What are you the Guardian of? (Girls only) (Anime PICS)
Guardian of Shadows.
A people don't really know you, and you like it that way. You stay out of peoples way, and don't talk often. You are just there, but a few people know you. At school or work, you are always there and are hiding something.
Power: able to blend in with surroundings Home: city Fav. Color: black Name: Ember What else you rule: Darkness, night, mystery, intelligence, and cunning
my ex called before i left work. i had all my nails chewed off before i got home.
i had nightmares the other night. weird sex dream the past two nights.
sis has got one of them lil' footballs with fur type dogs and it bugs me.
i have indigestion, anyone heard of the "stress" diet? it was in my stress management text back when i took that class. the end result is, of course, death.
i don't want to deal with the stuff with my son and his behavior at school. it hurts so bad that in many ways it seems he is just like me. i remember how i just felt like crap all the time when i was a kid, like everyone was watching me and nothing i did was right. compound this by him having been an only child up until a few months ago (i had 3 siblings, and have been the big sister since i can remember) and now he suddenly has "baby sister", a stepsister that picks on hiom and is a total bitch from what i have seen, and then yet another older stepsister that has a kid a bit over a year old. on top of that, his dad mostly sticks him at his grandma's. yes he is only 6, but i'm sure he feels like he is being kept out of the way.
i tried to hang myself from a doorknob when i was in the 3rd grade.
damn near succeeded.
i remember dad being pissed that i had used nylon rope and he couldn't cut it as i was blacking out.
i had scars from the rope burn from when he snatched it off my neck. they may still be there, i haven't looked in years. some scars never disappeer.
what does my kid do? he beats his head on concrete walls at school in order to "punish himself" for "being bad" and those are HIS words when i asked why.
i saw counselors and became QUITE adept at telling them what they wanted to hear. my kid is already good at communicating with adults. i figure it can't hurt for him to see one though.
and i try to talk to my ex about this. he is so wrapped up in his own little bubble and puts me off.
then i bite my fingernails off to the quick on my way home.
Blue Dragon. You have the spirit of a Blue Dragon, you are in simple words unsure. You know you can do things, but do not apply yourself. You often hang out with friends, or other people, but go along with whatever they do. You don't like to interfere, you fear your abilities. You feel alone, but feel it's better that way.You at times feel at war within yourself, you see your problem, but feel surround by your own layers to do anything about it. You are very loyal to your friends, most of them you have never met (internet friends, games, etc.) And have a love for art, helps you through tough timesm and lets you express yourself, where words fail
Unlike aggressive black wings, you do not wish to involve yourself with any form of humanity or living thing, unless it is on your own terms. Darkness is where you feel the safest, whether you are alone (sometimes) or with a fellow passive (you enjoy the company of your kind). You are not full of hatred, but rather a sense of alienation. You often find yourself saying, Why bother?
Your wings are not tattered, for you have always been hidden away and unexposed.
i have gotten the first letter from matthew's teacher of this year. i don't know if there has been ones sent home when he has been with his dad. apparently he was spitting on the mirror in the bathroom and beating himself in the head. i've seen the head hitting thing. hell... i have done the head hitting thing when i was younger. i grew out of it. maybe i should take him to a child psychologist. i don't know. i still need insurance on him.
i still feel low. i still feel on the verge of a crying jag. maybe i need one?
i went over to matt's this morning. i came very close to having a temper tantrum, it kinda scared me. i don't wanna do that. but i also don't like the way i feel things are. i like him. and i am affectionate with those i like. i feel a lack of reciprocation. plus he, like everyone else, believes the cool front i put up.
jen is a bitch.
jen has no feelings.
jen doesn't love anyone.
REM
Low
#CCCCCC">Dusk is dawn is day Where did it go? I've been laughing Fast and slow Moving in a still frame Howling at the moon Morning found me laughing Up and down, down Low low low Night suits me fine And morning suits me fine I've been so happy Way up high, high In between Down below Low low low
I skipped the part about love It seems so silly and low Low low low Low low low
I said the morning It isn't your time Barefoot naked I can see your lines It doesn't bother me That you are right Your grass is grassy wet Your light white is bright Light white light
I skipped the part about love It seems so shallow and low Low low low Low low low
You and me We know about time We know how things go They come and go They live and grow They pass and go And glow and glow Up and down High and low Low low low Low low low
I skipped the part about love It seems so silly and low I skipped the part about love It seems so shallow and low Low low low Low low low
I like your hands All full of glory All full of glory
i do. i really really do. which i am sure he gets off on. then again, we are talking about a guy that thinks that making me climb the walls with a remote contol vibrator is better than sex, ya know.
