gawd what a great day... me and my new crush... shit... he HAD me this morning... i hope i'm not dissapointed when we meet up. i'm feeling pretty shitty on the one hand about a guy that has been extremely patient and wants me pretty bad... its weird though... this other guy with the same name as the psycho fuck buddy... well our trains are running on the same track... i just wonder if they are running at the same speed in the same direction or if we are heading for a major crash here. when we talked tonight i was perfectly honest... told him exactly what i was thinking... and he could finish the thought for me. fuck. he'll say things like "well you know me" like i actually do, and the funny thing is, i know exactly what he is talking about. and he's got me... damn. only 3 days of talking on the phone and we have this rapport? cars... sex... exes... our dads making us lick batteries to see if they are still good... getting busted by the cops for fucking in public...
oh yeah... i hope things go well when i meet him. i hope... well i hope i am a good girl...
i also hope that those i may have dissed today forgive me.
i wouldn't have minded going and seeing my buddy up in the boro, but i'm pretty beat right now. he wanted me to come up ealier but i went and hung out with a female friend. i just for whatever reason didn't exactly feel like male company. i did. but didn't. she was really low due to non valentine status. i had would be valentines... but i guess maybe part of me just didn't want to spend the day with a guy just for the sake of saying i had a sweetheart or something.
fuck that. i feel that everyday i am becoming more accepting of myself and who i am, and hell with those who "like me but..." and all that other crap. it may put me closer to having to buy new sex toys, but oh well. it may mean that kev ends up being the most meaningful "relationship" i got going on, but at least i get laid out of that... and get laid the way i want it. when he and i were having sex the other night... man... i could cum right now from just THINKING about riding him... it got so intense i had to quit... i don't know why i can't bring myself over the edge... i can get right to THAT point... and then its too much... i need my sex partner to push me over into that place... this morning, after i got off the phone with kevin... while i was playing with my toy, i ended up balling up my fist o tight that my fingernails left little half moons in my palm... but i still NEEDED fucked... i told him about doing that. we can render each other speechless on the phone. without even having phone sex.
i gotta get my rational thought train back on track.
the army guy buddies will be coming off leave soon...
and i do like jeff...
ARRRGH... women oughta be allowed to have harems. it oughta to socially acceptable for guys to go along with it as well...
my valentine's day is off to a nice start... i ordered a red corset off ebay last night. i hope i sized it right.
was chatting with the new crush... ended up talking to him on the phone and reaching for a toy by the the time we got done talking for now, he's calling me back in a few.
maybe i'll have to go to ottawa and have sean help me with my new corset. that would be fun... i like sean :)
i have a new message from the birthday boy, i wonder if he has found his balls yet...
matthew is eating his supper... eggs, cheese grits, biscuits and gravy, and vegetarian sausage. has to watch speed racer while he eats. the doc has nagged about his lack of weight gain. damn adderall. ok EWW. i tried a piece of the sausage, i'm skipping actual supper due to feeling bloated still from the indian food me and sis ate at lunch... this confirms it... i just don't like sausage. i thought maybe it was the greasiness of it... but no... i just don't like it.
me and sis went shopping this morning... new clothes... i dodn't get home in time to meet jeff... he did not sound happy. i think he thinks i am avoiding him.
ryan mentioned me in his blog again... yippee! the cicumstances kinda suck.. his business, its one of those people suck things. not me. well ok i do but its not like that.
