i had planned to write about some things distressing me, but finf myself not giving a shit at the moment and just wanting to sleep. i hate feeling so tired.
out of curiousity i logged into a bdsm site where i have had a profile on for some time. one thing i noticed is that alot of the same self proclaimed "doms" are still looking. i did notice one that i had an encounter with gosh... a year and a half ago? more? has a profile on there now. claims he is looking for that "one" blah blah blah... something about him he time i met him put me off... not that i got impression that he was a bad person... just didn't click. he had hit on me trying to get me to meet him again, and do more... i wonder if i should have given him the 2nd chance? maybe not.
another thing i noticed is the duo profiles. a guy will have a submissive profile, and a dom profile... and not even bother changing the picture. why not just make a "switch" profile? thats what mine is... i like to give as good as i get at times, and am open either way. of course what i am in the mood for at the time plays a part, but seperate profiles to me cries out "i'm desperate! i just want the nookie! do me! do me!" that and it shows a kind of disregard for female intelligence... what? you think we just look at the doms OR the subs? we don't cross referance anything?
and then the "single" chics who are looking for a sister sub to play with their doms. i mean damn, if you are collared and looking for someone to play with you as a couple, make a couple's profile? yeah, if i found a girl playmate i'd probably hope she'd want to play with one of my guy-buddies. but i am not a couple with any of them. and there is no saying WHICH guy would be the lucky one... i guess whoever i was close to and seeing at the time. when SB and i had the project going on we placed a couple's profile, with referances to our individual profiles.
anyway, looking around on there reaffirmed my disgust with most people.
not all people mind you.
but most.
why lie? why put yourself forward as someone you are not?
i think i am who i claim, or at least i have been told so. whether that is a good thing or not... heh. SB says i am evil incarnate. but in a good way... i know i mentioned the comment he left on my okcupid profile, but since i just ranted a bit here about people not being who they claim, or saying they are looking for things they are not, i think i will repost it here... i think its a compliment. maybe. as far as a teddy bear with sharp shiney teeth that likes to play with floggers and tie chics up can give one :wink:.
Don't let her fool you, this woman is Evil incarnate, and probably one of the best people you could pick as a friend. She is as she presents herself, and just doesn't waste time or energy on bullshit and meaningless social nonsense.
i could not sleep last night. between coughing still, janie cat trying to sleep on me, sheba cat purring loudly near my head, and the thoughts running through my head... what thoughts? sex. it had started out as kinda musing about certain relationships and "where did i go wrong?" and then somehow got twisted by my warped mind into thinking about the "good" stuff... when i would doze, it invaded my dreams.
among my musings were thoughts of exploring the bdsm scene again. not sure i want to do that though. sorting though the riff raff there is as bad as finding a good vanilla guy to date. and it seems they are after the same thing anyway.
then there were the interesting little scenes i played out in my head... i hate laying there awake... way too much time to think! and despite a few offers, no real relief in sight. not that i am discounting those who have offered to "help me out" with that, but in some cases... been there, done that, what would doing it again get me? and then there is the hesitation of exploring new ground as well. i don't want to set myself up to get hurt, or to hurt anyone else either.
i feel like my head is going to pop.
tomorrow is the last "yellow" pill in my birth control pill pack. so like 4 days until my period starts. i wonder how bad its gonna hurt this month? usually its no biggie... but damn i still don't feel right after that ob/gyn appt the other day. just kinda sore and creepy. not that that stops me from wanting a good fucking. sex helps pms.
Goddess You scored 79% Dominance and 77% Technique!
You are, quite simply, mind-blowingly and unbearably hot. You would not just be a "good" dominatrix. You would be - hell, you *are* - a stunning and breathtaking sexual experience for whatever man is lucky enough to be captured by you. Whatever you do, don't let your talents go to waste. Use them. Nurture them. Impart them to others. And, if all else fails, call me ;-) Thank you for taking my test, Ma'am - I hope we can meet someday.
it can only get better... it can only get better... it can only get better...
i had retreated to back to bed for awhile. damn phone kept ringing... my boss, that fucking "unknown number" that keeps calling for my sis and won't leave a message so i don't answer it, and i don't know who else. guess i oughta look at the caller id when i care.
whenever i would get good and asleep i'd have to push janie cat off me. why does she persist in trying to use me as her bed? this has gone on for years. she won't win.
then i woke up the the back of my thigh being bit.
fire ants.
on my bed.
i hate them.
sis got up and saw me with my mattress up against the wall and spaying my room down... "fire ants?" yep. "oh boy hours of amusement!" yeah. sure are. "i dreamt about fire ants last night" oh so you wished them on me. grrr.
anyway ants are taken care of, they were coming in the window by the bed this time.
now i have to get ready to head out to pick my vermicious knid up from school, drive the 30-odd miles into savannah to look for a football helmet (the sporting goods stores were closed yesterday) and then make it back for his 6pm football practice.
if weather permits, its looking a bit crappy.
and my damn cell phone rang that i have voice mail... as usual didn't ring through the actual number and all.. i checked it and it was all garbled. grr again. i hate that.