i so fucking need some girlfriends!
problem is, if i had girlfriends, my damn guy friends LIKE MATT would be trying to fuck them.
i so damn give up.
you know how most people hang themselves? they just tie a rope around their neck, wrap the other around a doorknob and just sit down.
not that i would do something like that. i love my kid too much.
i just wish the fucking karma cops would get off my fucking ass.
actually i wish i could cry. i feel like that guy from fight club. i have so many emotional walls built up that they not only protect me from others, the insulate me from me as well.
yep. this is the song of the night, although i might like the johnny cash one better...
Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair beneath the stain of time the feeling disappears you are someone else I am still right here what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way
had a chic message me. turns out she is the i guess ex-girlfriend of someone i know. even though nothing had been going on with me and him i feel bad because i know how bad it sucks to be her right now, the betrayal she must feel... and me knowing i know him, and what i DO know could only make her feel worse. when i realized who it was... damn. i have considered him a friend in the loosest sense of the word... had even thought breifly on letting him crash here when he said he was getting kicked out... but thought better because of the plethora of problems he has... #1 being his drinking, #2 his habit of trying to whore himself out online... i mean how many times had he messaged me with stuff like come over and buy me a pack of smokes and some gin or vodka and he'd do what i wanted? which for me was a major turn off. depsperate people suck. plus i knew he had a girlfriend. and of course he was telling brandy the same stuff...
yeah i told her we've met. i don't think it was in the time frame they were together, altough he had been trying.
i'm glad i could at least honestly tell her that me and him don't fuck, not that that was any consolation.
what's funny is how when i was describing kevin, she thought i was talking about him.
you know, my initial reaction when she messaged me was "damn i hope that this isn't some guy's girlfriend crawling my ass..."
i feel guilty. no real reason to be.
but i do.
i'm glad i try to make every effort to make sure my potential playmates aren't attached.
but shit i still feel like i am going to hell.
maybe this feeling isn't so much about me though, but about my failing faith in mankind?
i made it up to my kid's football practice this afternoon, i was still a bit not quite right feeling from the doc app't, but i wanted to see my kid. its amazing the progress they have made. they are really starting to look like a football team, and my kid... yes MY kid... the lil' demon that was suspended from kindergarden TWICE is behaving like a real team player. he seemed so grown up. his grandparents, my ex's mom and dad, had brought him there. i was polite to them and they were civil-ish. i spent most of the time on the phone with matt.
i also talked to jeff tonight, his boys play football too but not at the smae field my kid does. i think i might meet him for coffee or something this weekend if all goes well.
had that ob/gyn app't from hell today. ick. shots in the cervix. blech. but valium... lortab... and whatever she injected me with that "might cause some ringing in the ears or a metallic taste in my mouth" YUMMY. been on a drowsy mellowed out legal high all day. its coming down now, i feel sleepy and dizzy and THIRSTY. that and i feel pain now too... like i was kicked in the cunt. it hurts to cough.
and matt goes to his overnight shift now. we stayed on the phone until 4am last night, he was "practicing" being up all night for work. he had suggested i come over, but i was pretty agitated about kevin being "close to home" at the moment and not really liking it. after all you doen't shit where you eat. he was pretty pissed off acting at me, not that i blame him. he knows i want better than him, and therefore is emotionally obligated to treat me like shit in order to convince himself that its ME that has all the problems. i'm not really worried about it, as long as he does't show up drunk on my doorstep and cause problems. i like my world and don't want i fucked up.
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Free your mind, and the rest will follow. You've been putting up lots and lots of rules, boundaries and strictures that govern your life, but as of late, you might be finding them more burdensome than helpful. If that's the case, it's time to examine what you're so intent on keeping out of your life that you needed to build these real and imaginary fences. You're ready to spread your wings, but first you need to unlock that cage you've built. - Horoscopes by Email - Celebrity Compatibility - Dating Do's and Don'ts
it seems that the guys i talk to and get involved with are either after too much or too little... or am i just making excuses? i am so tired of games, especially my own. bad habits die hard.
oh i had some rants and fussing to do! but i kinda got it out of my system before i got home this afternoon, pulled an all night plus... i feel numb and my head hurts but over all have mellowed out from my agitation of last night. i still have the evil vengence plots to hatch and will be seeking an appropriate accomplice. it sucks when respect is lost for a would be friend. or it will for him at least.
almost everyone can be replaced.
oh yeah... i need to go into karma too, and getting what i deserve.
