i am pretty much thinking at the moment that there isn't enough sex, violence, and heavy metal music in the world right now to fix my mood. the edge is off it at least thanks to someone listening and in turn distracting me from my own thoughts of just what a baseball bat would sound like as you sank it into someone's skull by telling me tales of his own aggressive behavior as of late. still, i hate feeling like this, this feeling where i know exctly why people blow up buildings and go on homicidal rampages... oh the hell of not being sociopathic! of actually having the conscience and sanity to think about the consequences of my actions! maybe i will go and see if i have any xanax or something... i need to rest, and to not be a bitch in the morning. sometimes being a bitch gets you nowhere, and i want this fixed. i might explain the entry title later. i'm beyond wanting to think.
i just got back from hanging with the boys... ryan and his roomie. i had gone up to visit after the prevention of violence class we were supposed to have at work fell through. i needed to return a dvd to ryan and get one i loaned him back. on the way up an acquaintance called... and as usual with some of these guys it had to do with his dick and perhaps getting it inside me sometime. at one point when we were initially talking he had expressed interest in maybe dating, but he was going through a divorce. now that he's divorced its all about his cock. i understand... been there, done that when i went though my divorce only it was about getting fucked as rough as i was feeling. but as i basically told him, what makes him so special that i should with him? and to just call expecting it? kev or daniel can call like that and i'd be up for it... but they had to "work" to get to that point. jason could maybe get to that point where maybe i'd go for it... but this guy? ha. i was pretty clear with him, and he seemed agreeable to trying another approach. he and i went through a spell where we talked a good bit. might be nice to again. well while i was on the cell with him i passed a cop car on the side of the road... i wasn't sure of the speed limit or how fast i was going... just knew i was leaving one of those speed trap towns where its pretty much nothing but woods but they assign it city limit speed. and fuck he pulled out and followed me. i told BT that it looked like i was getting a ticket... these cops are so lazy. if they pull out, they mean to write a citation. he follows me until i hit a 45mph sign and then hits his blues. the last time i got pulled over was on my way back from colin's when he was still on the island and i had met him via 3some with kev for the 1st time... oh that was an interesting conversation with that officer! sometime later he busted me and kev for sex in public... i think our #3 conversation with cops after having out pants down. anyway... i figured i had this ticket no matter what, and got all my info ready for him. he didn't want ins card.. just my ID, i guess he called in the plates before he hit the blues. we went though the usual questions regarding speed and limits. and i gave my usual fucked up answers messing with him... and he didn't give me the ticket. coolness. i have gotten pretty damn lucky. me and ryan and his roomie hung out... made a lackanooky junk food run... well maybe not lackanooky because i was actually hungry and they had no food and they needed food... got back and snacked, roomie went to bed and me and ryan watched audition... thats some freaky shit. "deeper deeper..." and NOT in a good way. he borrowed 3 movies and loaned me 3 got the hug goodbye and i headed home. couldn't keep my mond straight all the way home. damn kev. damn sex. i'd think about him and as my friend said last night "you're creaming your jeans just talking to him" well it was maybe worse tonight THINKING about him. well not HIM. SEX with him. big difference. and being i cum so easy... just thinking about it... yeah... i had drifted away... but fuck... back into it i go. i got some other options i wanna delve into, so chances are those that read this and don't already know me... well... read the archives. expect more of the same. maybe worse.
i had put a friend off to go out last night with my sis and that gf of mine, gave him a raincheck for today.. er yesterday. this guy... i used to see him it seems like a lifetime ago but only yesterday. he is such a... well... wow. have i gone on about when he called me and was telling me his favorite memory about me and all that? i think i have. i love the way he talks... he's just... uh have i said "wow" yet? he has been telling me since he got his new apt (he is recently home from iraq) that i am welcome anytime... all that. he uggests today i get over there by "1500" so we can chill and watch the game. i got there right on time... mmmm kissing.... i remember when we slept together naked, his arms around me... yeah... i had put sex off limits for the time being and he was cool with that even though he used to call me his tigress... such a nice sunday afternoon... watched the game... i'd be lying if i said absolutely no fooling around occured. we watched a movie. he cooked supper, and always with the doing stuff for me without asking... anticipating... have i said "wow" yet? i left about 9pm. i hadn't got far when a guy i know called. i don't know about him. i had told a friend i'd call her later and did so, she was lonely and bummed, asked me to come over... i was in the neighborhood... we chilled a bit, decided to make a lackanooky junk food run. we get back to her place, as i am getting out the phone rings... "you can just kiss of into the air... behind my back you can see them stare..." however that song goes.
