you can tell when your boss has put in WAAAAY to many hours whan she brings you the monthly drill book and asks if you can run a murdical emergency drill instead of a medical emergency one. we had one of those days where you really end up supporting euthanasia. the new guy... there isn't enough prayer in the world to give us patience with him.
i don't really have many friends, not time for them for the most part. i'm glad of the ones i have. i was chatting with one of them today about some of the shit that has been bugging me and from him actively listening and understanding (if not agreeing) i was able to sort it out somewhat. i feel a bit better now.
You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!
damn the dream i had... wow. one of those where you wake up in a sweat and wish that you still had your favorite toy in your possession to finish things off.
just spent like 130 minutes on the phone with matt... been fighting some temptation to call he who i won't name, but then found a voicemail on my phone, kinda slurred and garbled and ending with "fuck you" i'm not sure when exatly it is from, but it was enough to remind me of a few things.
i'm so damn restless tonight. it bites. i've been dissing a few other opportunities because i don't see them turning out much different than what i had going on with the fuckbuddy. sure he was great back when he was trying to get in my pants but once he was pretty assured that i was rather whipped, he became an ass and acted like all i had to do was wait around for him to call, and then he'd get bitchy if i had something else going on. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss the sex. if you read any of my old posts involving him sex was just "wow" but thats all there was after a certain point. i need more than that at this point i think.
that and to be honest, i have been dissing them to some extent out of respect, loyalty, whatever to matt. however misplaced that might be.
i have a couple soldier friends that are supposed to be coming back from iraq soon, one of which is determined that we will pick up on what we sorta started before he left. i have been giving him vague answers like "as long as we both are still single" but i'm not sure i want to. that's a month and a half away... while not long, alot can still happen.
i have some stuff i want to go into, some of which i was talking with matt about while we were on the phone... but i'm not comfortable going into it here. its got me bothered, basically one of those need to vent things where perhaps you say things you shouldn't and don't want them being hauled out to taunt you later.
in short i'm kinda aggervated that i can't find someone that i am friends with like matt, fucks me like kev, yet still cares and likes me for me and will return the loyalty and trust that i give when in a relationship... not to mention be worthy of that as well. someone who wants ME and all that sappy ass shit. someone i respect. i have run into a few like that, and have always fucked up... i would panic when i felt they were too close and start making excuses to get rid of them... i'd just feel like they wanted too much too soon. and then later when i realized what i had done it'd be too little too late.
i'm disturbed with myself because of matt too. he says he doesn't care what i do, and i believe him. date who i want to etc... daniel had given me that same type speil when he and i had the monogamy discussion... basically it added up to how i should be monogamous because i wanted to be, not because he was making me... just let him know what i had going on... honesty... all that. and thats the way i feel in any relationship... granted matt and i haven't had that discussion on any level, but i don't need it... its how i am. i didn't need it with daniel. i still fucked up with him and had sex with kevin one night when i was pissed off.
i know if i met up with someone and started a relationship with that someone, i'd be hard for me to maintain the friendship with matt on the level that i have had. that that person would be the focal point... its fucked up i know, but it makes sense. i think i saw as a quote on a bdsm orientated profile "you can not worship two masters" or something along those lines. he'd have to go. the same goes for when he finally starts dating someone. there have been other good friends that have fallen by the wayside just because i didn't feel comfortable talking to someone else's boyfriend once they were attached.
its not any jealousy/possesive issues, just to me the way things should be. i know that i would be a bit leary of a guy that had some other chic calling all the time that was "just a friend" that he used to have some adult playtime with. there are exceptions i know, and i do believe that opposite sexes can maintain purely platonic relationships... but anything giving the appearence where something could be brought into question shouldn't happen, but unfortunately does even in the purest of friendships... therefore i just feel it best to steer clear of attached people of the opposite sex.
i always let kev know what i have had going on whether he liked it or not as well. i remember once kev had asked me if i had gotten some "strange" and i answered back "what makes you think YOU aren't the strange?" i went home looking like i had been raped that night. at least my damn clothes were intact that time though.
heh. where was i? what was my point? did i have one?
oh yes, here i go blogging instead of doing what i know i ought to be doing...
i feel the need to brag on what a smart kid i have. or at least i think he is. everynight we read stories and/or do word puzzles or color or something "quiet" to wind down. as of late it has been puzzles, especially the framework ones. i gotta say his penmanship is "slow torture." he makes nearly every letter differently than i had been taught. for instance when making the letter "O" starts at the bottom of the letter, the 6 o'clock position, coming clockwise around. all backassward. doing the puzzles with him also lets me see how different his thought process is from mine, and how independant he is getting. for instance, last night i was showing him how he could figure out which word went in a certain spot by eliminating the other possibilities by what letters were shared... if you work those puzzles you know what i mean... well he spies something i had overlooked, only one 8-letter word left and jumps on it... "hey wait what'cha doing?" then i see... "wow, i didn't even think of that!" he looked so pleased that he got to show MOMMY something. one of the ones tonight though... two 5 letters ending in "Y" which of course was the only letter given in the puzzle. he had to use "mommy's logic" to work that one out... matching which 5 letter had a 6 letter that started with the same letter.