You should dye your hair purple or black. You have a dark personality - dark as in deep. You keep your feelings bottled up and don't like being the centre of attention. 'You're the girl/boy that no-one knows, inside you're alone but you would never let it show.' (OH stop me I'm singing that Annelise Van Der Pol song!)You're like Janis, from mean girls - but not so mean!
i have the weekend off, and its "kid-free." what to do with it? i have already sorta made plans with "god" and once i tell someone i plan on doing something i usually stick to that course of action. but there are other things i could do.
the guy i was seeing about this time of year last year (the one that even a few months ago was still telling me what i good wife i'd make) wants to see me. he lives in north carolina though, and that a long drive for either of us (or both if we meet in the middle).
sooner or later i need to meet jeff that i have been chatting with here and there. he seems to be fairly nice, and i really have no reason not to meet him, except that i rather enjoy matt right now. but i am still single, and matt hasn't had the "you are not allowed to see other men" discussion with me.
anyway... thats just 2 of a few options.
hell i could call kev and see just how mad at me he is over me standing him up the other night. as long as i remember to wear old clothes i no longer like, and to carry a change of clothes with me in case what i am wearing winds up in a tree again.
or then again... butch lives just four hours away i think... hehe
Death You scored 21 as a bloodthirsty Vampire, 24 as Death him/herself, 15 points toward being a shape-shifter, and 10 as a howling, murderous Werewolf!
The Grim Reaper him/herself. Who knows? You do, cause you're the only person that can get away with carrying around a scythe that huge. No, not a sickle, it's a scythe. Sickles are for cutting weak, little pieces of wheat. A scythe can take a bushel of wheat in one clean swipe. And that's how you take your lives. In one, fast, graceful, unwarranting swipe. You're not a member of Hell, not a servant of Heaven, you're actually neutral in all ways. The Gatekeeper is what some people call you. But we know your name is Bob, or Marcy or something like that. This is probably a bit flattering, being Death and all, but hell who wouldn't want to be life-taking incarnate.
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 48% on bloodthirst
You scored higher than 68% on damnation
You scored higher than 41% on deception
You scored higher than 21% on murderous
If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Personality of the Underworld Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=377 2553126561658534" title="http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=377 2553126561658534" target="_blank"http://www.okcupid.com/tests/...
i am a brunette. so is my mom, as was her father, and presumably at least one of his parents. the rest of them on my mom's side of the family are blonde as blonds can be and still have some skin pigmentation. eye color tends to be blue/green to hazel. perhaps it is the scandinavian heritage, grandpa was in the first generation of his family to be born on american soil, having immigrated from sweden. grandma's family was primarily danish combined with a bastard line from king george the third of england (a point that brought her MUCH shame.)
on my dad's side of the family most of them have that platinum blond hair with clear blue eyes with the exception of my grandmother and 2 of her daughters. they also are indirectly of scandinavian ancestry... from vikings that settled in scotland on my grandma's side.
all my siblings have the same complexion and hair coloring as my dad. if you put one of grandpa's pictures, my dad's, my brother's, my nephew's, my dad's siblings, and my sisters' together you might be hard pressed to pick out who is who.
i grew up feeling rather second rate due to my tanned complexion and brown hair that tended to turn reddish in the summer. i can only assume that my mother's attitude was from much the same treatment, her younger sister was the blonde one. granted my uncle was a non blonde, but as a male, i guess he didn't really "count."
the point is, as a brunette, i suffered. in junior high school my mom started on the "you're getting too fat" trip. when i pointed out that sis was stealing my clothes and they rather fit her, she responded with something along the lines of "but at least she's blonde." not her EXACT words of course, but something like it. i truely believed i was less desirable.
i remember once when my grandma, dad's mom, the NON BLONDE one came for a visit and she had colored her hair blonde. i completely freaked out. at 12 years old, i cried like a baby and plead with her to NEVER EVER do that again. of course to the adults it was cute and funny. but i was so wounded, having long lost any faith and trust in my mother, i felt that the one person who understood me had betrayed me.