i am a deer trapped in the headlights.
adrenaline... lust... i'm shaking...
my friend is all "hey jen? jen? are you coming? hello?"
rational thought has been exterminated.
all i can think about is kev. i have no reason to say no. at least no reason i could think of... i invite her along... she is curious. not in a sexual way, but i think she had heard me talk about what a god/demon this man is that she just wanted to see for herself. thats cool. i don't really want to share anyway. not that i would mind that much either way.
we meet halfway. he's staying up near where i live... but i'm in town with the friend...
she thinks he looks like a psycho.
i like that way he looks.
and kisses.
and all those other unspeakable acts...
i feel a bit on the atrocious side right now though... see the beginning of the post. earlier i was with someone who is awesome in almost every way... but who did i fuck?
why?
am i kev's bitch? i mean hell... he has out lasted every other semblance of a relationship that i have had...
it feels so good right now... endorphin afterglow...
addiction perhaps?
my friend was not impressed by him... but thats ok... to each their own.
now i need to go figure out how to get those stains out of my jacket...
damn i ignored my phone earlier. when me and jason met up he had set the ringer on my phone to "tainted love" for whenever he calls. i was like "what the hell?" when it rung and went back to sleep. don't know how i woulda reacted had it rung playing "dragula." its been so long since i heard that one. or "kiss off." well i need to get ready for work and sis has beat me to the shower. i guess it won't hurt me to take a cold one.
having a big shit eating grin and loving something WAY too much. and gawd i did! too much fun, even if i did turn out to be a extra wheel of sorts. i hope that there will be no regrets... sometimes these sorts of things cause them. but i think everything should be ok. if not, it really won't be MY problem personally... although i'd feel guilty as hell because i am that way.
and speaking of feeling guilty as hell, on my way home earlier i had such a longing for my kid to be home. i hate joint custody. i hate splitting weeks. i feel like half a mom. i want my baby, who seems to being growing up around me so fast i can't keep up. granted him being with his dad is what affords me the luxury of nights of amusemnt like this (and no, i wasn't fucking anybody). but it doesn't change the fact i miss my son. that everytime he comes home, even if its only ben a few days, he seems so different... and all the things that i MISS! his 1st lost tooth... school things that get sent to his dad's and notes about functions that get neglected to get passed onto me. sometimes i wish i could take him and run away... move in with aunt lois in houston... something... anything... away from here...
i really should be in bed right now. i just wish i could shut my brain up. the stuff that went on tonight... last night... night before... i need to be careful... perhaps i should call ricky... not right now, but later. too much too soon... yet not enough... and i know that doesn't make sense unless you have been here. ah, the sun is coming up...
man i wanna post about last night... jason and me out in the rain... but now there is tonight... i finally broke down and saw jon... mmm... and that was nice. they are so very different... and i had such different experiences between last night and tonight. different, but both oh so very good. and i want to indulge in every single detail of both. but this blog still worries me. myspace is just as bad. not that i mind people knowing what i am doing... but... hmm... i'm sure i'll break down and post both. right now i'm having one of those "i can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes" moments. jon had just got out of the shower when i got there (he was dressed) and he greeted me with a kiss... and i greeted him exactly the way he had asked me to when we had talked earlier. i don't want to be a slut... but i also need to explore some options... see who and what i want to do... its a hard thing to decide. its kinda like when you have a box of chocolates (yes i am getting gumpy here) you just don't know which you want by looking at them.. you have to take a little nibble, poke a hole in it and see what's inside... and hope that no one swipes the best piece before you get to it! i am such a bitch, aren't i?
i am one tired jen this morning. funny... being i was in bed by the semi-respectable (for me) 2am. before i put matthew mine to bed last night i had asked if he wanted me to take him to breakfast this morning before school because it will be my last day with him... daddy's week starts today because i have to be into work at 4pm. usually i love taking him to school because it gives me those precious extra few minutes with him to talk and find out whar is going on in his life. he'd rather ride the bus because his friends do, and being as he is 7 his friends are his life. this morning i almost attempted to get out of taking him..."are you sure you want me to take you? you don't want to se your friends?" oh no... i want you to take me mom.