he has such a hard time holding still! we were laying on our stomachs on my bed looking down at the magazine. his leg at a constant "thunk.... thunk....". perpetual motion machine. that's ok. my toes were going too.
maybe i need adderall too? then i'd have the attention span to clean the house. there has been several times i have gone into the kitchen, started something, then found myself kinda going in circles clueless as to what i had intended to be doing. hell i do that on here. why did i go online again?
i am so damn tired! i had been coughing all day, i think i need to change the heater filter. i had gotten ready to go to the funeral, and was waiting to hear back from my stepmom about watching the vermicious knid before asking my neighbors. took that damn cough syrup, as i was coughing to the point of seeing stars. oxygen in the lungs is a GOOD thing. anyway, i was going to lay down for about an hour... i had time. i woke up when matthew mine came busting in the door asking if he can play outside.
before he went, we talked about his week at school etc, and the letter from the teacher (disciplinary note). he says he was upset because the other kids say his head isn't round enough. this is what i hate about him being on the meds. he becomes very self-critical.
he's back in, with reinforcements (the neighbor's kids)... playing halo. maybe i can make them all clean the house?
i need to apologize to jeremy for not showing up when i said i would. i feel like a bad friend.
yeah, part's my fault. i stayed up too late. but should i be able to here the frickin' tv in my damn bathroom... 3 rooms away? i know she doesn't need the damn thing that loud. and its like she was waiting for me to get up too. as soon as i did she turns it off all smug and then says she's going into savannah... no its none of my business where she is going and who with... not that i think it is. but when i go somewhere.. oh i 'm going to go see kev... i'm going to matt's... going to the mall... whatever. sisters are overrated.
i love blog things, quizzes, the like... what to do with them all though? i suppose give them their own entry and create a link.
You Are Lemon Meringue Pie
You're the perfect combo of sassy and sweet Those who like you have well refined tastes
Nihilist Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.
You're a very confident and passionate person... You are a warrior and will fight for those you love...
Animagi form: Phoenix Most compatible with: Air Least compatible with: Water Song: Angel - Aerosmith Ruling God: Ares
Are you an Obscure or Dominant Element?? {Great pics} brought to you by Quizilla Your element is moonlight. You have an interest in magic and the occultm most likely. people don't really know you all too well, you keep to yourself and are a mystery even to yourself sometimes.
I am never satisfied. I spend most of the time getting some or figuring out how to get some. It's why we were put here. Something that feels that good should done often and for long periods of time.
it felt good to go to sleep last night and to wake up in my own bed this morning. not that i didn't like sleeping in matt's bed the previous two nights. even though i am not one to cuddle... yeah being next to him was nice... he's warm and strong and smells good... and being next to him and his exFB the night before was surprisingly comfortable as well even if she did get up at 6:30 am. and she complained about me snoring. funny she mentions that my snoring woke her up, but she said nothing of me and matt making out in the bed beside her while she was sleeping? we did at least take that in the living room when it got a bit loud and we were afraid we'd wake her up (she's in college and had a class the next day, we figured she needed the sleep).
funny thing about her, she doesn't worry me. being around chics usually makes me feel a bit like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs... one wrong move and you are screwed. but she seems ok with me. of course on that top 100 things ryan read me one of the things was that a desperate jealous chic will do anything to keep a man, including anal and threesomes. but hell, i do fucked up shit because i WANT to and i have an insatiable curiousity... i'm insatiable when it comes to alot of things. i'll give until they are done taking and take until they have nothing left to give. but back to her, on the one hand there is the guy that she had been dating that she is infatuated with, on the other she likes telling me about her and matt's history and tries to bust him out about stuff i already know. and even if i didn't know it already i doubt it would worry me much considering that as much as he and i talk. i think he worked up on his bill that we spent damn near 6000 minutes talking, and that doesn't include our chatting online... and the lines of communication are not onesided. sis made a jab at me when my cell started ringing last night and i was like "fuck that's gotta be the 6th time that he's called today" and she was all "well you're his best friend." i think she was stunned when instead of the usual jen-ish remark, i said "you know, you're right. and i think he's probably my best friend too at this point." it shut her up. although i did clear it up with her that it wasn't matt calling me while i ignored the phone, but two other guys i normally talk to and just didn't feel like conversing with had called. one i feel like the dude's therapist... and the other... well he'd suck cock for me and its been awhile since he and i played a rousing game of "yes, Mistress."