in high school i never thought any of the blonde boys were cute. my preferance in men has usually tended to the ones with darker hair, tan complexions, and for some reason lighter colored eyes, like hazel/brown or green to greenish blue. i also kinda like 'em taller than me.not saying this is a "gotta have" standard in the way some guys will specify that they WILL NOT date a chic that weighs more than 130lbs. i can appreciate the good points of just about anyone, regardless of pigmentation or body type.
case in point, i married (and of course later divorced) a redhead. incidently, his new wife/girlfriend/whatever she is is blonde. and of course skinny. add another notch to the inferiority complex.
when i became pregnant i recognized the potential of having a blonde baby. i rather feared it. not saying that i would have "thrown him back" had my kid been born blonde, but i REALLY REALLY wanted a kid that looked like me. but like i said, even if he had been a blonde boy, i would have loved him just the same.
its bad though. this obsession was such that the 1st question i WANTED to ask when i came to after my c-section was "what color hair does he have? what does he look like?" instead of "is he healthy?" or even if he was alive. i kinda assumed he was healthy and alive because of all the ultrasounds and such that i had had. heck, we even knew he had the proper amount of fingers and toes before he was born.
i am glad my boy looks like me.
he has already said he wishes he had blonde hair like his cousin though.
and i hate mom for it, she has actually made comments about how "its too bad kaitlyn wasn't born with that blonde hair" in front of the kids. granted my katie-niece is only 4, but you'd be surprised at what kids remember.
my kid remembers when i dyed sis's hair brown. he would have been 3 or 4. she looked great. i had attempted to put some red tint to my hair, after going through a bunch of hair manipulations to spite mt husband. it turned out almost purple. my dad said i looked like one of those short, fat puerto rican chics. a few weeks before i had gone blonde, and put a perm in, basically to piss off my ex who when i asked if i should get my hair cut informed me that he "didn't give a damn what i did with my hair" he had used to go into fits when i changed its appearence. he loved my long, almost down past my waist hair. then i had chemotherapy. one of my wigs was blonde. several people commented on "how good" i looked as a blonde, and "too bad you weren't born with that color hair, ot looks great on you." i generally opted for one of the wigs in my natural hair shade. my ex used to get pissed at me for changing wigs... "can't you at least just wear the same one around my friends?" like they didn't know i had cancer. like they shouldn't know what was going on. it really strikes me now just what an jerk my ex was.
anyway, back to the episode i was discussing, which took place several years after i got well again and had a full head of deep brown hair (my hair grew back a bit darker after chemo, and my complexion changed a bit too... more prone to sunburns etc). in a reactionary impulse to his "i don't give a shit" statement, i had dyed my hair blonde and permed it. i had been getting alot of compliments on how "cute" it was. me and my ex and our kid were on our way up to atlanta and had stopped somewhere to eat. out of the blue he looks at me and says "you know that really doesn't do anything for me, you look like one of those stupid chics that date black guys." now everyone else had been telling me it was "cute" and that they liked it. hurt, the next afternoon while he was in his class that we had gone up there for and me and the kid were hanging at the hotel, i dyed it back brown. he didn't even say anything. i went through a few more colrs, until i fucked it up purple, and have pretty much left it alone until last year.
i was hanging out with daniel and musing about how i was having an urge to dye my hair auburn to even it out... the ends were practically red from the sun and the beach and the pool, while the roots and upper part were rather dark brown. he suggested i dye it black. i told my sis who said it would be the stupidest thing i had ever done to my hair and she wouldn't be seen in public with me.
so black it was. again, everyone said it looked great. it took daniel and kevin both MONTHS to notice it, despite seeing them both frequently. my ex back when he still "liked" me, before i had cancer, would notice if i went as little as a shade redder, and comment even when my mother and sisters didn't notice. oh well.
now the black is mostly gone, it grew out pretty nicely... whenever lighter roots were noticable i put one of those out in 12 shampoos type rinses in to even it.
and i am having the urge to fuck with my hair.
i have a highlighting kit that should put reddish streaks in it. i have thought about dying it to an auburn color.
i know that nothing is wrong with the color it is.
i posted earlier, but no one had fed the tblog monster today and it thought my blog looked tasty.
basically i had started going off on my extreme sadness over it being my ex's weekend with matthew, how much it hurts when he is gone. due to my work schedule, i went ahead and let him take him today. i could just sit and cry.
i wish i had someone to hold me. but i'd probably just bite their fucking head off and push them away. it is, afterall, what i do best. but it would be nice to have someone care enough to try. even if they did end up running like hell because i am such a fucking bitch.