well i'm glad i did. we had the meaningful conversation of "yes we are heading west because the sun is rising behind us" and "you are right! south IS over there" "i guess we are heading southwest now..." fun stuff. i wouldn't trade it for the world.
now why am i so tired?
hehehe
mmmm...
guess y'all will have to read the post when i get around to it... maybe later today...
my dsl crashed on me last night... my apologies to everyone i was chatting with and didn't get back to. called them and got it fixed this morning, another password reset... man i'm sleepy. i don't know why. pms maybe. just feeling like a cranky ass bitch. my boobs hurt. i need to stay up another 30 minutes until customer service opens so i can pay a bill on the phone instead of drive into savannah. there is a fee of $3.95 to pay it over the phone... beats driving into town though. i wonder what my buddy daniel is up to today... he'd cure my pms quick. i'm not sure if i feel like all of that though... plus i hate calling people. in all honesty i think i'm more in a "i'd give head for a decent back massage" mood than anything. but i'm a good girl. and i don't want to leave the house. i wanna get this bill paid and then take my meds and go back to bed. i didn't sleep well last night, as usual. i would startle awake thinking i heard the phone or something. i guess i miss it ringing at night so my brain is manufacturing what its habituated to responding to.. kinda like after my brother died i'd wake up thinking i heard him doing his normal thing... getting ice from the freezer, walking around, the tv coming on. the mind is a funny thing. i remamber that whole "does the mind actually exist" debate in my psych classes. that one professor that i got along with pretty good, he was of the whole behavioralism/skinner type school. and i have 17 minutes. and pj is online. i guess i'll see what she is up to. and my dsl is still being weird. jon had said he messaged the hell out of me the other night, but i didn't get them. and then i was messaging someone and they didn't get them until after i rebooted. and i have 12 minutes to kill now. bleh. fun post, eh?
sis was on my nerves 1st thing this morning... maybe if i did one of those other things you do in a bed.. like sleep... i'd be less cranky. pj asked if me and the kiddo would like to join her and hers for a movie, we headed into stateboro and saw fun with dick and jane. i coulda waited for the video. and someone else to rent it... but oh well we had fun. we went to the mall, or what they call a mall up there. itty bitty place. me and kid hit sam goody's because i thought ryan had said they had some army of darkness toys there still... WHOOPEE!!! got the kid 3 two packs... and 2 halo toys... and a fight club xbox game for me and sis... and something for someone else that i probably shouldn't have got but oh well. after the movie we went to hang with ryan and his roomie at their place in sylvania. mmm... strawberries... chocolate... and i gave his roomie plenty of other "bad" ideas involving chocolate... yummy ones. we watched transporter 2, i liked the 1st one better. matthew was dozing on the way home, woke up to realize we were on hwy 21 and couldn't figure out how we got there... lots of driving today... 119 to 80 to get to statesboro (30mi) then 80 to 301 to 21 to get to sylvania (some 20-30mi) then 21 home (30mi). yep one big triangle. i'll have to pull up a map for him. he's in bed now... pretty funny him correcting ryan and his roomoe on the type of car that was in the movie... the kid is such a car freak!
i need to get busy.. all the stuff i put off this weekend.. uh month... well lots of catching up at any rate. its fun being a mom.
antsy restless lonely where did all the whorehoppers that wanted to hang a few months ago go? not sure about the army boys... that whole something to do while they are stationed here thing... so there is this one guy, lives like 2 minutes from me... i want someone to talk to.. he's willing to listen. but he's married. but he can also come pick me up at the house and us go driving without me having to drive anywhere... i remind him of my limits.. that we are going to talk... he's going to listen to everything that has ben bugging me lately... and he did. and i now know of a perfect place to dispose of the bodies when i am a serial killer. and i got a bit of the physical attention i needed... not WHAT i needed because it was bad enough in my book the little bit we did... i can just see his wife... "you mean you LISTENED to someone's problems? damn thats worse than fucking her!" when he brought me back home he was making the assumption we'd have a repeat of our visit sometime.. but i set him straight on that quick... told him right now my life is in flux... a few bounderies might be stretched... but i'm not crossing 'em. that massage was nice... but not worth feeling like shit about later.
