Neko

One imagines the birth of happiness to be accompanied by some great spectacular upheaval. One can imagine it flowering in the most luxurious setting. Yet happiness is born of a trifle, feeds on nothing...

i'm still smarting after the way that my ex ma in law was with me when i took matthew to his doctor appointment. what if he starts believing that everything is my fault? his grandma would have him doing so. once his dad is married i'm sure it'll just be a matter of time before she starts pushing him taking me back to court for custody or something. when we were in the store matthew wouldn't even walk with me and hold my hand like he usually does. he stayed with her.

my own kid doesn't even prefer my company. what does that say about me?

i have no fucking respect from anyone.

i'm sick of trying.

i've never been one to express any weakness, to cry... even when alone. but it seeming like i need to get used to being alone or just accept the fact that i will always be in "one sided" relationships. the fuckbuddy. the back up plan. where i give all to who i am seeing but they give nothing to me. all things to you, nothing to you. and doing that doesn't look good to others. it sets a bad example for my son.

have you ever just prayed for a car wreck? something that just lets you off the hook for life. a way to end things where it is not your fault?

the woman across the street who was killed when her car was rear ended by a truck... i envy her sometimes.

i just hope she remembered to tell her kids she loved them.

i have never pulled the psychobitch thing before. i am thinking it might be fun to try.

took matthew to his Dr app't. my ex ma in law insisted on going too... just to undermine everything i said it seems. matthew also ended up going home with her so he could play with his cousin.

i'm surpised that she hasn't tried pulling the custody fits that she did on her other grandkids when their parents divorced.

i really wish i wasn't alone right now. i don't really feel like talking, but just to have someone else near... well it would help.

perhaps i'd feel less self destructive.

wasted more of my life on hold... never got through. not even to a machine.

i feel defeated...

not just with them, but with everything.

i give.

but i will smile and pretend until i believe i care again.

mmm... lightening... sporatics burts of rain... thunder... i want to be out there in it... i want someone to be with in some deserted spot while it rains on us... outside up against the truck... wind whipping through us... the pure passion.

i feel like crying.

maybe i'll go out by myself...

remembering.

does anyone feel for me?

will i be remembered?

tomorrow will be a year of blogging here, writing about everything from the sluticious activities i have engaged in to the mommy stuff to the work junk and ex issues and just plain ramblings of a busy but bored mind. matt has only been blogging on here a couple months or so... since he got access to my blog. and now that he is unable to, i kinda miss him here. i mean hell, we are still on the phone off and on, and what do you know... he's calling now...

anyway, it just seems a bit like something is missing here now.

i know, i'm weird.

fuck all this to hell. i'm ready to just build a big damn bonfire with all this christmas shit and then maybe spend a few days curled up in a hole somewhere.

its kevin's birthday today too.

matt's supposed to be coming over here but i don't know what the fuck he actually wants to be doing. lately i have felt like i oughta pick a fight and run him off or something. not because really i want to run him off. maybe its the whole get rid of the guy before you get attached and he can hurt you thing? i don't know.

i want so bad just to have my kid here. instead me and my ex are doing this damn juggling act with the poor baby. my ex knew it was my year to have him from 12 noon on christmas through new years. when are all their big plans? in the afternoon/evening. but of course they want him there for his sister's 1st christmas... and i want him to have that too. i don't mind splitting the day up so much, but they seem to think that i will be doing all the transporting and running around getting him where he needs to be.

i'm also wondering just where i got so oh hell i don't know.. maybe i'm depressed? at some point i ceased to give a shit about the house and stuff. i'm slacking at my job... just doing what i need to do to get by in all aspects of my life.

pj is asking me to come over, she says she'll buy a bottle of something good and we'll just go for what we know... and by dinnertime we really just won't give a shit. i'm afraid of me drunk though. its why i stay sober.

i got off early tonight. of course it means going in early tomorrow but oh well.

i've been cranky. bitchy even. cuss ya as soon as look at ya.

i got my subpeona today.

i needed to take a long shower and relax.

what's the best way to relax? well maybe its not THE best... but it'd do until i could get something better.

i'm naked... combing out my hair before i get in the shower... phone rings, the water's not running yet. i go ahead and answer.

funny how he usually has to go when i start talking about how awesome matt is and all that... especially when i mention how much i like "playing" with him... however, talking to this guy isn't a turn-on. i want matt.

strike one against what i wanted to do.

