when you are the child of someone born on halloween... and your birthday is about 9-10 months later (i was in a hurry when i posted this earlier, its my sis that's b-day that is just right for a halloween conception) guess what i think mom gave dad for his birthday that year?
happy bithday dad
HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! That's When She Gets SO Mean! HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! Come on baby Scream!
maybe i wanted someone else. someone who i know could be god. or not.
maybe i messaged him on the way home.
maybe i responded to one of a few messages that had been left for me by someone else...
or perhaps i just went straight home and went to bed, happy with my day and satiated with just feeling good after hanging out with a friend and my kid.
i might have gotten a text message after i went to sleep, and then another one...
i could have responded to it, fight or flight response, shaking and taking 3 tries to dial the number right in the dark...
and i might have met him somewhere, semi dark and quiet. shivering in the cold, let him fuck me raw... cumming over and over again... let him take my ass... and make me suck his cock after before he fucked my cunt again... begged him to cum deep in me... and then gone quietly home without a word spoken afterwards... sore, feeling that old familiar sting... laying quietly in my bed as the sky turned golden with the dawn... dozing off... only to be startled to alertness as kevin messaged me again...
me and matt and the boy went to the fair saturday evening. matt froze his ass off, but since he is like ass all over i don't think it'll make much of a difference :twisted:
me and matthew get our bracelets for unlimited riding. matt.. well matt is a wuss. matt says he'll have to check the rides out. uh huh... wuss. my kid thinks he is a wuss. matt's just there for the funnel cake and checking out chics.
my kid is about batty... this ride, that ride... no amount of bribing gets him on the inverter though, which he is just tall enough for now. matt patiently tags along. i see him laughing at me and the kid as we hit the rides. he says we don't have to worry about puking, he'll hurl enough just watching us. cool. matthew wants to make him puke. he thinks its funny.
matthew would break away from me, bolting to a ride... if i refused to go on it with him, he'd turn to matt and ask him. and you know what that answer was. matt did finally get on the dizzy dragons with him, and about made himself puke (its a "family ride" where there is a wheel in the center of the dragon that you control how fast you spin with). matt also went on the bumper cars with us. matthew LOVES the bumper cars. he's a regular demon. he though those sucked though, he has gotten spoiled by six flags.
i didn't get to ride any of the "better than sex" rides i wanted to go on, matthew was too short (he's right at 48" and those you gotta be 52") and i wasn't about to wait that long in line with matt and matthew either waiting or having to find them after i was done... the lines for them were terrible. i figured it was nice enough of matt to tag along freezing his ass off without throwing the kid at him to babysit as well. he said i was as bad as the kid... gee i wonder where he gets the jumping up and down and hollering "lets ride that!" from? pity me when he hits puberty.
anyway, matthew and matt went into the freak show.. i opted out. i don't need to be any more disturbed by shit than i am. matt was dissapointed. i coulda told him so.
after a few more rides and the circus act thing they had there i figured it was time to go matthe wstarts making his last ditch begging to do this and ride that... i informed him its damn near midnight, time to buy a snack and get him back to his dad. he wolfs down some tater things with chili and cheese... man he's a mess... stuff all over his face along with the faded face paint from the party earlier and dirt and grime from jsust being a 6 year old kid. i figure his dad is gonna bitch and take him home 1st even though its out of the way to.
later matt says he thought i took the kid home 1st in hopes he and i will do naughty things. which we didn't, and i wasn't expecting or even so much wanting from him. not that i have suddenly found him undesirable or anything... he's still sorta god maybe. but... heh. nevermind. i might go into that later, or elsewhere.
as the song goes, "i would love to love you lover...".
Add It Up
Album: Violent Femmes / Add It Up
[a capella] Day after day I will walk and I will play But the day after today I will stop and I will start
Why can't I get just one kiss? Why can't I get just one kiss? Believe me there's some things that I wouldn't miss But I look at your pants and <gasp> I need a kiss!
Why can't I get just one screw? Why can't I get just one screw? Believe me I know what to do! But something won't let me make love to you.
Why can't I get just one fuck? Why can't I get just one fuck? I guess it's got something to do with luck! But I waited my whole life for just one...
Day after day I get angry And I will say That the day Is in my sight When I'll take a bow and say goodnight.
Oh my my mymymy mo mo mum Have you kept your eye, your eye on your son? I know you've had problems You're not the only one When your sugar left, he left you on the run.
Oh my my mymymy mo mo mum Take a look now at what your boy has done He's walkin' around like he's #1 He went downtown and he got him a gun.