did i already rant about matthew and the grits and cheese? i think i mentioned seeing kev... i'd like to see him again tonight, but as usual i'm trying to avoid that. i have too much going on by way of "potential" to fall back in that habit, to be honest that same goes for daniel as much as i do like him... i have been talking to jeff since the tail end of when i was hanging with steve... what was that, july? this "new" kevin... well he seems to be hitting on all the right responses too... and of course there are the "GI Joes." so hell... i don't know what to do.. its rough being uh... "popular." of course most of these guys i haven't taken for a "test drive" as of yet... but damn... if it comes to it i'm going to have problems narrowing the field, much less just choosing. sometimes just carrying on with kev looks pretty good, but i can't expect people to be around forever... jeff was already dissed once for someone else. maybe i oughta take the advice someone gave me and make score cards? tally up everyone's pros and cons... but jeff i like. jeff also says he's sick of just talking to me. kevin not kev i feel like i have been talking to forever. call him the new crush, i don't know. i'm greedy. i like them all. and i don't want to lose anyone's friendship. i also am scared of changing the dynamics of any existing friendships... like i like my friend ryan that me and matthew hung out with this afternoon. the thought of exploration has crossed my mind... but you know when a chic does that whole let down thing where she says that she just likes you too much? not that he as ever gone there with me so we haven't had that conversation but if he ever did i would end up saying something like that. and not meaning it as a put down or anything... i'm just happy with the way things are. me and matthew go hang with him and his roomie and whatever friends they have over like tonight... we cooked pizza, talked, watched some of a movie... matthew spent most of the time in the roomie's room with him and a friend playing some mario bros game while me and ryan sat in the living room and talked about the insanity of other people... specifically of our recent experiences with our opposite sexes. he gave matthew a bunch of toys i am afraid i am going to step on and hurt my feet and he loaned me dvd's and i loaned him dvd's and well i fear i am rambling. and i have people messaging me... and unfortunately like everyone i know on here i know in real life too so i guess i oughta at least say hello. i kinda figure that its my fault 'cause if i truely wanted left alone i never would have signed on to messenger in the 1st place...
oh that was fun... and my mood is SOOOO much better... i had chatted w/ some friends awhile and eventually went to lay down when SOMEONE messaged me back finally... i had threw out a line to him earlier, but being as he now lives in the same t-mobile void as i do he didn't get the message right away. but thats ok, we did just fine with that hour i had before sis had to go to work.
definately got exactly what i needed... repeatedly. why is THAT so much different than sex toys? if i could get off that way from my toys... mmmm... problem was i was so "primed" i guess i kept getting off too easily and would have to stop and just calm down... damn... when we had finished i wanted so bad to just do all that all over again... but i had to get home... he gave me this laugh... he just thinks he knows he's got me as far as THAT goes... but thats ok... we'll see... i just had a very nice conversation with someone of the same name who seems quite interesting...
but right now i need to take my lack of sleep sore ass to that evil empire called walmart and pay on a layaway and buy some stuff with my kid.. he's obsessing on grits and cheese. and strawberries. mmm... strawberries...
i swore the boys to good behavior after they ate their pizza and then hit the shower. i think tonight is going to be like a 3 shower night. did basic overall cleansing and washing my hair... scrubbed down with some rosemary mint body wash. maybe i should go all american psycho here? hehehe
anyway, the kids finished watching madagascar and jeremy insisted on evil dead 2 being put in, his theory being that it should start with ash kicking deadite butt. he'll love it.. it starts the same way as the video game with all the furniture laughing at him. they are too funny with the previews... "the man with the screaming brain" i want that!!! "evil dead regeneration" oh oh oh i have that game!!!
they are cute kids. spoiled rotten little brats bossing each other around. cute anyway though. in a few minutes jeremy will be yelling at the movie...
the co-worker who was supposed to relieve me came in late... i didn't get out until after 7pm. matthew was home with sis and jeremy. the boys were waiting on me to bring pizza and movies. i walk in the door, the boys are on the floor wrestling and the house was a wreck and sis was locked in her room. grr. jeremy sees the movies in my hand... "its the necronomicon ex mortis it really is!" let's just say he's an evil dead fan. have you ever heard an 8 yr old try to say "necronomicon" its funny. my kid has been hyper since i came in the door... loud, annoying. jeremy was trying to watch the movie and matthew wouldn't shut up. then he up and turns it off. i threatened to put him to bed, called him a brat... but then hesitated on the full blown sending him to bed and all that... that meltdown the other night fresh in my mind. but what to do? i can't let him get away with being a brat... but i don't want to contribute to any further melt downs... ugh... anyway they are pretty content watching madagascar now. jeremy says he is dissaponted he didn't get to watch the other movie, but he can watch it later or tomorrow. like me, he is the oldest and he is used to not getting his way in favor of younger siblings/cousins contentment. i'll buy him something cool tomorrow or something. and he'll be pretty geeked that i got him "the lost boys" foe his birthday, much to my son's annoyance because we don't have it on DVD and now jeremy will... just imagine the competition when they hit puberty! but anyway i just want peace and quiet now... and maybe a booty call later after they have gone to bed if my sister is still home to watch them...
