the fucked up immune system on that side due to know lymph nodes over there. i did note last night what appeared to be a bug bite on my boob... and today its all red... yikes. yikes. yikes. i hate rocephin shots and keflex. i'm sure it'll be ok though. i'll keep an eye on it.
in other notes, still no word from steve (sigh). so i have gone on and made other plans. hopefully some plans later might include him. i hope.
right now i guess i am gonna go see war of the worlds with my kid and david. if i can handle 2 adhd kids hopped up on sugar at the theatre (yeah i had to go there david, i am a meany).
so me and matthew mine napped. turns out he was a tired lil' alien. all that human destoying. so he was laying down on the bed with me. its hard to think evil steve molesting thoughts when your sleepy little spawn is snuggled up next to ya wanting you to stroke his hair and rub his back. i had these weird zombie and ex smashing weido dreams... it started off as coming out of a store and seeing people in my truck that i KNEW i had locked up... i approached, yelling... then saw one of them was my ex. and he was selling my truck. proceed to ex smashing. then somehow zombies got involved. they needed smashed too. with a shovel. and our walmart that is being remodeled was in there somewhere. maybe it needed smashed too? i dunno. its been awhile since i had an ex smashing dream. kinda surprised me. he has been pretty indifferent lately, and i like that. maybe it was the kid telling me about the money thing?
so anyway, what to do this afternoon? i wanted to go up to the aquarium and to see batman on the imax. steve was going to go with, but now its looking like not because of a family thing. he might be able to make it to see batman on imax with us maybe? i dunno. i wanna talk to him. i'd like to bring baby sis's kids with to the aquarium but they wouldn't be able to go until monday.
i was hanging with a friend last night... damn phone was ringing all damn night... and i missed steve's call. when i saw that i missed his call i was like damn i waish i wasn't here... i wanted to be with him so bad. i still do right now. thinking about him kissing me is just making me positively shiver. i called him awhile ago... he must be sleeping still. fuck i'd like to wake him up... ok i am going to go lay down and think bad thoughts and take a nap while my kid destroys all humans. sis is up and she will yell at me if i'm needed.
oh yes.. and sis... she swiped my new system of a down cd and some others while she had my truck. at least she returned the ones she had swiped before. i'll swipe 'em back in a few days.
sis wanted something this morning. MY TRUCK. just for a few hours. the A/C works better in it than it does in the trixie wagon (her red astro van she got from dad). heh. can't say i blame her. i loathe the trixie wagon.
sis has ALWAYS swiped stuff. back when we were kids. sweaters. earrings. cometics. shampoo.
nowdays she likes to swipe my kid, and our younger sister's kids. she undermines our parental authority.
i want my truck back. i have plans today. if i she'll swipe my kid. or the other sister will.
speaking of the kid, he has gone from destroying all humans back his favorite game, test drive's eve of destuction. and he is convinced his dad loves money more than him. swears his dad said so. told his gf that. i don't think so. now he's saying the gf was the one who said so. no wonder i had to pick him up from his grandmother's yesterday.
he knows he's my kid and i love him no matter what.
Jennifer : i bought my kid destroy all humans and i'm scared now SB : Bit late for that now Jennifer : i have a six year old that is talking about sucking brains and getting dna Jennifer : and yes, he knows what dna is. SB : Mary Jennifer : in the concept of he has half mommy's and half daddy's dna and thats what people are made outta SB : Might as well just get him a copy of HALO and let him blast away SB : He clearly knows too much already to stop him. Jennifer : lmao Jennifer : he WAS eyeing halo and i told him to put it back SB : Just get him a copy of DOOM3 and let him descend into madness Jennifer : now that i have him returned to the mother ship i may give a call in a few SB : mm-k Jennifer : my gawd. he ate someone's head. SB : The do that in video games. SB : He does understand the difference between video and reality? Jennifer : yes. very much. SB : ok. SB : Just had to ask
and thus goes my thursday night, i was wanting to see steve, but my kid wanted to come home. so i picked him up and we went to walmart. he had been promised an xbox game... i was like no more racing games. heh. ok i guess. you don't have anything that shoots stuff. gee that's gonna piss your aunt off. nope better not. uh ok... destroy all humans... could be worse... now that he's playing it and kicking butt faster than i would have figured out... and he has this evil laugh... yikes... he reminds me very much of um well uh ME.