So don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me You know you've got my sympathy But don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me [repeat]
Broken down kitchen at the top of the stairs Can I mix in with your affairs? Share a smoke, make a joke Grasp and reach for a leg of hope.
Words to memorize Words hypnotize Words make my mouth exercise Words all fail the magic prize Nothin' I can say when I'm in your thighs
Mo my my mymymy mo my mother I would love to love you, lover City is restless, it's ready to pounce Here in your bedroom, ounce for ounce [repeat]
I'm givin' you decision to make Things to lose, things to take Just as he's about ready to cut it up She said, "Wait a minute, honey, I'm gonna Add it up."
Oh Add it up! Add it up! Add it up! Add it up! [repeat]
Day after day I get angry And I will say That the day Is within my sight When I'll take a bow And say goodnight
saturday morning my kid was invited to a birthday/halloween party, a kid he has been friends with since pre-k. he wanted to go as some sort of green monster zombie thing. so he sticks on the greenest clothes he has... camoflage (sp?) as it turned out... i make up the face, blood coming out of the left nostril and ear, a gash on the forehead... like someone took a boot to the side of his head, all this over some sickly yellow green with dark circles under the eyes. we get to the party and phillip's grandpa asked matthew what he was supposed to be. phillip's younger brother prmptly answered for matthew, "a dead soldier." matthew does a double take.. he never thought of that. i quickly correct him, and matthew chimes in about being a zombie. but i am a bit depressed almost about the "dead soldier" bit, i mean my buddy jon is over there still (and has been begging me to masturbate while wearing some sexy panties to send to him) and phillip's (the birthday boy) dad is over there too. the kids had a great time, mostly sword fighting in the backyard. if matthew and his football teammates used half that energy in a game the other team would be toast.
oh yes.. the game that morning... matthew's team lost by one touchdown. and i have gotten even MORE worried about him playing football. his team literally knocked 3 of the other team's players out of the game. THESE ARE 6 & 7 YEAR OLDS!!! how bad would it suck to suffer a football injury in 1st grade??? to be asked as an adult, where did you get that limp? "oh its an old football injury..." so did you get it playing high school or college ball?" "oh no, 1st grade..."
damn i fell asleep hard last night. mary scared the hell outta me when she came into work... apparently i had dozed off, and she came in like an hour early. freaked me out when i woke to the door opening. came home, took benedryl... i pretty much passed out, woke up like once early this morning and was back asleep until matt called and woke my lazy ass up. which reminds me... i have yet to post about the other night. well any of saturday. i need to do that. hmm.. tag it to this, or do like 3 seperate entries and break the day down? yeah... breaking it down i think. that way i don't kill my attention span on one topic and wonder what i was doing next. i was raised with blondes you know.
i have a phobia. yes, the evil wicked mean and nasty onebadjen is terrified of something. something small... flying... hovering in the air, just looking for something to sting. bees. wasps. yellow jackets... they rank up there with spiders on the phobia scale. a spider is at least stationary or crawling... but stinging flying SWARMING insects...i start choking on panic.
one was in the house a bit ago, i tried to be cool and just open some windows so maybe it'd fly out. i swear the bitch was chasing me. then it'd continue exploring the kitchen...
the kitchen that now reeks with wasp and hornet spray.
i love this time of morning. it sucks if i had to wake up at this time, and it goes unappreciated... but times like these, when i was up for it already and am about to go to bed... bliss. the moon a few hours ago was a huge orange sliver hanging in the dark sky, now its small and white as the sky is lightening... as i pulled up in the driveway the horizon was just starting to allow the light to creep in.. as i look out the kitchen window i can see it steadily becoming paler, out the living room window its still dark, a few stars clinging to brightness. the time on my cell tells me that it is 7:04. the computer insists that it is an hour earlier. doesn't matter. i'm sleeping until noon, then into work at 4pm, off at midnight.
i'll blog about stuff later. i just want to enjoy this.
you're not the one but you're the only one who makes me feel like...