i was so whipped though. beat even. i think matt called last night and i talked to him while he was on his break at work. i think kev calling was part of a dream. i don't know. called ID is messed up on my phone so i can't look back in the call log. i need to call alltell and get it fixed.
kev had called when i was at matt's at 4:00am sunday morning. i was half asleep when i answered... he asked me what i was doing (i answered "sleeping") then he asked me to come over (i said "that would be awefully rude") why is that? he wanted to know ("well considering i am sleeping next to matt" i responded). "oh" he says and hung up. no bitching, no insisting i come over anyway. none of his usual responses. just "oh" and then silence. weird. of course my pulse rate had skyrocketed when he called, and like matt's exFB had needlessly pointed out whne i told her about about the night before when i was at matt's and kev calling and all that, of course it would due to our history of all the freaky shit he and i have done. the response doesn't go away over night.
damn i was crappy feeling tired last night. maybe i need to take a different vitamin? i turned down every single opportunity to go out or do anything. even when matt called me when he got off work... i was so far out of it i have no clue what we talked about. i'm surprised i remembered he called.
my excuse of the night was "i need to shave my legs."
matt called back about the time i woke up this morning. i need to clean the house and get ready for thanksgiving, but no.. i am sitting on my ass playing literati with him online.
ever have anyone who literally makes you physically sick? my ex does that to me. funny, in the last couple years i was married to him i had several emergency room visits... for instance once they kept me for several hours pumping me full of IV's because i was so dehydrated to the point of nearly needing hospitalized. another time it was vertigo... is it a coincidence that i developed cancer not too long after i found out about the 1st time he got caught cheating on me? probably. but i think right now i'll blame him anyway.
whenever i have dealings with him... even if its just over the phone... headaches, nausea... feelings i could do harm to myself and others. i won't of course. but i FEEL like i COULD. that and just wanting to run away, slink into the ground, go live in a cave... never speak to anyone again ever. how can one person so shake your faith in humanity?
it was worse when we first were getting divorced, when he would call constantly and alternate between cussing me out and hanging up, telling me what I need to do with my life, and making his various threats... how can you say such hurtful things to someone? being told that i was nothing but a "dumb cunt" and of course a bitch. always a bitch. i don't want to go back to that. i don't want to have to go back to taping phone calls. i don't want to go back to feeling like i am going to pass out everytime the phone rings.
and i don't want to ever get to the point where anyone else has that effect on me.
matt wants a list. its none of his business really, but he wants one nonetheless. probably because he knows i don't really want to think about it. that and really what difference does it make? if i have any germs he's got them already and besides at my last doc's app't no germs were noted. i guess its the point though? hell. ryan was picking on me about a list too. see, in the article he read about "the top 100 things you need to know about women" it said that if she says 6, assume 12. which might be true for some... but does that mean if i say 12 he should assume 24? is it 24? i guess i need to make that list. i don't really understand the fixation on past liasions, i really don't. oh well. i guess it doesn't hurt to go ahead and make one.
that when you have the fly swatter in hand you can never find the fly that was so annoying just a moment ago? you can hear it buzzing, crashing into windows... maybe even catch a glimpse of it darting across the room... but will it land in a spot where you can whack the sonofabitch? hell no!
i'm ready for the week, i think. i wish my child support would hurry up and show up in my checking account. its so fustrating! at least i'm eventually getting it now, unlike before it was being garnished from my ex's wages. i need to get some bills paid... the utilities, important stuff. that and my lil' guy is in desperate need of some new clothes. his legs have gotten a bit long for his size 6 jeans and many of them have holes either in the butt or knees. geeze, and i just bought him those a few months ago at the beginning of the school year! another pressing issue is getting crash's balls lopped off. and deathcat's.
i need to start planning what to do for thanksgiving. i rather NOT go to elizabeth's. we did that last year. i am more comfortable when i am in control of things (imagine that! jen with control issues? NO!). also at this point its kinda assumed matt will be over. maybe. i need to clean the house. with gasoline and matches (insert beavis and butthead "fire! hehehhehe fire! fire!" here).
ohhhh and now matt is saying something about being naked (we're chatting on yahoo). let me pay attention to that.
i'm cranky, thirsty, tired, dizzy, and feel like i need a shower. i made my kid redo his homework like 4 times. and now he's ignoring me on doing some housework. this isn't my mess in the living room. and that isn't my mess in his room. granted my room is a mess... bleh. i wanna not cook supper. my head hurts.