You scored 30% Oral-receptive, 51% Oral-aggressive, 29% Anal-retentive, and 43% Phallic!
So WTF does this MEAN?!
Freud thought that the ideal character was the genital character. These people are sexually mature. They are capable of loving others and being loved in return. They don't waste their libidinal energies on immature fixations. The genital character doesn't exist on this test. We wanted to see how dysfunctional you are, remember? So what does my highest score mean?
The Oral Receptive Character This character occurs when an infant is overindulged. As a child, they were likely unconditionally encouraged and praised. In adulthood, they tend to be dependent, gullible, and overly optimistic. Their friends find them very demanding, which is confusing and hurtful to the Oral Receptive Character. This character needs to learn to accept that not everyone will love them.
The Oral Aggressive Character This character occurs when an infant was often frustrated. Later in life, they learn to exploit other people. They frequently argue and like to debate...as long as it's understood that they are always right. They also tend to be a little sarcastic. And yes, they like to chew on things. (Oral-fixation anyone? Yeah, now it makes sense.) (and this is my HIGHEST SCORE? hmm...)
The Anal Retentive Character This character stems from problems in toilet training. Yes, indeed, the Anal Retentive Character had something against the potty. These people tend to be very regimented and orderly. Everything must be perfect so that they feel in control.
The Phallic Character Ah, what would a Freudian test be without a phallus? The Phallic Character results when the Oedipus conflict is not entirely resolved. For men, they felt threatened by their father and consequently feel castration anxiety. For females, apparently they just really want a penis. Either way, Phallic Characters tend to be exhibitionists, often trying to seduce others to make up for feeling threatened as a child. (heh. i deny all of it.)
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis. Um, I mean, ladder.
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 0% on Oral-receptive
You scored higher than 80% on Oral-aggressive
You scored higher than 6% on Anal-retentive
You scored higher than 80% on Phallic
If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Freudian Character Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=176 8537788969" title="http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=176 8537788969" target="_blank"http://www.okcupid.com/tests/...
i decided to go ahead and have another "face to face" with james... the source of the stress as i mentioned in the last entry. i think the 1st time i met him predates this blog. nothing major... the usual meet and chat and refuse to go anywhere and do anything at all... so anyway tonight i met him when we got off work (both of us were off at 11pm). we basically sat in my truck and talked... his body language and avoidance of eye contact pretty much set me to thinking he still has unfinished business and felt guilty for SOMETHING. i sit back, leaning against my door with my feet stretched in front of me on the seat (excellent position for kicking him in the head if he got stupid). he didn't. and i would throw in i told him so... but i won't go there.
the mean marine (damn has it been since march already?) leaves again soon... trying to get a final fling in. damn i'm sleepy. i hate to just diss him though. heh. i have a judgement call for him too.
i said that as long as i am single that if he was single i would but now that he is actually single i am kinda considering myself not so much single anymore and sorta seeing someone 'cause i like someone and am fucking him besides and i really am not into actually having sexual relationships with more then one person at a time even though i had but you can hardly consider what i have had with kevin a relationship and i have a feeling that if i do go ahead and cross that line with a certain someone that he will not be satisfied with just that, afterall he has been this persistant this long without any encouragement or even really any initiation of contact on my part... fuck i have been pretty damn rude and hard with him because of morality and ethics and oh geeze my head hurts... what to do? a month ago it wouldn't have been an issue. i would have explored things with him maybe. or maybe i would have found another excuse.
i definately want do something fun with my kid... i still like the imax/aquarium idea. but that involves a drive to charleston. and if i went to charleston friday night, chances are i'd stay there so late i'd be coming home saturday morning... will i be up for turning around and going back? and sorry... but my time with my kid is more important than seeing a friend.