i am in a mood to go out and do something, but... well... i guess i am kinda whipped maybe? david wanted to get together tonight, he's been planning on us getting together like every thursday the past month or so. this is the david i met back in the early summer i think it was, not the david that introduced me to matt and went out with my sis tonight and she tried to kill him on the tilt a whirl. i told david i was feeling rather crappy, which is the truth... but not completely. i hung out with him 2 weeks ago, had fun... but... grr... um... well i am not sure he and i are on the same page maybe? he'd like to beat up and shoot people that i'd like to fuck. he is kinda the knight in shining armor type, and how far did that bit get kenny? i oughta do some kind of "year end review" as to who and what i have done. i get i am a bit weirded out as my divorce anniversary just past a couple weeks ago and it didn't even register with me. souldn't i have gone out and celebrated or something? got laid on it? i don't know. my damn ex already has a new baby and its onlt been 2 years? geesh. i can't even wrap my mind around being too much more than fuckbuddies/friends or something along that line with someone. every so often the desire to have more slips in my mind... but once again i have to stick in the "buts."
but once again, back to the point i was making... what was it? i feel whipped i guess? why do david when i don't think it'd end up much different than what i had/have with kev? and why talk to him when matt keeps me on the phone like 3 hours a day?
i guess because i want the one that can do both, and that we have a mutual liking for each other? but i doubt its him. or any of the others i talk to. maybe phil is right, it doesn't exist. maybe i already had it with someone and let it go. maybe i need to medicate myself and go to bed now.
been cold the past few nights. What happened to the string of temperate fall days when i could just leave the windows open 24/7? damn pms is kicking in too. i was in the shower and EVERYTHING was a bit sore and tender. i'm surprised i;m not horny. usually i get horny as hell. adam had text messaged me on my cell a few times last night while i was on the home phone with matt. matt, with a certain bit a sarcasm i think in his voice asked if it was kevin. god how my pulse started racing when i heard the cell ring! but i remembered that kev had told me that he is on nights.
i haven't heard from kev since he read my blog, and i wonder how much he read? it disturbs me. i have thought about giving him a call but then is he worth it? i mean yeah, he's the best damn fuckbuddy in the world i think... but then its been impossible for me to carry on a normal relationship with anyone as long as i am lusting after his cock... and not just his cock... heh. i'm not going there. i'm not horny and i wanna keep it that way.
i guess i went to sleep around 3am, after a few half asleep freak outs at the damn baby thing i had hung up on the shelves to give to lynn for matthew's baby sister. the thing is this blanket/coat, baby blue with snow flakes and a polar bear on front. precious as can be. its got a spot at the bottome where the car seat can be buckled through it. its one of a few cutesy things of matthew's i have held on to "just in case." and since there is basically no chance of me deciding to get knocked up in the near future, why not let matthew give it to his sis? that and the other one, the one he came home from the hospital in... and his sister is actually tiny enough she can wear it through the winter. matthew mine was over 9lbs, born in december... so that stuff didn't really fit him that long. most of the cutesy winter stuff i gave to a chic i used to work with a few years back.
at matthew's last football game i talked to lynn awhile, while my ex walked around and ignored both of us. he had kinda just left her sitting there with the new baby... came up to me, gave a me PART of the money he owes me... then went around doing his own thing. so i sucked it up and went over to visit with her a bit. i am not a bitch. he kinda got all red faced when he saw us talking, and just avoided us until the game was over then was all ready to go, rushing her off. you know, he still hasn't told me he has a gf? or anything. this from the guy that was all calling me in the middle of the night to bitch about me dating and having a fit about not wanting any men near his son. fucking asshole. where's my baseball bat?
me and matt have been playing with our yahoo 360 profiles. yeah, the matt not being my friend no more didn't last. they have a blog thing on there, i think i'll just link to here on there.
i was going to go to lee's this morning, but felt crappy still. matt said he was glad i didn't go.
The Girl Next Door 52% Sexy-Cute, 42% Dark-Light, 40% Artsy-Stylish
Cute, neither Dark nor Light, and neither Artsy nor Stylish. This sounds like a blah category, right? Oh, my, no. The Girl Next Door has been the subject of more dirty fantasies than you could possibly count. She's so sweet, and innocent, and infinitely corruptible. Every morning you glance out your window hoping she'll have forgotten to draw the blinds. You may feel bad about it, but you know you'll be doing it again tomorrow.
If you liked my test, Please rate it highly! Thanks!
Good Traits: You don't need people to hype up your self-esteem. You take care of yourself, and don't follow the crowd. You're unique.
Bad Traits: You don't have many (if any) friends. People aren't going anywhere and you have to learn to handle social situations. There are people out there who understand you.
People see you as: Lonely, extremely quiet, and unfriendly. You are never seen around other people, and you don't talk that much. People think you're too selfish in that you don't take the time to make friends.
You're Most Like: Confusion. You wish you had the answers to everything. The difference is that you keep it to yourself, and express yourself in a different way.