then the frog. the frog being there is bad enough. the potential for him jumping on me and where he might jump while i am doing something where i am pretty distracted freaks me out a bit. not to mention the just "watching." but i'm getting worried about him. lately he stays where i can reach him, but what to do with him? its too cold outside now. i also noticed he kept "yawning" and stuff and seemed to be having a time of it balancing on his little ledge at the top of the shower stall. he must be starving to death. there are no bugs in the house. i seldom even get the random housefly in here. its surprising considering what a disaster area the place is. maybe bugs are too afraid of getting lost in here or something. the only bug problem we seem to ever have is fire ants from time to time. fuck i hate fire ants.

i'm having nightmares tonight. i did last night. and i will again tonight.

hellfire and damnation.

i just read my horoscope and it was basically telling me to "play nice." the final words of it were "be kind."

we'll see.

i gotta go to court next month because the state picked up the assault charges.

i seriously need to get the deathcat's and crash's balls lopped off. deathcat seems to think that he is the BOSS. he was reprimanding matthew this morning, not to mention nagging the hell out of me. he wouldn't let matthew near the cat food to do his morning chores of feeding the cats and dog. when matthew would approach the bag, the cat would cut his off and give an irritated kitty snarl and take a swat and nip at the kid's feet.

and crash... crash and those popped chains. i mean if he is busting loose just so he can come inside and hang with the humans, what's he going to do when some bitch goes into heat? will i find him before animal control is called? maybe having his balls lopped off will make him lazy too. i can barely walk him. he just drags the kid.

i need to do a few things before going to work. step away from the computer jen...

matthew had gotten up a bit ago, and i got him resettled but still was on the phone with matt. matt had to go and as i was hanging up the phone matthew says "goodnight matt"  i told matthew it was too late, i'd hung up and jokingly asked if i needed to call him right back so he could tell him. he said no because matt might be mad at him. he was genuinely concerned that he would be. its funny.. he never even asks who i'm on the phone with much anymore.

my kid is still feeling sick... coughing. at least i have insurance for him now... my ex never did come through. he did however give me the payment THIS TIME. the poor baby though... he woke up this morning at about 830am... "hey mom! its sunny!" but was back in bed of his own free will before 1030am. i got home from work around 830pm, at 845 he was ready to go to sleep... "mom... are you ready for me to go to bed now?" i reminded him that he could stay up if he wanted so he says that'd he stay up if i wanted him to... i read him some of the story we're working on and he crashed. before bed we discussed christmas... it falls on his dad's weekend and it's his dad's year to have him on the days up until christmas. i figure he might like him there that morning with the new sister and all, but my ex said it didn't matter to him. we're supposed to split the day at noon, and i think i'd rather have him here in the afternoon and days after... especially as matt is giving him that bike and all. he's not going to be happy leaving that. i'm sure he'll be getting some dandy gifts from his dad and all... but this is HOME he can play outside here...

lots of potential plans... we'll see what happens.

a friend of mine just gave me the link to claus.com http://www.claus.com/index.php" title="http://www.claus.com/index.php" target="_blank"http://www.claus.com/index.ph... i can find out if i have been naughty or nice... OMG i just took it.. he really does know! "neatness needs improvement" its me... it really is!

jennifer
Nice, but has naughty lapses. High marks in the good deeds department. Better than average manners. Hopefully, thoughtfulness will continue to be as good as last month. Neatness needs improvement!

my arnie cat :)

this guy is so lazy! if i didn't kick him off my bed he'd have been there when matthew and i got home from matt's last night like 10 hours later. he is inertia personified... err...catified? maybe felinified? something like that. i wish i had a pic of him trying to catch the birds at the bird feeder. hilarious! ever see that "fat cat tipping" poster thats been around for awhile? granted he has lost weight since sis banished the cats from the house but he's still no lightweight. i like my buddy cat. he actually died when he was about a year old from that urinary tract thing male cats get, but they brought him back. i found him in 1993 i think? outside a chinese restaurant... such a tiny lil' cute tbby kitty, not even big enough to be away from his mommy. but anyway... had to throw out the tease with the title of the pic and all that. i think we're gonna try to do the christmas lights thing tonight since its not raining. time to get ready to go.