but then barry wanted to get together saturday evening... nothing big, basically meet and put real life faces to each other. we had talked about a few things... dinner, and yes i know to some this sounds silly for a "date" type activity, looking at stuff at bass pro shops. but hey... i if think its fun, and he thinks its fun, why not? i kinda want to get a small boat/canoe, something that will fit in the back of my truck that me and the kids can take places like the lake down the way from us, or the wildlife refuge. sis always gets bitchy when we look at stuff like that. of course i doubt she is willing to clean fish either. funny that that is the only time my kid really ate fish... when we caught 'em and killed 'em ourselves. its been a few years... ok i got sidetracked.... where was i?
steve hasn't made any suggestions for this weekend... although i might like him to go to charleston with me (and matthew mine) to the imax and all saturday. i think batman might be fun to watch there.
i still haven't been to any theme parks this summer. me and matthew COULD do that. but its so damn hot. and matthew is a wuss when it comes to coasters. my nephew has always rode anything they will let him, even when he was a toddler. there is only 10 months difference in ages between matthew and his cousin, yet matthew is much much more cautious about things that could potentially hurt him. and i don't want to MAKE him get on anything... i have in the past (the mindbender and scream machine) and now they are his "favorite" rides... but you never know... afterall there was that kid that died at disney world recently... better we go when sis, who is also a wuss, can go too. then she can do pussy things with matthew and katie bug while me and jeremy ride he ninja and whatever else he is tall enough for, until we puke. granted that hasn't happened yet... sis usually gets bitchy and ready to go long before then. but then sometimes i don't know my own limits, and the jeremy kid is the same way... so going is probably a good thing...
steve called a bit ago, letting me know why he hadn't called... work issues. i tried finding a good horror movie type pic of someone getting stabbed in the eye to put here, but chickened out. what can i say? i am a wuss. basically afraid to click any of the links because what if it really WAS someone getting stabbed in the eye?
You're just about as deep in sexual hellfire as a person can get. Virtually no urge, however demented, will go ungratified; practically no boundary will go uncrossed. You're probably proud of your adventurousness, and, honestly, you should be. Few people are confident enough to pursue pleasure on their own terms.
Your morals could sink a bit further, sure, but it's mostly likely that you've got a pretty good idea of what you're into and what you would do...above you're honest with yourself with what you want. If more people told the truth, you'd have a lot more company down in the flames.
AVOID: the lost souls in sexual heaven and (above all) the denizens of sexual purgatory. You don't need any prudes or wishy-washers in your life.
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 33% on hellish
With respect to hellish, users aged 40 to 44 scored highest.--
If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Sexual HELL Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=391 0728582630298788" title="http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=391 0728582630298788" target="_blank"http://www.okcupid.com/tests/...
so i call david, but then S. calls him so he has to answer her call. i throw out a text message to barry and to the other david. and then my subbie buddy adam messages and give him permission to call. we are chatting on the phone when both davids start calling/messaging but i having the most interesting conversation...
fuck i need spanked.
i mean dayum i'm good.. but spanking my own ass don't get it.
there are fire ants sneaking around my room still.
i can't wait until i get to see steve again.. he said maybe thursday...
there are lots of fire ants in my room.
i have an invite to charleston friday night (ryan).
i loathe fire ants.
barry would like to maybe come to savannah, go out saturday/sunday (he lives in charleston too).
my hand itches where the ant bit me.
this is my weekend with my kid home, i get him back thursday. i wanna do something fun with him. the aquarium maybe. imax too.
i am afraid the ants will eat me.
i want steve. i like him. i like the other guys too... but... i dunno... i like being around him.
there are ants near my bed.
red says that i have been avoiding relationships as long as she has known me. SB says that when anything resembles a committment i run like hell.
what if the ants get ON my bed?
i was just worrying about david and thinking i oughta call him, but he just messaged me. funny timing. and he just asked if i could call him. guess i'll wrap this up and give him a call.