You Need More: Grace. You probably walk around with your head down. You need to hold your head high and face the world head on. Be more assertive, but not to the point of aggresiveness.
it so sucks when things like this are kinda true. maybe i have some sort of attachment disorder? my mom has told me i was never cuddley when i was a child, and that i was fiercely independant. i was usually just as content playing by myself as i was with other kids... scary my kid seems the same way.
awake with a headache and getting the kid to school
so does this mean my "toy" isn't real? and if not real, why should i be humane? and which "toy" is implied, granted it does say that the toy doesn't matter. i can read alot into that. also i have been accused of not having a conscience, although when i have broke my "toys" i do feel bad, but why should i bother relieving people of the notion that i don't have one? hell even my aunt back when i was like 12 or so accused me of having so remorse or conscience... oh well fuck it all. here's the horrorscope that triggered the rant:
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) Ever watch a cat toy with a catnip mouse? You know (and they most certainly know) that it's not a real mouse, but that doesn't mean the game is any less fun, or that they throw themselves into it with less enthusiasm. The game is the point -- not the toy. Think of the game you're playing now with a certain someone in the same way, but be humane. Convey to your 'toy' that it really is only a game -- if for no other reason than to assuage your conscience.
i have such a headache right now, and i hate matt. definately hate him right now. maybe enough that he's not my friend anymore. just plain mean.
i love this song: "...So often do we hide the beast in us. One time should've been enough for me. Two times would have had to set you free. Three time on your own, better off dead and you really should have listened the first time I said..." "switch" by stock 7 i think.
its one of my "feel better" songs i guess, kinda like watching fight club or UFC. another "feel good" song for me is "every you and every me"t by placebo. oh there are quite a few others but something about the visualizations i get with the lyrics... "Carve your name into my arm. Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed. Cuz there's nothing else to do, Every me and every you..."
when i was taking amy home (part of the reason i think matt's an ass right now, not that i begrudge taking her home, it was just his attitude and no i am not discussing it with him if he asks, either it'll be gotten over or it won't be) she informed me that static x was "headache music" and turned down my radio. oh well.
i think i'll continue this line of thought on matt elsewhere.
"In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better." i'm tired of yelling.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone Athletic...................................Flat-chested Average looking................................Ugly Beautiful.........................Pathological liar Contagious smile................Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure...................On medication Feminist.......................................Fat Free spirit..................................Junkie Friendship first........................Former slut Fun.......................................Annoying New-Age...............Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned................................No BJs Open-minded...............................Desperate Outgoing......................Loud and embarrassing Passionate............................Sloppy drunk Professional.................................Bitchy Voluptuous.................................Very Fat Large frame..............................Hugely Fat Wants soul mate.............................Stalker
A WOMAN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want. 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
A MAN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
took that nap i needed, but was interrupted by the elizabitch calling me to come get my kid. me and the boy hung out, played in the yard with crash, and cleaned out the truck. i need to invite the buddy who gave that damn dog to me over and make him help me hold his damn ass down to put some antibiotic cream on the foot the dog fucked up when he got himself tangled up the other night before i went out with david. his paw has some lacerations on it where he was tangled so tight. he doesn't seem bothered by it, but ya never know.
speaking of the buddy who gave him to me, i thought i saw him broke down near his house this afternoon. my kid pulled a fit for us to stop, but i didn't. someone was already helping him, besides he was like 2 blocks from his house... heh, call me a bitch.
i found the roses someone gave me behind the seat of the truck. i had forgot about 'em.
when it got dark me and the boy came inside and he has been such a sweetie, pretty much just watching tv. He-Man. and more He-Man.
i got to take a long shower... shaved smooth. i feel good. i'll have to tell matt what i was thinking about in the shower, and no it wasn't his cock. hehe. his ex fuckbuddy is over there hanging out and i am supposed to join them when sis gets home to watch the boy. fun fun :twisted:
yeah, we never grow up.