yesterday me and my kid had a "pretty cool" in his words day. we slacked off all morning despite my wanting to get the house cleaned up. he vegged with his xbox while i chatted online with pj and on the phone with matt. she was all about me getting back in touch with as she put it "that country boy that always shot off before y'all would get started good" and asking me what ever happened to him. i told her quite honestly i didn't really know. "so you just dissed him?" well, yeah, i guess i did... then she proceded to tell me i should diss matt as well and began going off on what bastards men are... which is an easy trap to fall into sometimes. i had busted out laughing when she had asked about kenny, the way she had asked. of course matt wanted to know what was funny and i explained it to him. he responded with one of those things like with that video chic that just makes me smile and remember just who i like right now and why. when pj was on he man hating kick the other day she had said of the guy that she was thinking she is/was in love with "i would do anything for him.... the only reason i am not is that .... he wont do anything for me in return... i am a toy." how easy is it to blindly agree with that statement? i almost did. but then i thought about it. someone freezing his ass off at the fair. someone who woulda drove his ass out to the middle of nowhere when my truck broke if i didn't have a ride... other things that i can't think of right now because matthew and jeremy keep derailing my train of thought. maybe i'm too easily impressed by stuff like that. but what good are flowers and all that romantic BS if the person is never there? matt and i may not be "romantically" involved.. but he is there. and i like that.

anyway, matthew and i got our ducks in a row and left to see a movie. he wanted to see chicken little but i had gotten fustrated with traffic and pulled into the theaters right when we hit savannah rather than going to the ones past yet another mall to get to the one where i knew what times the movies started at. we ended up seeing aeon flux, which i kinda liked. yeah they could have done better... but it was alright. chicken little was started a few minutes after that one let out, but he was acting kinda cranky and almost had a meltdown when i suggested we stay for it. we went to media play for awhile (they are closing that store... SALES!) and knocked out 78% of our christmas shopping. we went to matt's chilled a few... and then went back. then we went to wher emy stepbro works for dinner. i noticed matthew had started running a fever on the way there and medicated him. then started wondering if maybe i should have left him feeling sick. they had a fireplace in there going and jason and matthew kept playing with it. and then began the "let's see how red we can make jen" game... which was also i think a fishing expedition on my bro's part to see if i'm fucking matt or not. jason was explaining to matthew on keeping the fire going and matthew says "so when you poke it it gets hotter?" and it just cracked me up. matt had stepped out for a smoke and missed it. but thats ok. he was filled in. after eating we went back to his place and hung out, watched "a christmas story" which matthew liked considerably better than aeon flux.

and being that close to matt with my kid there was TORTURE. i wanted oh GAWD i wanted... and when my kid fell  asleep. well matt is a "good boy" even if i was willing to compromise. i started to fall asleep over there myself, but as i was dozing remembered sis had jeremy at the house and i needed to be there when she left for work.

matthew had a minor meltdown being woke up. its amazing what a horrible foe a shoe can be when a kid is comfortable where he is at and doesn't want to move.

and that brings us to this morning... kids playing. me vegging. dog barking. cats nagging...

quiet morning.

well the new med didn't kill me.. such a dissapointment to a few people i know. and i feel no worse for the wear this morning. kinda dreading taking it tonight but at least i know what to expect.

kiddo is cleaning out the truck. scary. he got up bright and early and shook me awake "hey mom, its morning!" like he was was surprised it actually came. he was talking to himself A LOT last night. i wonder what's up with him. he denies dreaming about anything. he actually ate breakfast this morning too. who can pass up breakfast quesadilla things though? i should have used some of the "instead of eggs" stuff instead of the real ones. oh well. he was wanting some of his cristmas candy before breakfast and i told him he could have some after he ate... apparently he took it as "all the candy you want" after he finished breakfat. if he eats it all today then i don't have to deal with it tomorrow, right?

time to go christmas shopping. yay.

then a movie maybe.

and his belated birthday dinner. he's torn between hooter's and spanky's. he is stil holding a grudge against the hooter's girls for making him stand on a chair and do that chicken dance thing the last time he went there... i think when he turned 4. i have to write about when i took my nephew there... later.

then we are going to go look at christmas lights... pending on the weather.

fun fun.

i've been trying not to let people stress me today. it seems most of my friends that i have talked to have drama in some form or another plaguing them. as if i don't have enough of my own. i'm trying not to let that damn BS get to me, but i have to admit i have been just tense or something today... like i am waiting for something to happen. raw nerves. the "friend" of mine that has the hot girlfriend that i had been chatting with messaged... informing me that he was single now. i hadn't spoke to him since he gave me her screen name, and haven't chatted with her for around a week or two. i'm tempted to message her and find out her side of the story, but i am thinking i'd be better off staying out of it and avoiding him. the friend i have been kinda avoiding caught up with me... i avoided screaming "i told you so" at her. and another friend's ex-roommate showed up on his doorstep and cussed him. i always thought the guy was kinda psycho.