i am not a morning person. never have been. never will be. unless maybe i move into a different timezone. mornings are beautiful, i love mornings... light inching in pushing out the darkness, the birds singing breaking the stillness of the air... which is all well and good if i am going to bed. i tend to stay up until around 4am, lately i have managed to get to sleep around 2am, but i don't rest well. i toss and turn. i rather do something else than be in bed. or maybe doing that other thing that is generally done in beds.. or as kev has said before "who needs a bed?" at anyrate, i wake up CRANKY in the mornings. so does my kid unless its the weekend and he can play outside. he is getting progressively harder to wake up. and as far as going to sleep... last night we did the whole bedtime routine, stories etc... i tuck him in his bed, go to my bathroom 'cause i was going to take another shower... i am standing there nekkid about to get in the shower, but looking in the mirror 'cause a sec i had this zit on my chin and a few stray hair that needed tweezed... and there he was... "mommy..." i send him back to bed. shower etc... call kev and ran the idea that my buddy tony has by him to see if he was interested. got a definate maybe. i don't really care one way or the other, so oh well sucks to be tony maybe, although i might wanna meet this chic that tony has been seeing. after i got off the phone i came in here to write a bit, i haven't been very chatty with my usual pervs... i'm not sure yet if i miss them or not. i might. but one of the guys from that dating site that i have exchanged some email with caught me and we chatted a bit. he is seldom online, which i consider a good thing. ya gotta have a life outside chasing skirt on the internet! i think that some of these guys that log on daily are pretty much perpetual lookers, they meet, use and move on. and i am pretty well sick of flavors of the month. granted i can be as evil as they are. afterall, i get aggervated and end up seeing kevin again, don't i? i wish sometimes daniel was still around, well he is... he messaged me a couple days ago... but he isn't around when i am and i don't have his number anymore and i am not one to "just drop by" because i was in the neighborhood etc. i might have his number if i look around for it, but what then? go back to the same thing we had going on? that buddy of david's seems interesting... david himself seems to have gone into his video gaming world. kinda sad. but to each their own. i like reality as painful as it can be. i already did the living vicariously through books and internet thing. it ain't for me. even if i do feel my imagination has died.
a random thought... someone's blog made me want to look up a "quote" a buddy has on his yahoo profile, "Arguing over the internet is like running in the special olympics. Yeah you may win but your still retarded." not exactly "pc" but i've taken that medal a few times too many back in the day. guess thats why i try to lay low and avoid conflict. because really, whats the point?
when we were kids our dad had a damn good insurance policy i think. there were four of us, myself, my brother who was 2 years younger than me, the sis i live with now, who was 3 years younger then him, and then the other sis, 2 years younger than him. out of the bunch, i was the only brunette, the rest had the blond hair and blue eyes and fair skin like our father (and aunt betty and uncle frank and grandpa... put a bunch of pics of them plus my nephew together and they look all alike... kinda like that movie... what was it? the kids were all blond and had mind control powers or something?).
mom had 4 kids, and 4 miscarriages. ouch. and she blames me. i tried to come out wrong.
anyway... me and sis were talking... yeah we occasionally do that... it started with the fact that our younger sister had got her kids a go cart and we were reminscing on our go cart that dad had built... motor entirely too strong for its home welded frame and plywood scrap brakes. we really think dad woudn't have minded if one or more of us died.
total lack of adult supervision.
mom wrapped up in her own little world, hating dad, avoiding life.
dad just plain avoiding home, in the garage, building pipe bombs, making bullets and potato guns.
ask something of either parent and we were pretty much told to go play in the street.
which we did.
when i look at my kid and sis's kids i am amazed when i take the time to really think about it.
when i was a bit older than jeremy's age (i was 8 ) i had pretty much figured out by trial and error how to cook things like mac n' cheese and hot dogs. i could do my own laundry. i was scared of people. social interactions with anyone made me nervous. we did get dragged to church every sunday... where we still kinda ran wild. i would instigate things like burying someone's car in snow (obviously before we moved here to GA).
me and my siblings considered things like tang powder, boullion cubes, soy sauce, and whatever we could pick in the garden as dinner. that and popcorn. we learned to make that early on. oh yeah, and usually dad would have a can of beef jerky down in the workshop in the basement. we weren't supposed to get into it, but we did. then he'd yell at us and call us rats. but really that's an accurate description maybe?
my son heard us talking about tang... he has never had it. i bought him a jar.
he's never had alot of the things me and my siblings had... a beating for eating all the peas in the garden... and oh gawd how my ass was kicked over those strawberries! he is sheltered and he is loved.
when i was his age... 6... i had read that cavemen could kill unwanted children... at that age i still had quite the imaguination... and wasn't sure if maybe father's still couldn't kill their kids... i had a freak out panic attack. dad thought it was funny. mom made him take me to get icecream. i was terrified. we walked up to the tastee freeze... and he tried to play good daddy... but that was always more frightening. and no we aren't talking about any child molestation or anything like that.
i guess what it amouts to is that we never learned to be close to someone... dad scared us and mom made sure we stayed scared of him... and mom... heh.
if i work the overnight shift at work i always end up coughing all day the next day. i wonder if its the relative inactivity coupled with the furniture absorbing their cooties during the day. when i work the dayshift i don't sit for long spells. so maybe?