doing the morning thing (sitting on the potty) i see SOMEthing crawling on the bathroom window curtain. ANTS!!! gawd i hate ants. hate HATE HATE ants. one bites my toe. i kill the lil' fucker. and then smoosh his buddies on the curtains. i go on and take my shower, get dressed, and then investigate the invasion. where the hell are they getting in this time? i hope its not from up underneath the house again. while getting dressed i see one on my left hand. geesh not the left side. thats the side that i had the cancer up under my arm and they cut out all the lymphnodes. bites, cuts, scratches on that side, even small ones, can be BAD. i finish getting dressed and grab an arsenal of insectisides. the bite on the hand is blowing up. you can't tell where i was bit on my toe. the last time i was bit on that arm it bubbled up my arm, little blisters, looking almost like a grease burn. more glaring at my hand. not too bad right now... bubble 3/4 the size of a dime, with a quarter sized red corona. fuck i HATE ants. upon survey of the outside perimeter of the house i discover that there is a branch of the gardinia bush that has grown just a bit up inside the siding of the house, and it is thick with ants. how many of the lil' bastards are up in the wall? great gawd i hate ants. that explains why they were in my clothes and dresser, its right there by where the ants must be coming in. insectiside is applied. it'll get the outside ones. and i treated the mound.but dayum. i hate them being in the house.
barry had bees living in his wall. whole damn honeybee hive. had to get an exterminator. i hate bees too. i wouldn't have been able to do anything with the bees... too phobic. i'd panic at the sight of just one of them.
Dark, cold, scary and painful. You are suicide via drowning.
People have to plan a little before they come to you for help. You're not as easy to employ as some, but you spark the imagination like few other forms of relief can.
At your best, you're a pocket full of rocks and a head full of determination. At worst, you're a Baywatch castmember hellbent on saving people from making their own choices.
Only a select few have what it takes to make use of your talents, and those few don't mind a significant amount of discomfort before greeting the void.
masturbation so sucks sometimes. i am cramping. usually orgasm helps. i was in the shower... just thinking on various things... for some reason i am really turned on by male orgasm... i like to hear the sharp intake of air, the groan or whimper or crying out as they cum... feeling the spasms... then the collapse... it doesn't matter if its from oral sex or vaginal, or even anal. that and sexual facial expressions are so... well sexy.
so i was grasping at various imagery... steve the first time we fucked while i was on top of him, watching his face as he came... and this past time as i looked up at him... gawd i was so close to cumming yet again... i had got mine a few times over... i was begging... for what? i don't know... i think if he would have thrusted into me a time or two more it would have been... well... WOW... one of those potential loss of consciousness things... not that i am complaining... i loved the hell outta what i got. and the lying there afterwards... *shivers*
i'd be lying if i said flashes of kev didn't come in there too... the way he gasps and cries out and then would either collapse on top of me, or have to walk away for a few minutes, and bend over... trying to breathe. there was one time he ripped my shirt in half right down the middle of the front so he could bite my breasts. and that once... gawd how long ago was it? it predates this blog... it was after one of those grudge type fucks... there was alot of that "who owns you?" type dialog, threats, pure aggression... we were out up against his truck... when we finished i was crouched beside the truck, holding the tailgate for balance, him standing over me, barely... both of us weak, mute, and numb, yet feeling and sensing everything. one word, one touch could destroy at that point. i don't think we even said goodbye. a terrible intensity between us... frightening. that horrible karma thing biting me in the ass. getting exactly what i deserved.
i don't want to be consumed.
more pleasing thoughts are those of being at the beach with steve... kissing... kissing makes me so weak... wanting to do more than kiss... being with him, watching him watch me... mmmm... i like to touch him... and have him touch me... he is nearly as oral as i am.. kissing, licking... anywhere, everywhere...
damn i wish i didn't have to be to work in an hour. i had gotten so close to what i needed while playing, but yet just so not what i needed... yes i came, and came hard. but damn for physical contact... i think i have little cresents of imprints from my fingernails digging into my breasts... so so close... too tight to even use a toy... shivering...
i had decided to go to sleep early last night, but barry had called (yeah that is a sorta new name, he had hit on me about the same time i had hit on steve and didn't set off any of the red flags and so i am still talking to him, not sure about meeting him...) he for whatever reason can keep me on the phone for hours... not in the bordering on the edge blushing giggling sense that micheal would (i wonder whatever happened to him? he had so much personal stuff going on... i had gotten that one message where he had promised to call but then didn't. i'm kinda glad things never turned sexual with him the few times we met.) at any rate me and barry had one of those conversations (230 min long) where we hit on everything from politics (which i usually NEVER talk about) to "what's the worst thing you have ever done that you are willing to admit?" he says i am very easy to confess to... whatever that is supposed to mean.