i really wish i wasn't home alone right now. well matthew's here but that's not the point. the doc had given me some new meds... samples. i was feeling shitty before i took 'em. puking even. fucking stress. even matthew has seemed a bit low today, not interested in doing much else but play his video games. at about 9pm he turned everything off and got ready for bed and asked for his stories. we got through owl moon and that was it. anyway, a side effect of the med is "flushing." a little bit ago i felt like i had needles trying to escape out from under my skin everywhere.. the inside of my mouth felt blistered almost. fuck. i don't like this. doc had said that my body will adjust and i won't have that reaction anymore after awhile. but shit. ick. it went away a bit when i took a cold cloth to my face and all but still it would be nice if i wasn't alone so that if i have an allergic reaction someone could get help.

i'm tired. i'm going to bed.

editted...

be afraid.. i'm dying my hair again. it SHOULD come out somewhere near my natural color, minus the summer sunburn it usually gets (see the pic i have posted somewhere). i had dyed it black over a year ago, stipped it a few months ago and tryed to turn it back brown. it didn't quite do that. the crazies liked it though and we fussing at me to turn it back reddish because my brown roots were showing. hopefully it should all be brown in about 20 minutes. hopefully. or it could all fall out. i've been bald before. chemo sucks.

matt had said the guy that he works with that introduced us said something to him about finding his blog and how he used to think that matt was a good guy but doesn't now or something. this guy already read mine, i don't know how often as of late, and used to post comments here sometimes. after me and matt became friends he doesn't want to be our friend anymore apparently. granted matt tends to keep a "professional distance" from co workers, but still... i tried being the guy's friend, sis tried being his friend. he decided he hates us or something now. i don't know. matt had suggested that he might have been the one who assassinated our blogs, but i don't know... the shit i got via tmail seemed a bit too personal for that. people suck sometimes. especially those who meddle. i mean, hell... if anything the result that damn shit might have is make me too scared to date anyone or something for fear its the moron fucking with me. so much for them making me get rid of matt huh? not that he and i are dating. and ouch.. i just had one of those mental twinges where there was something i really wanted to write but didn't want to bust on anyone or put something in that might be misconstrued. heh. i'll avoid putting it here, but those that know the situations are welcome to tmail me if they feel the need to put in a few cents worth.

and about 10 minutes left until i hopefully have brown hair again. YAY.

time to play text twist or something a few.

update: my hair is indeed brown, a nice dark pretty brown. i feel kinda weird because it lacks the red highlights usually sunburned into it but i am guessing the dye will fade a bit and i'll get used to it.

a friend of mine sent me this link... http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html" title="http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html" target="_blank"http://www.illwillpress.com/x...

heh. i'm easily amused.

i had just finished my last post, and was thinking on how i wanted to waste the evening as i had napped away a good bit of the afternoon. i kept hearing a diesel motor outside, figured it was at my neighbors... even though crash was having fits.

then i hear someone coming up my porch... i get up to see whats going on, opening the door as this chic is knocking on it.

"is keith here?"

no keiths, don't know any.

"i can get my truck to work, can you help me?" in this little girl lost and helpless voice... i deny knowing anything about trucks, and she is determined to get me to come to her truck.

don't we hear about abductions happening like this?

i proceed with caution. iexplaining i am going next door, jessie maybe can help. some things are better left to men.

jessie isn't home and i chat with his wife a few, explaining the situation. in the meantime drunk chic goes walking down the road. my neighbor says that the house the woman is looking for is across the street and over two from me.

i wonder if i should go chase down the chic and help her, but apparently the guy she is looking for isn't home anyway... and that is his truck that she was driving.

the chic comes back, enlists the aid of the neighbors on the other side of me... they leave and go inside. i didn't see what exactly went on as i was still next door on the other side.

chic is standing on my porch, i walk back. she peers at me, "do you live here?"

i invite her in, she's on her cell talking to the guy she was looking for. he is driving by... passes the driveway, starts to back up but a car was behind him.

a cop car.

it sgines its floodlight on the "broke down" truck in my driveway. i walk out. the chic stays put.

the officer asks me about the truck, says he had a call about a drunk chic. i tell him said chic is sitting in my livingroom, and he is welcome to go inside.

he asks her a few questions... she is on the defensive, and saying the wrong types of things.