Truth is a Three edged sword: Your truth, Their truth, and the Real Truth
and lest we forget, forced insight is a bitch, be it a realization about yourself or throwing something about someone at him or her that they just can't handle or are ready to take.
so how does one feel when they read about themselves in a journal, diary, or blog belonging to someone else?
when they read how they might have made someone feel, how their statements and actions were inferred? and not just how they feel about you, but about someone else maybe as well.
i know that when i have had what i have wrote thrown back in my face on occasion i am pretty uncomfortable. when you write about something that happened you are writing from your own point of view, what you understood to be true at the time, or at least the logical conclusion based on the limited data you have available. someone makes you feel like shit, even if they didn't mean to, you feel like shit. that might change of course, given a day or two... or not. and by the same token, if something happens that just makes your day... but then some people can't stand to have been the cause of another's happiness... so you're just fucked either way.
and why am i on this kick? because kev was reading my blog entries to me last night/this morning. he had access to my old journal, and i pretty much always asumed he'd read this one one day as well. but this journal... i am more honest in it (yes those that are in the know might laugh at that, but i have been pretty honest about how i feel about things in here than the old one). definately more detailed.
details that when someone reads, may read more into than there actually is. be it my graphic desciption of fucking kevin in some entries, or how me and matt stayed on the phone all day and talked about everything and anything and (oh god matt's going to read this but i'm gonna post it anyway) but i have something much more valuable than a fuckbuddy with matt... i have a friend. i could go on, but certain other people read this that know both of us, so rather than risk never hearing the end of it, i'll drop that sappy shit right there. hmm... maybe i'll throw this in though, matt and i have been kinda chatting while i try to type and he informed me that i should "just type in there that you want my big thick hard cock inside your wet tight pussy fucking you from the behind and then me cumming in you mouth." thing is, as much as he cuts up about it, he isn't all about sex and getting laid and all that...well it does seem like he wants a piece of every cute chic he sees... but hell... so do i sometimes.
but kevin... like i admitted to him on the phone last night, he is the absolute best lay i have ever had (no offense to you matt, you know why and maybe we can change that if you want to).
when i see kev, i ALWAYS get what i need. fucked until i cum and then some.
i admit that i wanted to see him this morning, but...
ok enough of this topic before i end up sulking some more.
i worry i pissed kev off... forced insight is a bitch.
and then "my" bitch, he messaged me looking for pain this morning, and i told him about the blog issues...
Jennifer : kevin found my blog "my" bitch: thats bad? Jennifer : it might be? "my" bitch: why? Jennifer : i write about him alot "my" bitch: LMAO Jennifer : and about matt "my" bitch: lol "my" bitch: oh fuck "my" bitch: he is going to destroy you Jennifer : you think? "my" bitch: omg yes "my" bitch: youre done Jennifer : now what makes you say that? "my" bitch: he's just looking for a reason to hurt your body "my" bitch: i need some domination Jen Jennifer : kev had wanted me to come over but changed his mind, think its because i said matt is god in my journal? "my" bitch: um, yea "my" bitch: blasphemy Jennifer : he kinda yelled at me "my" bitch: i bet he did "my" bitch: you cant do that ti him Jennifer : i told him matt has a bigger dick "my" bitch: "my" bitch: youre mean "my" bitch: that was low Jennifer : well he wanted me to be honest "my" bitch: i don't know, Kev looked pretty hung to me, what do they each have? Jennifer : well kev is the best lay i have had in years... me and matt haven't done much really, situational difficulties "my" bitch: i mean how do they compare sizewise Jennifer : well you have seen kev, matt is maybe a bit longer and lots thicker "my" bitch: which one do you think about all the time...not the guy, the thing Jennifer : hmm... good question... i can't say i really think that way "my" bitch: dont you want to beat my ass "my" bitch: lol Jennifer : beat it with that damn long dildo "my" bitch: lmao Jennifer : bitch slap you with it "my" bitch: that too Jennifer : make ya get on the floor and play fetch with it "my" bitch: that will work
"Being misunderstood by someone is vexation. Being misunderstood by everyone is tragedy." Liu Shahe
ahh... the sounds of gunfire and zombies screaming in the morning
yes my kid is home from his dad's/grandma's again, and today is a holiday for the kids (teacher planning day). and what does my aspiring football player want to do this morning.... XBOX. no breakfast out with mommy. no playing with his dog who was waiting on him with the soccor ball in his mouth wagging his tail (matthew did feed him at least). no seeing if his friends ae up yet... no going anywhere or doing anything. XBOX.
as tblog was being, well tblog, i have missed posting a few things and commenting places where i wanted to comment.
me not speaking to matt lasted a bit under 24 hours. i guess we just needed a break.
me and my kid and my nephew and a couple of the group home guys i work with went to the effingham county fair. my kid and nephew wanted to make one of them puke, damn near succeeded on the 3rd time riding the surge. i was thinking on that ride how cool it might be to have a certain remote controlled device...
me and matt might try that if we get our shit straight and go to the coastal empire fair, which hopefully will be better than this other one... i mean NO BUMPER CARS???? please.