i have a headache too.
sis brought my kid to our other sis's, as well as returned her her own kids. i need to go save matthew from her. and see if we can find an open sporting goods store, he needs a football helmet.
ands its about time to go on a no luv for jen kick again. how long since i got laid?
well i did a search on the term barry came up with a few nights back to describe me and kev. he had said that we were sexiopaths whenever i had spilled some of the fucked up shit we had done. nothing came up for it. so i guess sexiopath is all ours?
i'm bad ash and you're good ash... goody goody two shoes!
me and my matthew boy went over to ryan's (not navy ryan, but my friend ryan the toy collector). i ended up buying all the transformers he had there and was wanting to sell (he has more stuff at his mom's but he and a buddy just moved in together). gave me a pretty good deal on them, $50 for the lot. unicron itself is $50 at KB toys. so matthew is a pretty happy camper. while we were hanging out matthew kept spotting various toys and action figures, "HEY LOOK ITS...".
one of the things he spotted was a bruce campbell figure, "ash" from evil dead... his zombie video game. ryan saw how geeked up he was by it, so he puts in the army of darkness movie, which matthew found kinda lame. he is used to all these new zombie movies. blood and guts and none of that stop animation type stuff.
so add to the list of things i need to get is bad ash and good ash action figure.
i'm bad ash and you're good ash... goody goody two shoes! goody goody two shoes! goody goody two shoes!
the kids just went out and are playing in the rain. when they figured out that back to the future has no zombies they had had enough of it.
katie's make up is gonna get messed up. she wanted to be a zombie again, so this time i did a head wound up near her hairline, a few cheek lacerations, some road rash on her arms... and i took her with me to walmart and the gas station and just out and about like that.
funny no one wants to make eye contact.
they glance and look away quickly.
they wanna be goth kids in wallyworld just STARED... katie stared back... then told me that she was scarier than they were.
i think i am going to head over to that evil empire known as walmart and buy a big plastic lawn rake in order to "clean" up all this junkie stuff on the floor. things like my son's transformers and hot wheels. then i can just turn one of his MANY toy boxes on its side and just kick all the crap in it. but then there are his and sis's shoes. i take mine off by the door or in my room. they take theirs off where ever the mood to remove shoes strikes. and then their is all the busy work that they send home with my kid... stuff he did in class. exactly how many pictures of "grave digger" that my kid drew need to be displayed? i still have stuff not only from kindergarden, but from pre-k as well around. and this is just the living room we are talking about. my room... fuck... my clothes, my kid's clothes... books, school work, his toys (he came into my room about 4am, a richard petty superbird hotwheel in his grubby little fingers, and got in bed with me), and just a bunch of stuff i don't know what to do with on the floor in there.
and vacuuming sends me and sis into allergy fits. we rather the dust not be disturbed.
of course if we didn't do this waiting each other out on stuff and just cleaned daily... or weekly even it wouldn't be so bad.
she did her room a couple weeks ago. i thought she was gonna need to go to the hospital. the dust bunnies really got to her. her allergies are worse than mine.
i need to do something with this place. but right now i have this ice pick feeling in my skull. or maybe its more of an ice in my skull feeling...my face is kinda numb. why? i haven't been doing anything...
i need to get alot of stuff done. i need to go talk to that guy's probation officer and decide if i want to drop the charges. i need to clean out my truck. clean the house. pay bills. lotsa stuff.
it feels like my ob/gyn tried to kill me. i have never ever hurt this bad before. not that i can remember at least. and yes, this is coming from the pain slut chic that occassionally finds pain interesting. the Dr was unable to complete whatever it was that she was trying to do... she sent me home with a prescription for valium and lortab. yeah that bad. i am supposed to take them before going back for her to reattempt trying to kill me in about a month.
the big problem is that my cervix "hides" and is tilted at the wrong angle. maybe this is why i like getting fucked from behind so much?
anyway. i hurt like hell. my kid is home shooting zombies on the xbox. and i need to call sis and see if she will get that morning i go back to the doc off because i won't be able to drive due to that happy pills.
its too hot, the air is like soup. and i have a cough. well i have had a cough and have been trying to ignore it. i don't wanna go to work today and put up with those psychos. and my boss has been borderline bitchy. and staff meeting is tomorrow.
when me and the sexy navy guy got involved so to speak it was pretty much with no assumptions... he had let me know what he had going on and i him. i had also said that i would have no problems carrying on with our course of actions as long as we were both still single.
well now one of us is not.
when we were chatting the other night he let me know, but he also said he was still interested in being friends etc. which is cool woth me. he also expressed an interest in me um "getting to know" the gf if it was good with her, which also is fine by me.
but the point is HE LET ME KNOW.
he didn't just choose to fall off the face of the earth.
he didn't choose to play me and her both (which he COULD have done, easily).
sis and i went out and about with our niece and nephew... mall. ate at macoroni grill. pasta with shrimp andmmm... italian bread... and carbohydrates. and i didn't take my meds with me. we go back through the mall, sis wanted cinnabon. i have never ever had anything from there. mmm... fruity icy drinks? oooohhh caramel icy drinks? wheeeeeee!
i ask the kids working there which would be most likely to send me into a diabetic coma. tell them i am feeling a tad suicidal and which has the most sugar? mmm... tropical... wheeeeeee!
the latest project is creating links to blog entries of mine that for whatever reason i might want to find or direct someone to, whatever. problem is i am having a shit time getting to archives.