i stay out of it.

officer steps outside, he doesn't want to "work" any more than the rest of us.. figures she is just trying to get across the street, i say i'll walk her home and the truck can stay there until morning.

he gets in his car, and backs out of the drive way... square into the center of the ditch. his undercarriage is resting on the drive way and his wheels are in the air over the culvert.

chic has come back with the guy (who had apparently decided to not pull in when he saw the cop car... and hadn't mustered the courage to come over and check out why it was here... and this is supposedly his wife stuck at my house???).

but this... this is different. a car stuck in a ditch.

hell with the possibly arrested wife or what have you.... rednecks live for this shit.

i retreat back to my neighbors. give her the run down on whats been going on. her hubby and kids get home and have to go check it out... cars are passing by to check out the cop car stuck in the ditch.

live entertainment in the country.

so drunk chic's hubby goes and gets a tow chain from somewhere, and proceeds to pull out the cop car.

drunk chic wants to be my friend.

everyone is standing in my driveway like they are at a social.

hey y'all... watch this!

i'm terrible at telling jokes. i forget half of the stuff leading up to the punch line. i guess i kinda am impatient and just want to skip tp the good part, forgetting that the build up to it is the main thing that makes it so so good. and yes, thats one of those little insights into my personality... patience is not one of my virtues.

but back to the joke:

two young women were away at college, assigned as dorm mates. they began a conversation, getting to know each other. eventually they started to talk about their fathers... what they did for a living... things along those linesas it turned out, while both had rather well off back grounds, one had been a bit more "spoiled" than the other. as the 1st girl rambled on and on about all the wonderful things her dad had bought for her the second girl would give her the brightest, biggest smile and say in her sweetest southern drawl "that's nice..." realizing at last that her new roommate wasn't talking much, the 1st girl paused and asked "so what has your daddy done for you?" the second girl smiled once again and cheerfully replied "well my daddy sent me to finishing school..." "finishing school? why? thats it?" the 1st girl interrupted... to which the other one replied "well yes... finishing school was great. they taught me to say 'that's nice...' instead of 'fuck you!'"

anyway this is one that my stepmom had emailed under the subject "remember your daddy sent you to finishing school" to me back when i was getting divorced and it stuck... a situational type thing i guess because i so badly wanted to just scream "fuck you!" at people so much... but i wasn't brought up that way. we are far more sneaky than that.

so in reply to whoever has been assainating my blog, and matt's as well, i'm going to just say "that's nice..." and resist the urge to be drawn into a fight on here, i won't even bother to question your motives.

incidently, as i suck so bad at telling jokes i had searched for this one and the closest my attention span allowed me to find was this:

These two Southern Belles met at a class reunion.  The first was telling
the second how wonderful her husband is:

First:  "My husband so sweet, when he proposed to me, he gave me this 5 karat diamond ring."
Second: Replies, "Well isn't that nice."
First:  "And when we got married, he took me on a wonderful 3 week Caribbean cruise."
Second: Replies, "Well isn't that nice."
First:  "And for Christmas he bought me a beautiful $20,000 mink coat."
Second: "Well isn't that nice."
First:  "And for our first wedding anniversary, he bought me a brand new Mercedes Benz with all the options available."
Second: "Well isn't that nice."
First:  "But enough about my husband.  What has your husband done for you?"
Second: "Well my husband isn't as wealthy as yours, but he did one nice thing for me.  He sent me to finishing school."
First:  "Finishing school... why finishing school?"
Second: "Well I used to have this bad habit of saying 'Fuck You', but they taught me instead to say, 'Well isn't that nice.'"

WE INTERUPT THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED ENTRY OF SEX, LUST, AND PERVERSION TO BRING YOU THIS UPDATE...

PEEPING TOM THE SHOWER FROG IS STILL ALIVE!!!

yes the frog that freaked me out by jumping on me in the shower is still there. i don't remember how long ago he infiltrated the house, but he has been living in the shower and eluding capture for all this time. he appears healthy... but how long can a tree frog live in the house?

yay christmas party... can't say i was planning on actually going, was just going to send the kid but i ended up staying. liz needed me to watch her kids as my future ex brother in law was awol. so her kids got to go to even though she hates our dad. the highlight of the party was dad and several others dressed as reindeer dancing to "rudolph the red-nosed reindeer." my dad was rudolph, leading the herd. was this is probably a source of a few of my many disfunctions. later i was encouraging the kids to ask santa for deathstars, storm troopers, minions, control of the universe... and yes, i got told to hush by santa. but hey... i figured the fat guy wasn't bringing me anything so i'd get the kids to help. and no... none of them did. katie wants a pony, jeremy wants harry potter books, and my kid said he didn't know what he wanted. i figured it's have been transformers. he'll be thrilled with what matt got him. my kid is pretty easy to please. he'd actually be happy to get anything... even just socks.