i also kinda wonder how mad at me kevin is. i shouldn't give a shit. i know he doesn't, except when he doesn't get what he wants.
my tommy buddy is missing. he was hunting a place to stay again, but i couldn't offer one. i wonder if he's ok.
another thing bothering me is that i am sick of being asked what i "really" want, especially by people who are clueless themselves. add to that the ones who claim to know EXACTLY what they want and are fucked in the head. it should be so easy to just say "i want someone who is <insert appropriate physical description here> and has <add desirable personality traits> looking for <place whim of the week>" and then to ACTUALLY FIND said person. i personally think its a prescription for perpetual loneliness. i like my options being open.
i keep thinking i hear my cell phone ringing. barry had called to let me know he was still alive about an hour ago. said his classes are trying to do him in. i need to get my last two classes. i feel useless sometimes.
gawd... i am going to turn my cell OFF before i descend into madness. then again, maybe its not so bad being mad?
my grandma sent my dad a rice a roni box full of cherry tomatoes she grew in her "happy garden" at the nursing home. regular post, from washington state to georgia. granted i am sure she is proud of her tomatoes... but is that what i will have to look forward to in some 50 years?
i'd go on, but i think it best to stop before i need committed.
me and my kid had to run into town yesterday afternoon, i thought the electric bill was past due, turns out there wasn't a past due balance (YAY!) and matthew wanted a purple jersey for football like a couple other kids on his team. and of course he wanted to go to the mall and look in the toy store at transformers and xbox and gameboy games.
and matt was there.
after malling around a bit we went over to zaxby's for supper. we had pretty much just got our food, and me and my kid were laughing at him eating the super insane hot wings he ordered (too funny, he was in pain and will probably burn off his butt hair when he farts), and then my cell phone rings new message... playing the ring tune ID assigned to... of all people... KEVIN. matt asked who it was, curious to know if it was our friend david who had called me earlier.
yeah, i admitted to matt who it was.
and it took me a few to be able to think, much less to eat supper.
conditioned response.
addiction.
i want it so bad... even though i know i shouldn't.
but...
i LIKE matt. not saying i like him more than a friend, i just like him. i think he's... damn... well... hell... i am kinda at a loss. he seems to be someone i'd like no matter what and in what context... friend, buddy, playtoy, or as i have been calling him "god."
i think i might be losing my david friend 'cause of matt. david said he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me like he used to. i hate it. i like matt. matt is god. and david doesn't want to know why.
and just for shits and giggles...
Closer
by Nine Inch Nails
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself I want to fuck you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to fuck you like an animal my whole existence is flawed you get me closer to god you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else I want to fuck you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to fuck you like an animal my whole existence is flawed you get me closer to god
through every forest, above the trees within my stomach, scraped off my knees I drink the honey inside your hive you are the reason I stay alive
i thought the blog was looking cluttered, so i started compiling links on pages and linking to those pages. also updated my collarme journal. started the bi-rant, which i will carry here when i have regained my attention span. i seem to have misplaced it.
dog tore up the phone line to the house, but i fixed it. i was talking to jeff and it just went blank. damn dog. i had my temper tantrum (come and get me peta) and went to walmart to get the stuff to fix it, as well as to make the memory box thing my kid needs for school in the morning. now what to put in there, its limited to 3 things. a transformer of course. maybe something video game related, but what else? my kid is so active and into so many things... to decorate his box i cut out stuff from a sports illustrated magazine... we have a navy jet, a motorcycle, some nascar related stuff, and football players. looks ok for a night before project.
so just how much should i devote myself to "god" (matt)? he's pretty cool... but... well... i'll think of some excuse. i always do.
fucking hell i am tired. i had one fun night. not as fun as some nights mind you, but fun nonetheless. i stayed out until 6am with a friend. me and sis went to a bar with matt, who flirted mercilessly with my sister and kept threating to tell her why i have been calling him god. then jeremy, who i haven't seen in ages showed up there. didn't really get to talk to him much, but invited him to sit with us and he did. i had took some sips of matt's drinks and sis kept pushing him to get drunk.
i think i may have made a not so great judgement call or lack of judgement and did something maybe i shouldn't have. i will confess elsewhere.
matt is still "god." if he wants to be.
my kid had football practice at 1030am today, he had spent the night with my youngest sis and i had to go pick him up at 9am we made it in time though. i need to remember sunscreem and a hat next time. i am a crispy critter and it hurts.
but its my life, and while i know it can get worse, has been worse... i can still bitch about the little things if i feel like it.
not that i am bitching about last night, last night was fucking great and i'd like to do that again. i just hope my damn horomones didn't fuck up what seems to be a fairly good fledgling friendship.