I am divorced (and like being divorced), have dated off and on, and do not have a boyfriend or significant other.
My son is six (he's my lil' hemmorhoid of joy), and generally when I am not working he is home with me. When his dad has him (which is half the week), I have time to go out and do what I like.
I love my job. Its great, I work 3-4 days a week and still get my 40hrs, although it’d be nice if it paid more. But it’s a non-profit agency, so what can I expect? I am a "residential trainer" which basically means I babysit grown men. It's a group home for men who have a history of mental illness (the majority of them are schizophrenic).
I like taking silly quizzes and personalilty profiles... The quiz from another dating site, in comparison to other women my age, pronounced me: more adventurous more aggressive less artsy more socially conservative more extroverted kinkier more literary more loving less old-fashioned more scientific hornier less emotional and thriftier... In one of my psych classes the professor said that things like the cosmo quizzes and all can be surprisingly accurate... for whatever all that is worth.
I have been told I need to be less honest... but that's not me.
What I am doing with myself lately...
Being a good mommy. Working. I want to finish my Psychology degree sometime this decade. I treasure every moment of my life, both good and bad. I'm trying to get my ducks in a row, but its kinda like herding cats.
Some favorite things of mine...
Not that I could survive a trivia match on any of this stuff (I know some people are a bit obsessional about these things).
Me, I just like what I like.. don't bother me about the details!
Books by authors like Anne Rice, Douglas Adams, Ray Bradbury, Spider Robinson, Stephen King, and J.R.R. Tolkien.
Movies I have enjoyed are Cowboy Bebop, Lady Killers, Fight Club, Star Wars, Ten Things I Hate About You, Orgazmo, Name of the Rose, O Brother, Where Art Thou? and Clerks.I also like zombie movies such as 28 Days Later and Resident Evil.
I am not fond of Rap, Hip Hop or most Country and/or Western music. I listen to bands like CKY, Social Distortion, The Ramones, Metallica, Static-X, Nick Cave, Mofro, Violent Femmes, Foo Fighters, Devo, Nine Inch Nails, Placebo, and Alice in Chains. I also have a fondness for Johnny Cash.
What am I looking for?
Such a horrible question. It seems that that is the first thing I am asked when someone drops me a line... and a question I seldom ask.
But it is a good question, I ask myself it alot...
It depends on the day and my mood and who YOU are and not that I am wanting to seem fickle, indecisive, whathaveyou... but I am female and reserve the right to be so if I choose...
but seriously... I suppose like everyone else on here I want to meet that "ONE."
That seems a bit intimidating. Doesn't it?
But thats an eventuality. I'm not in a big hurry. Right now, that one for me is someone who is not looking for just sex, but also not in a rush to be in a overly committed relationship. That can take things as they come. That wants to be with me.
Pretty much my outlook on dating/relationships is that I either like someone or not.
I must admit consisitant persistance breaks resistance and I have gone out with a person or two that I really thought I didn't/wouldn't like, and we are friends even now. But for whatever reason that connection wasn't there for it to grow beyond that.
We have to meet a few of the wrong people sometimes so that we can figure out what's right...
Please, please do not email or message me looking for things like one night stand sex, "day play" or to be f**k buddies. I can get that on my own if I want it.
However, feel free to say hello if you are presently unattached (which means unmarried and with no other serious relationships where someone can claim you and will cuss you out for chatting with me or meeting).
Or you are seriously looking for new friends... you can never have too many friends, male or female.
I'm nice... even if I do bite...
First Date
I have had alot of first dates. Sometimes I wonder if its best to just skip the first date. Then again, what actually IS the first date? the first time you meet someone, be it for dinner or for coffee? The first time you go out as a couple? Ever watch the movie 50 First Dates?
As far as that which i consider fun, I like to walk (just aimless wandering walking, to think and the such like... not for my health), drive around listening to the radio, I like shooting pool, watching movies, cooking (although I loathe loathe LOATHE cleaning and doing dishes, laundry too... ick. I would rather mow the lawn and do yard work... if you come clean my house for me, is that a date?), I like to go on road trips to places I haven’t been, I like theme parks (I am a coaster junkie), historical sites, aquariums, state parks, and camping and fishing. I am fond of physical contact if I am really liking someone. Which is something I probably shouldn't mention, but consider it more of a warning. Kind of a "Beware of Jen" thing.
In the getting to know someone stage, I am not really fond of the whole dinner and a movie thing... dinner might be entirely too much of a committment for me, and talking during a movie is just rude...
I'd rather head out to the beach, walk around downtown, or just cruise...