my ex picked matthew up from the party, matthew was all geeked up because he wanted to show off his baby sister to his cousins and friends. it was funny, he and patrick (who has a sibling on the way) were bolting from door to door of the church looking for his dad to pull up. his dad had got out of the car coming around to the front door and just missed matthew coming out the side... pack of friends in tow who pretty much mauled lynn and the baby. i suggested she might as well come in for a minute. i introduced her to my stepmom... and of course stepmom had to do the whole round of introductions that she had been subjecting me to all night to all the church members. i wonder if i am ex-communicated yet? it was funny... when one of her friends realized matthew was my kid, samantha is lynn's kid, and samantha and matthew are siblings the woman was all "well thats awefully mormon" or something like that. have i mentioned dad is mormon? go on... roll with the mormon jokes. maybe this is also why i think that polyamory can work (although the church does not condone that practice, contrary to popular belief).

anyway, now i'm stuck here once again with my niece and nephew. yay. they've been decorating the christmas tree and now jeremy is sitting with the gameboy, and katie is doing what i had done so so many times in the past and sitting by the tree playing with the ornaments, singing, and making up stories about them.

kids are fun. and i actually do mean that.

oh and yeah.. dad... rudolph... grandma got RUN OVER by a reindeer... yeah i'm sick. my stepmom laughed her ass off when i went there though. she got it.

oh and my ex had made a point of saying he had talked to my step brother. seemed awfully smug about it, for some reason i think matt might have been a topic of the conversation. i didn't give my ex the luxury of conversation with me though. i got better things to do.

incidently, the reindeer costumes consisted of felt antlers, contruction paper eyebrows, brown lunch bags on the hands as hooves, black trash bags over the clothes, and lots of tinsel and jingle bells. dad's idea i'm sure.

i've got like 5 guys messaging for no other purpose than to try and fuck me.

i have had 3 different guys bring up the topic of marrying me since i ended my 12 year marriage to the man that i had been with since about my 17th birthday... one that turned out to be an asshole/loser, one that i hurt, and one that well... heh.

i've been with a couple people i thought i could fall in love with, and that appeared to be in love with me only to have them, for lack of a better term "nut up" on me... either push me away or become all jealous/possessive.

i've been kevin's fuck toy throughout most of it... since march of 2004.

sometimes i think even talking to or chatting with people is an excersise in futility. that no one will like me for "me." that i will never fall in love, or have those feelings returned.

 i feel incredible dissed by someone i care alot about right now... based largely on my temper due to misinterpeting something he wrote... and even though its cleared up i still feel like shit about it because, well, i can't really explain it... i guess thinking about the logical expectations of things with him and all that...

i have had every reason to give up.

i mean really, what reason do i have to even bother? i have absolutely NOTHING going for me in the "relationship" department.

but i'm too much of a sadomasochist to quit.

once again... i DO NOT want to go to work today.

i'm also stressed out because of matthew's birthday and that i haven't been able to plan anything due to the lack of funding. he wanted a big party like his friend phillip, but we just don't have the space here. they have a nice fenced in yard and yeah even though they have 2 dogs, neither of them is a psycho dog that thinks he is required to dig ankle breaker holes all over the yard. gee i could just see him with some 20 head of kids out there. yikes! at least he is generally quiet. i know matthew misses his sheila pup though. that dog loved him and was considerably more well behaved than adhd dog out there that is a bundle of energy.

oh yeah... not only am i lacking matthew's birthday all pt together they way it should be... christmas is in how many days? i wonder if i have ani antidepressants around from the last year or so i was married. of course most of 'em take a few weeks to kick in... and i also would care less about sex if i was taking 'em. or at least some of them will do that. prozac will. arrrhg... time for me to go to work.

yeah the day was crappy, but i don't want to forget the bright spots in it.

matthew and the squirrel for one, him laughing as it tried dragging an old shirt of mine up in a tree.

and him while we were in walmart getting a few things (acceptable shoes for one) and his concern over what was the least expensive.

us working on the christmas tree too...

not everything is bad.