one thing i thought was hilarious when me and the kids went... my kid is usually the fearful one, cries and pulls fits, then gets on the ride and is "well this isn't so bad..." whereas my nephew takes after me... "higher, faster, what are we waiting on, let's go!" he wants so bad to ride the rides designed for those over 54" but can't yet. matthew about made him puke. it was on that ride where its like a ferris wheel but you are in cages where you can flip them. matthew figured out how to keep the cage from rocking and spinning. had it stuck in the upright position... which equals upside down when you are on top. he was cool because he had control of it. jeremy... well jeremy wasn't... the carnies had to stop the ride and put them off. everyone was laughing at jeremy, who got pissed.
but oh yes... parent teacher conferences were this week... i don't think i wanna talk about that yet.
maybe it is. maybe the more things change the more they stay the same. i feel so discouraged right now. partly i feel like shit because of the emotional blackhole that is my "lovelife." I mean, gawd, i am still fucking kevin?
fuck it.
i just feel like i am going to give up. put my energies into other projects... the yard needs mowed, my room needs cleaned... so much stuff needs done. of course when i am "happy" i don't notice it so much... but it also seems that i find time to do it. back when i was seeing daniel, when things were good with him, if he decided to come over the only major cleaning up i might have had to do was vacuuuming and mopping and maybe throw the books by my bed on the shelves.
now... fuck... it would take all day, maybe two, to get the house straight.
yeah, i was pretty happy when i was "with" daniel. not that i define myself by someone else, i am emotionally responsible enough to avoid that trap, and feel that i have decent enough self esteem levels (although, yeah, i do get down on myself sometimes 'cause i am a fat chic and i feel like i oughta be some sort of super women that can get everything that needs to be done completed whether there is enough time in the day to do so or not).
"The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved... loved for our selves? say, loved in spite of our selves."
but... i am responsible for my own emotional well being.
"Solve the problem yourself or accept a fate you may not like...from this perspective, the ethic of personal responsibility gains appeal."
but sometimes shit still gets to me... maybe its from having to keep emotionally on guard at work (try working with nuts sometimes... they love to try you and test you and find your weak spots. they have nothing else to do really than observe staff members, and know more about our own business than we do.) maybe its from spending 12 years with someone that i was emotionally cut off from after about the 1st three. maybe its in part from the "orbit of lust and self destruction" i have been a part of since i met kev. ...and its usually minor things that will find a crack in my emotional armor.
this time it was matt picking on me about fucking kevin. i really like spending time with matt, talking to him... its been a long time since i have had someone to talk to like i do him. yeah, i talk to alot of people... but i don't know. i like matt. maybe i shouldn't.
he had made a smart-assed remark about having to replace me since i went out and fucked kev. how many times have i told someone that i was going to replace them and promptly did? maybe it's because when i say shit like that i actually mean it, maybe i was looking for an excuse. but for whatever reason, it got to me... tears that wanted to spill but froze and would not come. the ache in my arms, reminders of when i would physically harm myself to relieve emotional pain. a feeling that i want to just withdraw fom the world, melt into shadow, vanish. give up.
i went to bed. lay there ignoring the phone... matt calling. not checking the voicemail.
thinking about how i am just fucked in the head.
thinking about what i have accomplished the past year, the past two years...
thinking that i am too ashamed of my temper tantrum to ever speak to matt again and to trust myself with him. that if i talk to him i'll cry.
so by blogging about this, am i finding a way? or am i making excuses?
maybe things never change.
an old collarme.com journal entry of mine...
6/16/2004 2:34:17 AM i was asked why i walk away from guys so easy, the answer is you can't force a relationship (even just the fuck buddy type, much less a D/s thing) and be happy in it, did ya'll know that? and emotional blackmail sucks. i am not going to try to keep anyone around who doesn't really want me. and i am sorry, but i just don't like the online things...cyber, cam all that. i find it fustrating. and yeah i guess i'll have to agree with a friend of mine that reads my journal, he says my life is crazy. and it probably is, and i don't even get into the "home" stuff on here, stuff like my son and sis and ex husband. i guess i have too many issues of my own w/o trying to deal w/ men that can't get their own straight. one good thing though, most of the guys i am friends* with say they admire me and think i am pretty level headed etc. of course they may be compulsive liars and just trying to be next so to speak.
*note i say FRIENDS with, as certain ppl think i am slut and fuck everyone, and yes there has been some that i have liked enough to have sex with the 1st night i met them and of course those would be the ones i think are weirdest right now.