i went to sleep about 5am again (only the other night it was that i had gotten HOME at 5am). i dreamt about being in seattle... and grandpa's yacht... being out on the water... and there was a certain vague fear of something... i'm not sure... weird. unsettling. but i slept well, and steve called and woke me up a bit ago. which i didn't mind. i wish that we could've got together... how can you miss someone you really truely hardly know and are not used to having around?
well anyway i am up and ready to go, unlike yesterday. my internal batteries are hitting on full and i have energy to burn. until i decide i want a piece of that chocolate praline cake i bought at walmart when i was wandering around there at 4am night before last. then i will need a nap.
after staying up all night last night i slept a few hours, then called steve... got voice mail... went back to sleep an hour or two.. did lunch with my step mom. i try to be nice. period is starting and i feel like the energy suck ing aliens have got hold of me. i had an invite to go out to the beach with david, i got dressed and ready to go... and didn't. for the curious, david is a friend... not a "play buddy" of any type.
and on a side note, i am not looking for any play buddies. might even change my profiles to the "single, not looking" status i think.
my gf red and i were having one of those "who ya doing?" type conversations and she got curious about ryan and he is curious about her and i don't know what will come outta it but they seem to be hitting it off... interesting. i wanna see pics if they do get together. they are both hot.
way way too quiet. i miss my kid. i have nothing to do. i feel useless. i tried calling steve, no answer. he isn't an insomniac. he goes to bed early, gets up early. i could do that if i lived in alaska. circadian rhythms and all that. its moods like this that make me weak and impulsive. plus my period should start in a couple days (i took the last "active" pill today). i have a zit. on my chin. blech. i find no enjoyment in watching tv alone. i have read every book in the house, more than once. i haven't the attention span for solitary xbox games. i want human contact. when did i become such a social creature? i wasn't when i was married. i was a loner in high school as well. i had a few groups of friends that i associated with if and when i felt like it. friends to suit my moods. should i just try to go to sleep? out of pure boredom, or maybe masochisticness i took a few people off the "i am hiding from you" stealth setting. 2 of them immeadiately bit. now i remember why i had hid from them. grrrrarrrrgh. i am gonna play literati and zuma and a few other mind numbing games. then go to bed. i have to be to work in 13 and a half hours or so.
i have almost always had cats, and while i was married, for the better part of thetime our cats resided strictly indoors. occasionally one would slip outside, and when she returned in the other cats would just STARE wide-eyed as if they were looking at some sort of alien visitor, a decidly hostile alien visitor, all grayish-green and scaly, perhaps with sharp shiny teeth and red eyes... any attempts at friendly interaction would be met with snarls and hisses... or maybe aloof indifference. it would take some time before the prodigal kitty reassumed her place within the feline ranks.
i dislike my ex coming here. i don't like him coming in the house, and will take extreme measures to ensure that there is no need for him too. chances are when he comes and picks up the boy, we are outside, playing ball or something. usually despite the inconvienance and the custody agreement stating that HE is responsible for picking up and bringing home his kid, i will instead just so that i can avoid him being HERE.
yes, my ex is a good looking guy, but there is no physiological attraction. i can't even think of being touched by/touching him. the thought is as alien as slimey snot yellow fangorious gelantinous monster. so its not that i am worried something will happen. pretty much once i made up my mind that i didn't want to be married to him anymore any attraction on every level died. quick and painlessly. i wish it was as easy to excise that part of me that is addicted to playing with kev.
how can it be harder to totally dissociate myself from a fuck buddy that i have next to no emotional involvement in than it was to remove the man i had supposedly loved enough to marry, that i had been with since i was 17, from my... well from what? kev isn't a part of my life.. i never let him in, back when he was trying to play nice (granted the playing nice was because he wanted to get in my, and any other chic's, pants). after kev had called the other night, i almost couldn't breathe. i was nauseous. vomited. the whole autonomic fight or flight reaction. a co