Future Cult Former Congratulations! You scored 42!
You don't really depend on religion, and chances are you've, for some reason or another, been driven away from it. But anyway, you have the potential to form a dangerous cult in the future. Good luck, hope it all works out!
i haven't decided yet. been vegging and chatting with PJ she asked me and monster babe to come to dinner. i gave her a definate maybe. her baby is going to iraq, scary. he joined the marines awhile back, and its like they can't be sending him already?!? last i saw her son he was a kid. he still is... but now i have dated guys his age. yeah, bad jen.
sis went on another of her "cleaning" sprees where she throws away EVERYTHING. now i can't find matthew's football schedule. DRAT. i'll have to take a guess what time practice is tomorrow.
i think i have decided i don't want to be awake yet. sis is up. she makes too much noise and i rather not hang out. i am such a bitch in the mornings!
PJ was asking me whatever happened to steve... i don't know. i had called, and messaged, and emailed and he fell off the face of my world. i really liked him. i wonder if i oughta call again, or if i should just let it go.
yeah, i am going to take my meds and go back to sleep awhile.
oh yes the to do list is getting LONG. another few hours on the phone with matt tonight, and a bit of anxiety that it will not happen the next few nights most likely as i am off and have a crap cell signal at the house (he has tmobile too and you have to love them free mobile to moblie minutes but when there is no signal... bah) plus it will be friday night and i am sure he'll be out. i have my kid this weekend, who has missed his mommy. i keep missing jeff's calls. i wonder what paula is doing this weekend. she is the bi-chic that i have been chatting with. we met monday and hit it off pretty good i think. that and paula my friend from college insists we need a date. then i still need to call my nurse who is also divorced and gave me her phone number. my life may suck sometimes, but is basically good.
crash is outside having abandonment issues. he hates seeing those kids get on the schoolbus and is now HOWLING. the poor big baby.
the past few days me and matt have been on the phone constantly. we are talking 4 hours a day or something like that... not all in one stretch, and hour here, two there... bad thing has been its even when i am at work. i have ALOT of "downtime" because basically i am there to make sure the residents do what they are supposed to do... and the bunch we have know what they are supposed to do... but anyway, i still oughta not be on the phone like that. i feel guilty.
but i LIKE talking to matt.
i like matt.
this isn't saying i am falling for him or anything... but damn i have fun talking with him. david has been awefully quiet with me, night before last he did ask if i was glad he introduced us. i don't remember what i told him. i might have informed him that i'd be hating him for it later. but i am glad.
if anything, when we get sick of talking to each other it will have been a learning experience for me... its usually pretty hard for me to trust like that, to just talk. i usually guard what i say, and most everything is a response to something, or relevent to what is going on right now. and we just talk.
i dissed kev in favor of matt the othe night.. did i mention that yet? kev called when i was on my way to meet matt friday night. all i had to do was call matt and come up with an interesting excuse. radioactive zombies were blocking the road. something. but i told kevin i was meeting matt. kev had wanted me to call him night before last, but i didn't. of course he called me about 30 minutes after i was off work, but i didn't answer. and i didn't go out to the islands and see him. anyway... that is another story.
i am going to go take a nap until i have to go to work. i'm sleepy.
my kid scares me how fast he is growing up... i have to make a memory box for him for his class.... but that is another story too. damn i love my boy.
sometime the weirdest shit can touch a nerve... would you believe this song about made me cry before?
Chorus: I would swallow my pride I would choke on the rhines But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside I would swallow my doubt turn it inside out find nothing but faith in nothing Want to put my tender heart in a blender Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion Rendezvous then I’m through with you
I burn burn like a wicker cabinet chalk white and oh so frail I see our time had gotten stale The tick tock of the clock is painful All sane and logical I want to tear it off the wall I hear words and clips and phrases I think sick like ginger ale My stomach turns and I exhale
Chorus
So cal is where my mind states but it’s not my state of mind I’m not as ugly sad as you Or am I origami Folded up and just pretend demented as the motives in your head
Chorus
I alone am the one you don’t know you need take heed feed your ego Make me blind when your eyes close sink when you get close tie me to the bedpost
I alone am the one you don’t know you need you don’t know you need me. make me Blind when your eyes close, time me to the bed post
in conversation yesterday with matt we came upon the conclusion that he is "like a god or something" for reasons i won't divulge here. well this of course became that matt "is" god, and i should "worship" him and ask his permission to do things and well anyway, this is kinda fun :twisted:
i wanted to see if anyone had taken my quiz, and ok cupid won't let me login! what did i used the "f" word too much in it and they deleted me? of couse i have seen quizzes with the f-bomb in the tilte so that can't be it. thety have that option where you can flag a profile as a fake. maybe someone pissed at me did that. yep, i'm paranoid.