Online Dating Messaging Restrictions (To message onebadjen you MUST meet the following criteria.)
its been awhile since i had that one. but everytime it is equally disturbing.
my brother died on may 25, 2000 at hospice of savannah. my sisters and i were there, as well as our mother, my son and nephew, a clergy member from church and his wife, and a few friends of mom's. my brother went out fighting. he knew we were all there... he'd have spells of lucidity followed by "talking out of his head" spilling whatever came to mind. he wanted to know where brian (my husband... the evil ex now) and our dad was. he passed before brian could get there. dad never showed up, he went to the funeral home. we didn't speak to dad much back then. or his wife. in fact we stopped her from visiting charles because we didn't want mom more upset.
he died at around 4pm. i was holding his hand. i still remember how that felt. how tight his grip was. how i knew when he died.
the nightmare i have isn't about that... its one of those survivor's guilt things. my sister has said she has had some somewhat similar, but lacking the violence in mine. her's tend to the more simple... walking by his room and seeing him there and him asking why she had forgotten about him.
mine is that that i am literally responsible for his death. that i killed him. that he really isn't buried in the cemetary up there on hwy119. that somehow i killed him and he is buried in the yard. in one dream he was buried near the septic tank at mom's. in the one last night he was buried near the shed in my backyard. and of course the running theme is that he is about to be found. and my fear of being found out. of everyone knowing that i killed my own brother. fratricide. in the dreams i am spared the details of the actual killing. of course they will figure it out when the find his bones. and know it was me. usually in the dreams my sister knows about it, but was not an active participant in his murder. she knows i did it. why she covers, i don't know... i think its because of not wanting her nephew to lose his mommy.
i know it is just a dream. i know he is buried up there at memorial gardens, near our friend linda, and where dennis and mr randall and a few others we know "RIP."
but it doesn't change the fact that i got better from my cancer. i sought treatment early enough. not only that, but they said i couldn't have kids and a couple years later i had a beautiful baby boy. one that was adored by his uncle charles.
charles loved watching his nephews grow. he was amazed about how they figured things out and learned to walk and talk. i wish he was here for them today.
he would also be pretty damn thrilled i am divorced. i remember when i was sick when i had cancer, charles would stop by my house to make sure i wasn't dead. my ex, even then when i needed him so badly, had the habit of going and playing with cars with his buddies... everything but come home. his mother took me to my chemo treatments. i wanted brian so badly to be with me then. my brother would stay there at the house when he got off work until brian came home, despite the fact that he needed to be back up at 4am to go to work. he would make sure i ate, no matter how bitchy and pukey i was. he'd make me get out of the house for awhile. get out of the bed. sometimes he'd just sit in the living room and watch tv, then pace to the end of the hall and peek in my room... "just making sure you weren't dead yet" then return to the living room. my sisters couldn't handle being around me so sick... bald... the weight gain from the steroids they prescribed... the puking... the tube in my chest. on christmas sis even accused me of getting cancer for attention. unless you have been that ill, its hard to understand attention is the last thing you want. you want to just hurry up and die. life becomes the next treatment, the next life-threatening fever, the next time you are put in reverse isolation for the evening while your future ex husband bitches about having to miss ex files because you are sick and in the emergency room again... wanting to talk to him... needing to be held... while he sits there in the chair by the door, cap pulled low over his face to sheild his eyes from the glare of the hospital's flourescent lighting... him complaining how tired HE is, when if we had been home he would have been watching tv or playing video games or fuck.. not there at all... gone to some cruise in with jeff and bobby...
and damn i got side tracked there. repressed rage. repressed sadness. even feelings of failure on my part... if i hadn't got sick...
charles used to carry on about how brian was "no damn good husband." he was protective of his sisters. when elizabeth started dating paul and would bring him home to mom's house charles would hang around there to "make sure they don't do it" they obviously found someplace to, because jeremy was concieved.
i so so so hate losing my temper, but its nowhere as scacry as it used to be. there were times back when i was younger i literally blacked out. i know some is heredity... i remember dad putting his head through a wall and worse when i was a kid. i swore my son would never EVER witness that, or the crap mom would pull "you all hate me i am going to kill myself" as well as threats to kill us along with her. so far, while not pefect, i think i am doing good. thing is, he is so violent himself without having witnessed what i have. i worry. alot.
but anyway, i got the dog taken care of this morning. it wasn't fun and matthew would freak the hell out if he sees where crash it tied out at. by the tree that was struck by lightening last year, when we lost our tasha dog to electrocution. granted the tree has fallen and so the liklihood of it happening again is not high... but my kid would still be pissed. i'll just have to do something different by the time he comes home.
you ever been just too mad to breathe? this damn dog... dad is building that fence. and already the little shit has found a way through. got his fucking ass through and tangled his line on the porch. problem is there is only like a foot or so between the fence and the side of the steps he was/is tangled on, and he kept fighting me on getting him free. so i finally figure fuck it, the side that is hooked on the porch ain't going any damn where and hooked him to the other end. and before i could block where he was slipping through (right where the fence meets the house) the damn son of a bitch did it again. its fucking raining out there. its dark. and i HAD just taken a shower and ended up burning my supper and now i gawddamn smell like wet dog and burnt tuna and i gotta go back the fuck out there and get him untangled and i got so pissed i hit him because he wouldn't be still enough to unhook the coller and i wish i could just let him loose but i can't at night and my hand hurts where i popped him and fuck i just feel like someone oughta shoot me because of my damn mean ass temper but the damn dog wouldn't let me help him and lord knows how long he had been tangled like that and i really don't want to have to crawl under the porch in the mud and the rain and the bugs i have seen black widows under there before and its dark and just fuck me to hell i feel like i am gonna puke and then cry.