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) When you're determined to have some totally impetuous fun (and when aren't you?), there's absolutely no way to dissuade you from your chosen path. That goes double when the company you're in happens to be someone you're absolutely sure will go along for the ride. At the moment, however, you're a bit torn: between doing what's right and letting the more impulsive side of your nature hold the reins. What a decision!
yeah, one of them bad jen days. i haven't slept right since the trip to texas. i stayed up too late... yes as a matter of fact i am making excuses for what might be an error in judgement.
anyway, me and matt had talked about going to a festival thing down in richmond hill, but that fell through.
i was bored.
plenty of things i COULD have done.
but NOOOOO... wtf did i do?
kevin.
oh it gets worse. much worse.
we met up at the community center we had been playing at, but they had lights on, so we decided to go *ahem* talk under a bridge where we had also hung out before.
we had only been there a few minutes when matt called. kev was about to go on one of those "why?" kicks. where he wants to know why i like fucking him, etc. i told kev i needed to call matt back. after all, i do like matt. its not kev that i spend 3000 minutes a month on the phone with. i also figured it might be a "get out of getting my ass hurt" pass.
um... remember who it was that i went to see?
i ended up up against his truck while he fucked the hell out of me and would slap my ass HARD anytime i quit talking to matt.
gawd that was weird. on the phone with the guy i want to fuck, while getting rammed 'til it felt like i was going to bleed by someone i don't need to be fucking.
he had asked who called and why i was calling back, i told him... then not a word to me, just grabbed me and turned me around and ripped down my jeans and took me.
yeah, matt ended up hanging up on me when i started screaming.
gawd kev can make me scream. and i don't care what anyone says about him... he looked so good, has the goatee grown back out and his head shaved... and it sucks that i wanted him. that when i am near him i can barely breathe. and i don't want to think about it.
conditioned responses, nothing more.
and its sad that every time i find a guy i like i end up dissatisfied with them in the sack and fucking him again. not that i was with matt. he is still god. and i still want him.
sucks to be me, huh?
things hurt... funny how that happens when endorphins wear off... fitst it was my back... i think i have scratches. then my scalp from all the hair pulling... then my knees... now i keep having pains uh... "elsewhere."
and now i am sitting here, playing literati with matt.
i didn't lie to him.
of course it would have been hard to lie, being he heard me getting fucked... but i could have not called him back. could have done alot of things.
oh well.
sometimes the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) When you turn down an invitation, it's ordinarily because of something no less life threatening than a natural disaster. And no matter where you're off to, you insist on arriving first, mingling with absolutely everyone and leaving first, too -- so that you can also be the first to ring the doorbell at your next stop. For most of us, it's an exhausting pace -- like your current companion, for example, who's probably looking a little peaked. Be merciful. Walk just a little bit slower
my kid's team won his football game tuesday and my nephew's team won in soccer. jeremy is a kick ass player, he and this other lil' kid are ball hogs and tend to knock over their own players though. i heard that a kid on one of the football teams in my kid's age group ended up carried out on a stretcher one day... those lil' guys hit each other hard. i worry about it, especially since my ex has yet to get insurance for our boy (this is where i have been thinking about a wooden baseball bat, although scubadiva has a point about the metal one...).
i finally got fed up with crash and put another tie out in the back yard where he has nothing to get tangled on and can't get near the house. he has his doghouse. he can use it. i wish dad would finish the fence. i know people who would do it for me, but that would piss off dad.
i need my house cleaned. i need to put away the stuff from our trip. maybe i'll start rethinking that subbie/slave thing again. find me some minions... something.
oh yeah.. and find me an evil henchwomen, you know what i want... good taste in leather catsuits, experience in 3rd world regimes, handy with a whip...
saw the commercials were the were advertising a vacation from your vacation. i need that. someone take me on one please! gawd... to just be away for a few days... bliss. my kid is with his dad until next week. i want a vacation with him too. one where there is no schedule, no obligations... where he can just run amok.
but back to ME... afterall, in order to take proper care of him i must take care of ME too. a stressed out mommy isn't a very good one, and i hate losing patience with my boy. it really kills me when i end up going off on him about stuff that he really just can't help.
now where was i... oh yes... a vacation for ME. yummy... so many options i would enjoy. going to a city with a theme park (preferably with another coaster freak like myself) and playing hard all day, hitting some nightspots, exploring the town, and then talking and getting the good stuff all night. maybe of course taking at least one day in the hotel room doing nothing but the good stuff...