when was it i was bitching about no one to talk to? hours on the phone with matt... jeff... lee... and then ryan until the battery died. its nice to talk sometimes. i guess being as matt called me today he does not hate me, yet. we'll see though. david might? or not. jeff is someone who lives nearby that i have emailed with on one of the dating websites. and lee had called because he hadn't for awhile, was drunk, and had decided he missed me. i wonder if he even remembers calling? we also talked about my last "encounter" with kev and agreed with what i thought was up. yeah... i need to stay clear of him completely. but then i already knew that, addictions are hard to break. excuses, excuses. what excuse will i give when we get busted for fucking places we shouldn't, or when he hurts me and i have to explain to a doctor and perhaps cops what happened? fuck... now that i think about it, the reason i felt like my ob/gyn was trying to kill me was because of playing with him a couple days before. yeah, he's "easy" in the sense that he isn't that far away and he's a good fuck and always horny, and i don't have to worry about intense emotional entanglements. and the adrenaline rush... damn i wish i didn't get off on it so much... shit, when the phone rings and i see his number on the caller id its like pavlov's dog and the bell... its hard to break physiological conditioning. and it's bad. ryan could be that way for me too if i saw him more often, just chatting online with him can make me horny without him even mentioning sex, but he's a guy so of course he eventually does... little comments that catch my imagination and i get lost in the thought of what we could do... he hasn't mentioned the chic in awhile. i wonder what is going on there? he had told me that she was seperated and going to get a divorce and the not so ethical slut in my kinda said, well if she isn't actually divorced yet, she can't really be attached per se to him yet... so while i will still avoid any attachment myself with him (which i was doing in the first place) i won't say no to us hanging out... unless of course i find myself attached. as long as we are both technically single, ya know? but if someone gives me a reason to consider myself not, or me and someone have that monogamy, i like you, you like me... let's keep things between us talk... and i do prefer monogamy as long as it works for both... well i'll continue seeing whoever, including him i guess. if he wants. i want. lee wants me to come over today, i might. my period has started though and i might be cranky, a little fun hanging with a friend might perk me up a bit.
my ears are still sore from the phone. and my head hurts.
i met david's friend that i have been talking to. no, we didn't fuck. i would have though. kev had called me when i was on the way over there. i was talking to barry at the time and he was "don't answer it." pity charleston is over 2 hours away. i like barry. of course i like alot of people. the physiological effect kev calling me still irks me. i feel like a deer trapped staring at headlights. i literally felt like i was going to be ill. fight or flight. fuck or run. but i ended up passing him up in favor of matt. matt probably hates me now. but that's ok. i hate everyone.
and my period is starting.
and i stepped in a fire ant bed when i was filling up crash's water and have bites up to my ankle.
i have avoided discussing the hurricane distaster. i am afraid to even get started. i guess the only thing i want to voice is that it sickens me how everyone seems to be wanting to look for someone to blame for this... reporters sitting there blasting fema officials and the government and even the people displaced and desperate all for the sake of "news." its a natural disaster, an act of god even. all the blaming and finger ponting and 20/20 hindsight... it saddens me. quit bitching and work together toward trying to fix things.
i had wrote about my kid and his profound statement this morning that "all the cereal boxes are wobbley" during my struggle to wake his butt up.
i spent 202 minutes on the phone with a would be friend, after a couple hours on the phone with him earlier this evening. i like that he shares stories back. i have told him i look like one of those purple haired troll dolls. he doesn't believe it.
Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.
Thus we refute entropy.
--Spider Robinson
STRESS MANAGEMENT: A VISUALIZATION
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water...
There now, feeling better?
Source: Mental Health Net
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Gustav Jung
"In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better."
Cynthia Ozick
"Being misunderstood by someone is vexation. Being misunderstood by everyone is tragedy."