but i owe alot less since bankrupcy court. just my student loans and living expenses. i need to pay the phone bill and the electricity. i haven't even cashed my paycheck from the last pay period, and the one for this one will be here saturday. child support is gooooood. granted i haven't used much of that yet either. i think i am going to go open a bank account before going to work.
once again, a guy has called attention to the fact that my communication skills can be lacking. and i know he's right. it is a pervasive problem that i have when kinda interestd in someone. what gets me is that i have been accused of communicating in more of a "male" fashion, yet guys don't get me? some do.. but we are friends and they have bitched about it too. i'm sorry. i am just more action orientated that the type that likes to just gossip. well maybe its not gossiping... but hell why TELL you about something, when i can SHOW you?
i am tempted to go on a profile changing kick. those that know me, or maybe feel like they do, does this look like "me" am i being honest with others and myself? is there anything that oughta be changed? any constructive critism welcome :)
onebadjen
33/f, straight. 5' 4" (1.62m). SINGLE. Last login:
About me... I am divorced, have dated off and on, and do not have a boyfriend or significant other. I'd like to make some new friends.
For fun I like to walk (just aimless wandering walking, to think and the such like... not for my health), drive around listening to the radio, I like shooting pool, watching movies, cooking (although I loathe loathe LOATHE cleaning and doing dishes, laundry too... ick. I would rather mow the lawn and do yard work.), I like to go on road trips to places I haven’t been, I like theme parks (I am a coaster junkie), historical sites, aquariums, state parks, and camping and fishing. I wish I had a boat. I am thinking about getting one. It would be fun to be taught how to play card games. I like music. I used to play the piano at church and conduct sometimes, but that was a long, long, time ago. I can't say I was really good at it, but I enjoyed it and wouldn't mind doing it again under certain circumstances. I guess I am sort of a heathen for now though and don't attend any church.
I have a son, and many of my activities include him, as generally when I am not working he is home with me. When his dad has him (which is half the week), I have time to go out and do what I like.
I love my job. Its great, I work 3-4 days a week and still get my 40hrs, although it’d be nice if it paid more. But it’s a non-profit agency, so what can I expect? I am a "residential trainer" which basically means I babysit grown men. It's a group home for men who have a history of mental illness (the majority of them are schizophrenic).
hmm.. what else to share? heh. i dunno. ask.
What I'm doing with my life:
Enjoying time with my family and friends.
I am doing whatever feels right at the time.
Playing and not taking myself or life too seriously.
Being a good mommy.
Working.
Trying to get my ducks in a row, but its kinda like herding cats...
Treasuring every moment of my life, both good and bad.
The first thing(s) people usually notice about me:
A funny thing to ask in my opinion... it might be better to ask the first things i notice in others.
Of course we don't aways know what the first things others notice in ourselves is unless they say something or are blatently starting or something... anyway I'll just go by some comments people have made to me the first time we met:
"Wow! You smell great!"
"You are even cuter than I thought you would be."
"I am trying awefully hard NOT to look at your tits right now."
"Why do you keep grinning like that? That damn shit-eating grin... What's so funny?"
And yes I do have a big-shit eating grin. I like to make direct eye contact and have a big smile. It kinda keeps the focus away from my tits. Not that that is a big issue. I like my tits too.
As far as simple physiology, my breast size is 44DD, I weigh about 220lbs (give or take depending on the time of the month) and am about 5'4". I have long brown hair and brown-ish eyes.
Oh yes, and the big shit eating grin. And a tendancy to giggle when amused.
I don't know why, but I seem to be the type of girl that guys hold doors open for, smile at, and start conversations with in public places. Whatever people first notice about me, they seem to feel I am approachable, which I suppose is a good thing?
My favorite books, movies, music, and foods are:
Not that I could survive a trivia match on any of the book/movies/music... i know some people are a bit obsessional about these things... me, i just like what i like.. don't bother me about the details!
As far as foods, I guess I am pretty omnivorous. Some stuff might gross me out, but that has more to do with the type of people who put mayo in spaghetti than the food in particular. Then again, some people are grossed out by what I like to eat sometimes.
those things that keep you alive: air, water, and food, shelter, and maybe sex... is there anything else?
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
I spend alot of time trying not to think and i am getting good at it. Not that I can't decide things. I just prefer not to have to think about them lately. When I do choose to think, I think about mundane day to day matters...
I might be out with my favorite "hot date." Namely my son Matthew. If he is with his dad or spending the night elsewhere or hanging out with the sister that I live with I might be out and about either on my own, with friends, or with whoever has caught my interest at the time.
Otherwise I am here, probably online chatting or playing video games (my sis thinks i am such a loser and makes fun of my "internet friends" but geesh some people I have known since college and in "real life" this is just a more convienent medium for us to communicate at times than visiting or calling).