me and a chic i know were chatting, both of us horny as hell. she was asking if i knew any "hotties." i know plenty of cute guys... most of them DICKS. i'd hate to hook her up with someone i wouldn't fuck myself... and if i'd fuck them, then why should i share with her? maybe i'm selfish. i'm also really funny about giving anyone anyone else's screen names without permission or warning. people can be weird about that. this one chic i know.. she'll just tell someone to meassage me, and i am clueless as to who they are and all that. it's messed up. not that i mind the occasional random IM... but hell. anyway, i couldn't really share any profiles with her because i had that temper tantrum where i deleted most everything and blocked a bunch of stuff. over what? i don't really remember.
i need something to do. now.
gonna take a few to get used to this new format. the old one worked for me. but hey... change can be good?
i think i'm going to ground matthew from watching the dukes of hazzard movie. its having a negative influence on him. he's been totally off the chain today... as has his dog. the dog i think i am going to bring to the pound, guilty conscience for doing so or not.
ugh i hurt this morning. i turned in early last night, woke up to the kid going 90 to nothing. damn house won't get warm enough, i think the dog, or maybe the cats tore up the duct work under the house.
the past few nights have been subject to some very vivid dreams. disconcerting ones. i'd go into detail... but no. i'll keep 'em to myself.
i ache so bad. i need my back stretched out and oh i don't know.
maybe i'll call my ego boost if i can get matthew watched later. this guy allows me to be purely hedonistic... its been since before i started keeping this blog since i've seen or heard from him. no one that would be for the long term i think... but...
when he called me out of the blue the day before yesterday... his relief that i didn't hang up on him... his talking so fondly of his memories of the times we spent together... telling me his favorite memory of me... the way he talked about his time out in the desert... this guy is such a romantic, says all the right things.. talks of loyalty... just "WOW."
like i said though.. i doubt it'd develop into anything. other then the mutual pleasure seeking, i don't consider him a friend. he's not someone i'd pick up the phone just to talk to... someone i'd have the kid around...
but look what happened to my last judgement call on trusting somebody.
incidently, for whatever reason, matthew is blaming the guy that introduced me to matt. why? i don't know. i didn't even mention him.
my matthew boy is home, and i swear he has grown 3 inches this week. he seemed to be in a pretty good mood... but then in his notebook i see a picture he drew of a car (the general lee of course) but beside it was written
"from matthew to mommy mom i am a loser i never make a 100 please can you tell my dad"
what's going on? i ask... he says he feels bad because he never makes 100's on his papers. i asked if he really wanted me to talk to his dad... he said no. i feel horrible for him... i know its the meds and adhd. genetics as well i think. i wasn't much older than him when i tried to hang myself from a doorknob. but my dad kicked me around... if i got all A's and a B i got bitched at for the B. i was NEVER told i was good. and mom... heh. but i don't think matthew is abused? i hope he isn't... i am really starting to think counseling is in order. he said he was fine tonight. he also hasn't asked about matt yet. i'm not going to bring him up.
i have other, better news, involving my ego. but i want to focus on my kid right now, make sure he is ok... my news can wait.
there is a series by spider robinson dealing with callahan's crosstime saloon. my friend daniel "made" me read a few of the books, he also insisted that i read that sexy losers comic strip. both of which i liked. there was a site he told me about that he thought i oughta look at but i can't remember what it was. i'll ask the next time i see him, whenever that might be. i talked to him sunday night i think it was he said something about trying to get his sleep schedule back in line. when i saw him the other night he had found the whip i gave him for his birthday a couple years ago.. too bad he didn't use it on me... oh yes.. there was a point i wanted to get to... there is something from those books that bears sharing:
Callahan's Law
Also known as the Law of the Conservation of Pain and Joy: "Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased — thus do we refute entropy."