If you want cock worship from me, you'd better be able to show me the second coming!
i spent the night at matt's last night so i could help him move this morning, all the way from "B" building to "I" building. also we were supposed to get drunk and watch movies. he thought everything i brought over sucked. he sucks. what's wrong with "the dead" in all its variations... dawn of the dead, shaun of the dead, land of the dead? and of course fight club. and orgazmo (thanks again sean for that one, love ya!). i also had some of john carpenter's flicks... it was halloween after all! matt was all but knocked out when i got there, in "quiet mode" and channel flipping. and i, like my kid, am a perpetual motion machine. my attention span doesn't cover being still and channel surfing. not that there is anything WRONG with channel surfing if i have a suitable distraction...
which i suppose matt sorta provided a bit. I was being a GOOD girl. HE started it. and the damn SOB didn't finish it. pissed me off nearly to the point of tears. distracted myself with a video game on my phone, then american psycho came on. i love that movie. i need to buy it eventually. i think sis likes it too. but back to the point... although distracted, i was still miffed. he was lying on the couch (i had been earlier, but decided it was trying to eat me... that and it smells a bit like stale doritos or something) and i was sitting on the floor (after having been laying on it a bit before with something shoved somewhere... ok yeah i admit i liked it, but i want MINE damnit!). but being still a bit stirred up i decided i wanted to change my proximity to him and went to his room and took over his bed. figured each of us stood a better chance of sleeping that way too.
it was funny though... sleep was not immeadiately forthcoming for me. as i lie there awake listening to the tv in the living room and matt stirring i thought about it... what was missing to get to sleep was talking to him. generally we stay on the phone at night until i am absolutely falling asleep... there has been a time or two that i have woke up in the night wondering if i hung up with him. odd, huh?
got up in the morning and we got our ducks in a row... ran some errands, stopping by his work and a few other things and then began the task of moving his stuff. i tell ya, i'm kinda happy we didn't have to move it all the way to my place (that had been one of the options he considered when he decided to get rid of the roommate from hell). we got all the heavy stuff moved, and then i kinda became a lazy ass... wrong shoes. blisters. ouch. no where near the ouch matt must be feeling right now at work i'm sure. so anyway, one of the things he had (that he swears he really hasn't looked at...) is a joy of sex book, from back in the 70's that he got outta his parents garage when ages ago. i had to laugh... perhaps this is the book that helped conceive him? some of the stuff in there was hilarious. i have some new "hippie" insults from it. and the illustrations.. the men and women had the same hair styles just about... i wonder how many times those pics were jacked off to?
Something ripped a vein I drive myself insane Kiss my ass good-bye Flush it down the drain I'll make it fit Mental masturbation, I think it's time to use my fist I got lost in all the hustle Forgot to build a muscle A boogie shooter in the gig near Russell I don't give a shit Mental masturbation, I think it's time to use my fist Come on boys Well my baby's come undone Now she ain't no fun The bitch has got my candy But won't give me none Ain't that some shit Mental masturbation, I think it's time to use my fist Mental masturbation, I think it's time to use my fist Mental masturbation, I think it's time to use my fist
yeah matt, thats for you. i have a song stuck in my head. granted i do like this song... but still... its STUCK!!!
This one goes out to that special someone in my life We all have someone special, this is for them I like ice cream, cherry pie and lemonade with summer breeze I like rainbows, leafy trails, and puppy dogs with bumble bees I like cotton candy candy gum, and bumber cars, and carnivals Golden skys, and hazle eyes, and sand in between my toes, but Something tells me that I hate you Something tells me I must kill you You ain't shit but a slutty ass mother fucker Slut you fucking whore, I fucking hate you I like birthday candle cakes, and titty shakes with silicone Secret whispers, and D-Loc's sister, and apple dips, and gingerbread homes Faygo chills they give me thrills, and nyquil pills they make me smile Hershey kisses, and happiness is something so bliss and yet all the while Something tells me that I hate you Something tells me I must kill you Suck my fuckin dick fuck off Go fuck you self you funky as beeatch Come on, come on (bitch) Come on, come on (bitch) I fuckin hate you Come on, come on (bitch) Come on, come on (bitch) If I was you I'd slap that bitces nipples shut I like Shaggy, he's my friend I like his mom cause she's nice to me Thank you J, I like you too, well its ok, were family Raver chicks, and kung-fu flicks, and sugar sticks like lolly-pops All of these things happiness brings But my hatred for you dont stop bitch Something tells me that I hate you Something tells me I must kill you
Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.
Thus we refute entropy.
--Spider Robinson
STRESS MANAGEMENT: A VISUALIZATION
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water...
There now, feeling better?
Source: Mental Health Net
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Gustav Jung
"In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better."
Cynthia Ozick
"Being misunderstood by someone is vexation. Being misunderstood by everyone is tragedy."