another thing i'd love to do is go camping, maybe at a state park... fishing, boating... oh yeah... and lets not forget fucking like rabbits.
road trips are fun too... small towns, historic sites, no plan, no specific destination in mind, just enjoying the ride and the company. and other things.
the beach... just being lazy...
i like "scary" cheap run down hotels, afterall, what are you going to do in the room besides sleep and fuck?
matt had gotten his cell bill when i was on my way to texas, and he was talking about and laughing about it with me. he said he used over 3000 mobile to mobile minutes. i just looked at my bill that i will be getting soon, a total of 3091 mobile to mobile minutes used. i'm not sure if that is just mine, or me and sis, as we have a family plan. that and figure some of matt's were used talking to a buddy of his and some of mine were used talking to sis (and kevin has t-mobile too, but its not like we talk when he calls, we stay on the phone long enough to determine if we will meet up). this doesn't include the calls to/from my home phone from/to his cell after 9pm, and i lnow there has to be a FEW of them. shit we have stayed on the phone all night before...
DAYUM! that's alot of time invested in talking to a non-fuckbuddy/non-boyfrie nd.
Daily extended (by Astrology.com) When it comes to a sign as fiery, outgoing, and personable as yours, it's easy to see how staying at home might not be your favorite activity -- at least, not on a regular basis, certainly not alone, and absolutely, positively not now, when the heavens are fairly bursting with rebellious energy. So if you just can't force yourself to stay in, even if you're tired, don't. Remember -- you can always catch a power-nap tomorrow, right?
yeah i suppose i oughta update so no one thinks i am dead. i about feel dead sometimes. i am a goddess of disturbed tranquility.
we (my sister and my son) spent the past week with the genepool. i want out before i drown. the family reunion was in texas, we rode with dad. it was hell, even if he didn't have one of his typical fits where someone or something didn't get thrown and broke. between his offhand comments about my weight and the old fear of him simmering beneath the surface i started feeling like why the fuck did i go (nothing against my relatives... its just dad). it took two days to get there (it could have taken one, but he wouldn't let me or sis drive, much less his wife who is essentially a beaten lap dog). we stayed 2 days. it wasn't bad. matthew bonded with his great-great-aunt lois and my cousin chelan. its frightening just how much the whole family, including distant cousins who have never even met, act so similar. scary. is that my future? no wonder i feel kinda sick tonight. on the first day on the way back i was thinking it might be cool to at one of our stops just start walking away and not look back. silent tears played off as a headache. by that night hanging myself from the upstairs walkway of the motel we stayed at was looking pretty fucking good. but i love my kid. i wouldn't put him through the loss of his mother intentionally. even if it might be potentially a good thing in the long run.
yeah depressive shit.
but sometimes that happens.
In your presence even my shadow acquires the sensation of touch...
not much i can blog about that won't get me in trouble somehow with someone.
i'm still hanging out with matt, and we talk alot.
kevin is still around.
there are other people that i talk to, but just can't seem to get anything together with, probably due to being constantly on the phone with matt... and he calls me, its not just me calling him.
the past few days have been rough emotionally for me for whatever reason. i have nearly broke down and cried. always before, even through my divorce, even when my brother died, i have been good at containing or mitigating any emotions (both excessive highs and lows) in some way.
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
E:
Your Beauty lies in Mystery. Captivating, mysterious and alone. You are the girl in the little black number that no one seems to know, the eternal mystery girl. You make it a point to never let anyone know more about you than you want them to and do a very good job of it. You're there one minute and gone the next leaving them in wonder of who you really are. A mature and normally calm individual, quiet and enjoy spending many hours of the day on your own, most likely preferring night to day . You love the dark and some may find you a bit strange. You seem to be rather distant and cold making hard for people to get close to you, though you probably like the distance they usually keep. You probably wear make-up, but concentrate more around your eyes than anything. You know the effect you have and enjoy keeping people in wonder.
Some Things That Represent You:
Element: Dark, Water Animal: Panther Color: Black, Maroon, Dark Tones Song: In The Shadows by The Rasmus Expression: Sly Smile
Gemstone: Black Diamond Mythological Creature: Demon, Vampire Planet: Venus Hair Color: Black Eye Color: Garnet
Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.
Thus we refute entropy.
--Spider Robinson
STRESS MANAGEMENT: A VISUALIZATION
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water...
There now, feeling better?
Source: Mental Health Net
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Gustav Jung
"In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better."
Cynthia Ozick
"Being misunderstood by someone is vexation. Being misunderstood by everyone is tragedy."