Stated another way: "Just as there are Laws of Conservation of Matter and Energy, so there are in fact Laws of Conservation of Pain and Joy. Neither can ever be created or destroyed. But one can be converted into the other."
this has gotten quite sickening. everytime i go to log into yahoo another screen name is there in the place of mine with the password area blank. i check the profiles belonging to the screen names... 2 of 'em are 15 year old girls... one was "juggalette" something then a "mixxmutt3" and a couple others. what the hell is up with this shit? its pretty much the belief of everyone i know that i am being fucked with. and they have a favorite suspect, but i still refuse to believe he is that fucked in the head. i just don't know what anyone hopes to accomplish. i already lost the best friend i've had in ages over it. who did i piss off? i also see i have a new newbie comment. dandy. how long before they are being made with my account again? shitheads.
in other news, psycho dog broke his collar this time, sis spent $20 on a new one for him, took him to petsmart with matthew-mine. had he not been home she probably wouldn't have done shit.
i'm tired.
jon (one of my friends that has been in iraq) wanted me to come to his place tonight but i chose to stay home and do laundry. yippeee.
yet another reason not to hang out w/ LT. he always has candy around. stuff i like. starbursts last time. chocolate tonight. yeah, put the kinda low feeling diabetic with an oral affixation in a room with a bunch of candy and a big ol' country boy that knows he couldn't keep up with me in the sack. guess what gets eaten?
i can't even damn masturbate to the point where i get off lately.
when i gave up looking for the dog and started off to work he came running for the truck. i'm ashamed to say i lost my temper. sis wouldn't help... not even go get a new chain knowing i had to be in THEN. i call my boss, i am so fucking lucky to have such a great job and boss, she says don't worry about it, come on when i get it taken care of. i cry all the way to the store... upset at myself for kicking the dog like i did... remembering an instance when my mom did the same to me... only she didn't stop... screaming "i hate you" and i fear that one day it may not be the dog that gets kicked if i lose my temper like that again... i THINK i have better control... i wanted so bad to call someone... someone i used to spend some 6000 minutes a month on the phone with... someone i knew could distract me... but i didn't. i was afraid. afraid either he'd bitch at me for calling... oh hell i don't know. just afraid. afraid because i never felt so much like picking up a razor again or broken glass something... what gives us this "i must punish myself" mentality? both my son and nephew have it... and i have seen others do things that indirectly have the same effect as a knife...
well enough of the morbid...
i got the dog squared away. got to work. mt boss had gone ahead and clocked me in for the time i was supposed to be there... we chat a few... i let her know what has been going on with me... she tells me i need to call her boss when i get back from picking up the guys from therapy...
seems that we will be needing someone to take over CPI training. and the current instructor would like that someone to be me. of course it needs approved from the higher ups... but if it does i'll be teaching the crisis prevention/intervention classes for all the georgia sites. which i would love to do... travel, change, new people... all of which i love. its only a few times a year... we don't have much turnover with our agency so i'd mainly be doing recert classes and the occassional full course if we have a new hire... there are 5 different sites over the state though... i think i'll like it.
well i'm off to go hang with a friend... aloneness is not a good thing for me right now.
Relationships are the key to life -- all relationships, from the most casual to the most important. How do you treat the people in your life? How do they treat you? Are you presenting your best self with them?
that was part of my horoscope today. i think it bears consideration for everyone... how do we treat those around us? do we treasure the relationships that we have? be it with our closest friends and dearest enemies? or do we take them for granted, abuse and neglect them and then wonder why we have no one to fall back on... no one to love, no one to hate... just an empty emotionless void. a black pit that once was our living breathing soul. man by nature is a social creature... we need other people to thrive. or at the very least an aversion to others, the desire to be left alone or piss people off i suppose. when we hurt physiolocicaly or emotionally we need others to reflect back on us our pain that we can see it clearly and place what is wrong... "a pain shared is a pain diminished" something like that. callahan's saloon. spider robinson... hero.
ah well... enough rambling.
i've tried. i'm tired.
another part of my horoscope:
You won't like hearing this, but you need to be patient today. The barriers you're facing right now won't succumb to your traditional approach: 'Apply battering ram, and repeat as needed.'
i know when to quit.
*throws the ball back into mid-court and waits to see if it gets picked up and passed back*
Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.
Thus we refute entropy.
--Spider Robinson
STRESS MANAGEMENT: A VISUALIZATION
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water...
There now, feeling better?
Source: Mental Health Net
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Gustav Jung
"In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better."
Cynthia Ozick
"Being misunderstood by someone is vexation. Being misunderstood by everyone is tragedy."