There is also i pretty good chance that I am working as well. Gotta love that 1pm-12am shift.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit here is:
If you are that nosey visit http://onebadjen.tblog.com and read the archives. Just if you read something try to take it in context, and feel free to ask me about anything.
I am frequently guilty of sharing way too much information. I have been told I need to be less honest, however I am a terrible liar and eventually spill.
You should message me if:
You are presently unattached, which means unmarried and with no other serious relationships where someone can claim you and will cuss you out for chatting with me or meeting. I have an aversion to married (or otherwise committed) men, especially those who want to play but to keep things from their significant others.
You are looking for new friends... you can never have too many friends.
Please, please do not email or message me looking for things like one night stand sex, "day play" or to be fuck buddies. I can get that on my own if I want it.
Incidently, for those that read stuff like the comments, I just like commenting. I may or may not have met the person, or maybe they are someone I already know. It isn't a marking of territory thing or that I am or have been involved, but i have read some people's profiles and seen comments that make me wonder if they are now "taken" or something. Anyway, if I really am curious about someone I will actually message, and I don't do that too often. My fear of rejection is too high to put stuff like that out there for public viewing. I mean what if i meet someone and say how great they are and how sweet blah blah blah and they either don't display the comment, or say something terrible about me? I would be wounded. And have to sulk. Fortunately I do get over rejection pretty easy, and am not a psycho-chic. If someone asks to be left alone, I leave 'em alone. Not that things get to that point usually... ok I am rambling. That TMI kicking in.
I am "onebadjen" on Yahoo messenger, I have aimand MSN messenger too but do not use those as much.
And finally don’t let this all scare you off... I’m nice... I am a good girl, really i am...
Don't let her fool you, this woman is Evil incarnate, and probably one of the best people you could pick as a friend. She is as she presents herself, and just doesn't waste time or energy on bullshit and meaningless social nonsense.
he's a teddy bear with teeth... grrr! (and no, to any ladies reading his profile, this isn't one of those territorial-type comments... just a reference from a non-naked time friend.)
i have noticed as of late that my entries contian an enormous amount of typos. i am usually so particular! i am one of those who in chat feels the need to correct myself when i make mistakes, even though who i am chatting with either doesn't care or maybe even didn't notice.
i suppose it is a symptom of whatever is bugging me... the past few days i could have just LIVED in the shower if feasible. i feel stuck between just not giving a shit and caring way too much.
i had decided to back up my blog onto word on my pc. it also seemed like a good idea at the time to start deleating old entries, maybe link to entries i felt were interesting for whatever reason. why the fuck did i want to do this? geesh. BAD idea. shoulda left well enough alone.
its really weird the extent of talking me and barry do. i don't think i really have stayed on the phone actually TALKING to someone like he and i do since i was in high school. according to the timer on my phone 203 minutes last night, and not even a hint of phone sex. i'm not sure if he and i will ever meet and if we do what we will think of each other once actual physiology is thrown into the mix. he has seen almost all of the pics i have of me and kev and me and tommy. but "real life" is different. i haven't seen pic one of him yet. not thati place that high a value on looks... as long as someone is "well kept" so to speak... clean, brushes their teeth, doesn't smell funny, dresses appropriately... it doesn't really matter so much what body type they have. i can be awfully shallow for a fat chic at times though. not always, but sometimes. i don't spend alot of time wondering if i'd "like" him or if he'd "like" me. we have alot of the same views on "love." ok upid says i am WAAAAY more loving than him. not too many other glaring differences... i am more sex-experienced, hornier, and more violent while he is MUCH more political, MUCH more progressive, MUCH more into drugs (but not really), andof all things "COOLER." well that ok cupid's opinion at least.
i slept in this morning, accidently turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze bar, so matthew missed the bus. not that he minded the "car ride" to school. he can be such an inquisitive chatterbug. this morning one of his topics was david, who he regards as his own personal friend. yesterday he had asked why i don't marry him. i was like "do you even see me kissing him? he's my friend." then i made a remark, not sure how i worded it, about david being "kinda a kid still" not that that is a bad thing. but i guess matthew spent way too long thinking about it last night. all the questions! "is david old enough to watch himself?" uh yeah. he's 20. me and your dad were married when i was 20 and had our own house. "can i have a job too when i am 20?" kid, you maybe can have your own job when you are 16. so the line of questioning went until we got to school. there was one day that matthew had busted out that he liked me more than his dad because i answer his questions and talk to him. i told him he likes his dad just as much. but inside i felt pretty smug. i have to remember that kids are terribly manipulative, and that on top of that he is MY son. i have always been good at telling people what they want to hear as well as twisting that which they don't want to hear into something they don't mind digesting. he'll be asking for another transformer or something.
i came home from dropping him off and was checking my various email accounts. i had one new one on ok cupid, the account that i had emailed steve on. i had a breif moment of panic almost, thought that maybe he had finally emailed me back and i was wondering... but it was from barry. and he had gone ahead and called me since then.