my dsl is fucked up. or maybe its the same problem with the screwy phone line that hasn't been fixed? hell if i know.

it was a kinda rough day, mainly because i am cranky.

i feel like i could sit and pour a glass if something cold that burns as you sip it.

which is why i don't buy anything like that.

maybe its just way past time for a booty call.

last night my mom needed "rescued" downtown i swear that woman can kill any car. this time it was the lights being in and needing a jump. i was at work, the sis i live with was here watching matthew, and the other one and her hubby and kids that live with mom were at their place. i'm sure mom called her 1st... and of course she couldn't help. she never does. she will not wake her mechnic husband up to go help either. she never will. i've been broken down myself a few times and asked. her response is always "i'd rather not" in this snotty bitchy tone of voice that just makes me want to scream at her. one thing i can say for my ex, and always could, if you call with a mechanical difficulty he will fix it. of course now that we are divorced its "at his convienence" but he still would. hell he was in the top 3 people i called when my driveshaft fell out at ryan's. and sis won't even ask her hubby if he'd help. i'm sure he would. i think she's a bitch sometimes. if she needs help with stuff she expects it RIGHT THEN and everything is an EMERGENCY. she broke down once, her hubby turned out to already be on his way, yet she calls me... as it turned out to dump her kids on me (like she always does) because she is "stressed." i started out there thinking her and the kids were stuck on the side of I-516, then get a call saying that she was at paul's work with the kids... add to that that she even had frickin' transportation home! she lives 10 miles from me. i drove 30 to go meet her at her hubby's work and get her kids. sisters can be so overrated.

anyway, the sis i live with ends up having to wake matthew up (its 10:30pm) and drag him out with her. i managed to get off work early and catch up to her and get him so he doesn't have to go all the way into savannah. we get home and he goes back to bed without a fuss. 

i could hear him talking in his sleep and just being restless. he often is. he has nightmares, wakes slightly... sometimes crying a bit. i don't think being on adderall helps. he did wake up pretty easily this morning... but DAMN! i didn't know whether to hug him, spank him, just send him back to bed and make him play hookey from school or what.

he wouldn't put down the football. he's tossing it in the air... just that light kinda hand to hand thing... thup... thup... thup...

finally gets redirected into putting his shoes on.

starts flipping out about shoes. he wants new shoes.

he owns more shoes than me... its just that he wants to wear a certain pair of shoes... there is a hole in the toes where the sole is coming loose.

"the coach will write me up in PE and take a grade off if I wear my yu gi oh shoes mom. i have to wear tennis shoes. do you WANT me to get a grade off? in 1st grade they take grades off!"

in arguable fact: the yu gi oh shoes ARE tennis shoes.

he starts hunting his "fire sneakers" which are those kinda skateboarding type shoes. he drags out his football cleats. his hot wheels sandles.

"i can't wear the yu gi oh shoes. they feel funny on my feet."

fact #2: they are the same size and style as hole in the toes shoes that he claims feel fine.

fact #3: its time for him to go wait for the bus.

then he starts stressing about some papers, the weekly report thing the teacher sends home.

i wish i could have just kept him home. he wants to go to school, which is a good thing, but days like today... maybe a benedryl and back to bed would be better.

there is a school christmas lunch thing. i have a feeling that i will spend it chatting with his teacher.

oh i crashed hard when i got offa here last night. curled up in bed and fell right to sleep. woke up a few hours later and tossed and turned and flipped the pillows around and just could not sleep. i'd lay there thinking... doze a bit... then wake up thinking about something else. i feel a bit dizzy and nauseous this morning. i have 6 minutes before i need to wake matthew up to get ready for school.

stepmom is supposed to be picking him up from school as i have to work until 6pm. she plans on taking him over to jason's house or something. i've never been to jason and jimmy's new place. guess i'll see it this evening.

matthew sounds like he is waking up, i bet he'll still put up the usual fight as to getting out of bed. he won't want to miss the bus though. he likes hanging with his friends. he'll be dissapointed he doesn't get to ride it home. silly kid.

well one minute...

guess i'll write about the stuff that was bugging me last night after i get him out the door.

then i am going to try and nap until i have to go to work.

i doubt kev'll be making it out this way... when i talked to him a few minutes ago he said he was on the side of the road laying in the grass. i worry about him. i shouldn't care. but i do.

i'm glad i have matt to talk to right now.

you know how horoscopes can be construed to suit your purposes?

part of mine:
Daily Singles:
A blast from the past will appear when you least expect it, and it might shake your newfound and hard-won romantic confidence to the core. Go ahead and shake, then reground yourself. (as if i HAD any romantic confidence!)

incidently, kev called a couple more times. sounds to be in a bad way as far as sobriety goes. matt had told me to not answer the phone... i wish it was that easy.

if kev is going to drive his drunk ass out here i'd like to know about it.

kev's called a few times in the past 10 minutes. i'm shivering.

i want matt to talk to. but then again matt would probably tell me to go fuck kev.

kevin doesn't seem to understand that even if i wanted to, i can not leave these kids here alone. granted i was babysitting a bit by the time i was 8 or 9 or so, but my kid is just turning 7, and my niece is only 4.

even if nothing is likely to happen, i will not leave them, not even for a minute. heck, i'd feel guilty walking down the road, with the house in eyeshot. can you imagine anything more terrifying for a kid to wake up from a nightmare (which my son frequently has) and not know where your mommy was? i can't do it. no way. too many "what ifs" to even contemplate.

and of course kevin has had too much to drink. so's his buddy that he is hanging out with. they were playing the "here you get her to come out here" game, passing the phone around the bar. it sounded like they're having fun... and will be pretty much passed out in a couple hours.

damnation. i can't think. you'd think that talking to him wouldn't turn my guts to jelly and legs into noodles after however many months its been... one? two? i don't know. something like that.

conditioned response.

lust.

where is matt? asleep maybe? out? none of my business, but i am habituated to talking to him... and thinking about other things having to do with him... even if i am not who he wants.

i didn't do the group home grocery shopping when i was supposed to last week, part of it being as i have felt so sick, and also since i'd have to go in my truck since the work van is in the shop (no brakes! eeek!). i ended up taking my kid and niece with me. she wasn't bad... but HIM... toddlers behave better. i don't know if he was showing out because it was so crowded or what. i am exhausted. i'd like nothing better to hang with an adult friend and just vegetate.  sis is dressed and ready to go on her date with her mafia boyfriend. i guess anything i do will be involving kids. i kinda want to take them downtown, but i am broke. granted they are fed and all that, and i have over half a tank of gas... heh.

i wish i was evil.

i wish i was the type who can use and manipulate people.

i wish i could fucking trust someone.

i wish i could make things different.

i wish i was the type that just ran away from my problems.

i wish i didn't give a shit.

i wish i had no conscience.

i wish alot of things... but you know what they say about wishing...

i just had a call from japan. remember the mean marine? granted the call concluded with his talking about laundry, but i am still impressed nonetheless. what impresses me most is that he actually had my phone number still. i have er.. somewhere... maybe. as a gf pointed out to me just a minute ago, he coulda looked it up, cell record, whatever. oh well. maybe i'm just too easily amused... ohhh shiny.. what's that... brb...

btw... no word from matt... how am i supposed to fall asleep??

Your First Name of: Jennifer

The name Jennifer creates a dual nature in that you can be very generous and understanding, but you can also be so candid in your expression that you create misunderstanding. You struggle with the requirement to soften your expression with tact and diplomacy and to consider the feelings of others. Difficulty in accepting advice or admitting that you may have made a mistake causes you to appear to be stubborn and set in your ways. Thus, you have too often created the wrong impression, and friendships have suffered.

Even though the name Jennifer creates the urge to be artistically creative and original, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, and tension or accidents to the head.

Click here for a description of your first and last names combined.  

or here to the page i came from http://www.kabalarians.com/" title="http://www.kabalarians.com/" target="_blank"http://www.kabalarians.com/

sis wanted to get matthew to go christmas shopping with her. guess what they got? themselves "wednesday presents." i have no clue what sis got, but matthew HAD to have a "HALO car" from gamestop. the sneaky thing has been trying to find a way to slip it into his bookbag to bring to school too. SB was right about the "decsent into madness." his and his buddies are a tad obsessive i think. not that bad. heck... i spent how long being "toto" from the wizard of oz while my best friend was dorothy? i think that ended when i was 4. what did i play when i was 6? i can't remember. i'll have to ask mom and dad. i remember riding my bike alot... which he does too.

i had kinda wanted to bring him to school today... sneak in that extra time. but he likes riding the bus... his friends all do. i remember missing in on purpose, prefering to walk. too bad the school isn't close enough for that. i'd doubt this bunch would make it to school though. they'd be at the nearest creek poking dead things with sticks. or making theings dead to poke with sicks. or poking things with sticks until they were dead...