i need to go ahead and quit making excuses and either get back into my bad habits or be a little more constructive as far as looking for someone i might like as much as i did him. its so damn fustrating being someone like me sometimes. i have thought that maybe i need to start lying to guys. i am stuck between two different types... the ones who are "only looking for sex" and as soon as they find out that eventually, one day, i might like a long term relationship with someone, they wuss out. but fuck.. kevin kinda qualifies as a LTR. long term fuck buddies, but LTR nonetheless. and maybe if i met one of these guys "just looking for sex" i could have a better long term fuck buddy thing going on. on the other hand there are guys that will find me interesting, attractive even, but when they find out some of the fucked up shit i have done, they wuss out. yes i have been with a few guys. and yes, i have participated in nearly every male fantasy that i pretty much care to... there are a few things i haven't explored really... but i could have if i wanted. it must be fairly aggervating to be out with a chic, and every time you bring something you think is kinda shocking or extreme or kinky, she says "yeah i did that before it was..." i have never had a problem sharing my experiences with someone. hence todd telling me once i need to be "less honest." he is one of the ones who is intimidated by me that i have chatted off and on with for quite awhile.
why can't i find someone else who is "middle of the road" like me? not in it purely for the sex, but not looking to get married or live together or whatever. i must really suck.
i am thinking on messing around with my profiles again. i really need to take some more pics of myself i feel comfortable sharing. maybe if i go hang out a few with tommy tomorrow i'll bring the camera and see if he'll take some clean ones. i liked the "other" ones he took of me. then i'll get a trusted guy friend to help me pic the more flattering ones.
steve writes some kick ass poetry. i found some when i was surfing around. i have never been a poetry fan. epic poetry maybe, but sappy love shit? no. and all that agnst-ridden "i hate me and you too and wanna die" crap, to hell with that. but his... i actually like. kinda makes me want to go ahead and try calling again. but i won't do it. because in reading some of his stuff, i also realize he is way too idealistic for me. not that being so is a bad thing... i just deal far too much in reality. i LIKE reality. real experiences. i would rather go out and DO something that sit around and think. i used to have fantasies very much like his poetry, my outlet was writting short stories and drawing pictures. i can't do that anymore.
when did i lose my imagination?
i used to read pretty much anything i could get my hands on. damn when was the last time i bought a book or went to the library? even masturbation has gotten to the point where it is more functional than anything else... tension release... i remember i used to have these long drawn out fantasies... would take my time going about it... now i do what i need to and get it over with.
one of the things i say when i talk about relationships and what i am looking for is someone who can capture my imagination... by that i mean someone who when i think about actually is sort of, and don't take this too literally, is "inspirational." that being around or thinking about leads me to think of things other than my usual day to day life... maybe even look to the future, even if it is just thinking about the next time i get to see him. i felt that way about steve. and now i feel kinda weepy. forced insight is a bitch.
i need to learn to open myself up more. that and to recapture my OWN fantasies. i know i have some somewhere. just gotta remember where i put them. i know that can't all have died.
my kid just left for school... he was doing the hang on the door thing "i think i missed the bus" and there are all these voracious mosquitos, huge motherfuckers... not them skinny big ones either, these are ones with thick heavy bodies that can taka a swatting or two before going down. mutant mosquitos, i swear. one ofthe boys last comments to me was "watch out for alligators" when i said i thought i might mow the yard today. he had found that dream i had hilarious.
i guess steve has decided he wants nothing to do with me, i emailed and got no reply. it stings, but i don't hold grudges. and if i eventually do hear from him again i'll keep an open mind. as usual, there are a few guys around hitting on me.. ones i have met and know what i look like and all that stuff, as well as a few that i haven't met. but until they offer me something better than what i can get from kev, why bother? i don't want to exchange one whorehopper for another.
there is a few that i am curious about, and might consider meeting. maybe. i must admit i am not in a hurry to put myself in a place where my feelings get hurt. there is this one guy, i talked to last night, he may qualify as a new object of affections. so far i feel he has been rather honest... however the minute he teasingly asked if i remembered his name when we were chatting online before he called i drew a mental blank... are names really that important anyway? especially when your average "relationship" lasts a few weeks? i read somewhere about the types of guys to avoid and one was "the 5-night stand sam" or something like that. guess that's what steve was. well we did have a coupld "dates" in there. fuck it.
fuck. a guy i chat with is rubbing in the fact he got some and i didn't. i don't really give a shit, and have put this dude on ignore more than once. tends to lie about things like BEING MARRIED and all. he has expressed jealousy of kev a few times, thinks kev is pretty damn lucky to have achic like me... a KINKY chic like me... a HORNY KINKY chic like me... to play with. and of course he thinks he would be better for me. i wonder what his WIFE would say to that. lately he claims he is getting divorced. but i guess he is carrying on about this chic because there has been so many times he has tried to be friendly with me and i went into graphic detail about kev.
anyway... where was i? yeah... going on about forgetting the guy's name. this guy "found" me on the ok cupid site. they have all those personality questions on there. and he is i think the first that is "kinkier" than me. i am still hornier though. but damn... david joined and i am hornier than him. i must have some deep seated isses, ya know? to be hornier than a damn 20 year old? daniel told me that i have the horomones of a teenage boy once, and suggested i see younger men because i'd wear him out and be looking for more. damn i miss daniel. another one i coulda really fallen for, and one that lasted over a year (with some kev overlap unfortunately, but oh well. i never claimed NOT to be a slut, and i