got up, got mini me off to school... went back to bed. i suck. i am a sloth sometimes. but damnit i have YET to get my sleep-in day!!! so i'm having odd-ball nightmares again and then sis wakes me up, "i'm taking your truck." huh? why? "remember you said i could use it to help amalia move." yeah, vaguely like weeks ago. i warn her about it not starting right downtown the other night. then remamber i have stuff i need to get out of there... my new whip, the vibrator boxes are behind the seat... SHIT. quick clean up, she takes the green beast and i go back to bed. just when i turned the alarm off i dunno. i woke up with 25 minutes to get to work, ended up 7 minutes late. bleh.
and just why do i have no frickin' ketchup??? we have 3 or 4 things of pickle relish, 2 yellow mustards, 2 small jars of mayo... a plethora of other condiments, but no ketchup!!! grr
the little dog ate some of sis's clothes hehe
i'm trying to stay awake to finish my laundry.
*yawn*
jeff is evil, he made me so damn horny when we were talking. he said it was revenge for wht i have done to him the past few nights... ha. i've been a good girl. or maybe that has been the problem?
well lets see.. it was my katie-bug niece's birthday today, she's 5... i remember when i thought my son turning 5 was impossible... and now he's 7... eeek!
according to my single, childless, sis that i live with who is the subject of my occasional posts on sororicide katie got entirely too many toys and who needs that many toys and they are all spoiled brats.
THAT'S NICE.
i had a long slow day at work, but didn't threaten to euthanize anybody. sis brought me up some birthday cake and my son got some hugs from my son, gave the cake away to one of the group home guys, the one who had kitchen clean up duty. the one that has been getting progressively battier had asked for it, but then "heard something" and changed his mind. he's been getting worriesome... his OCD behavior is going to have us all nutso. they had a "substitute doctor" who changed his meds despite the fact that he was about as fine as he could get on the others. i hope he doesn't go the way of the one that i have to go to court about. damn medication changes.
had a call from someone that brightened my day... called him back after the guys were settled for the night. he's definately a sweet one. valentine potential? hehe...
it's not even 1am and i am already dreading not so much going to bed, but getting up... i think thats why i stay up so late, weird logic but i think it makes sense. grrrrragh... its grocery day tomorrow. hell. maybe i'll forget so i can put it off a day. i don't think that they are out of anything. blech. i hate going to walmart!
at least i have my buddy boy home, i wonder if he'll be wanting to ride the bus with his friends or hang with me... i wish i knew exactly what to do about his self esteem. i'm so damn good with other people, but my own kid? i guess its because he matters more and i'm afraid of fucking up. *sigh*
on that... away from here for now... to bed with me here in a few...
1) woke up early after going to bed late 2) damn allergies from that dog 3) sore throat 4) still sore from daniel 5) masturbated anyway 6) went back to bed and didn't sleep 7) kid got home 8) went into town with the kid 9) picked up that chic-friend on the way 10) i have a cough 11) spent too much money again 12) truck wouldn't start right away downtown 13) kid had a major meltdown 14) the mean marine called and told me i only call him when i'm horny but i call him less than that and told him so 15) another buddy just asked how many different guys i'm fucking 16) my yahoo keeps messing up 17) i wanna see jeff but all we seem to be able to get together is phone calls 18) my kid called himself a "fucking asshole" which is something he has NEVER heard from me 19) he cried 20) he says his dad loves lynn more than him 21) i wanna take him and move 22) i want to give him to his dad less 23) matthew had a horrible tantrum and hit me several times 24) i blocked with my arm and now it hurts bad 25) should i have beat his butt for it? i didn't.. i laid on a guilt trip instead. he cried.
i don't like it when he cries. he seemed happy enough after supper and getting to bed...
i bought him a betta fish earlier today, before the tantrums. he named it max. he's pretty... deep blue fading to a lighter blue. that friend of mine helped pick him and the stuff for him out. i think his aquarium clashes with him though. its purple. she swears they don't clash. heh. i think so. but she's happy and the boy was happy. and the fish doesn't care.
alms had a potato on her blog and it looked fun... i figured with all the hits i get that if i got a potato it'd be around the country in no time... but NO its stuck in ohio. c'mon y'all... click the link over there and pass that tater!
and in other news... hmm... did i mention the super bowl party at the one friend's place? not much to mention really... i ccoked brownies that the guests pronounced as being better than sex... sopapillas that were better than foreplay... some other stuff that was good, but not dessert food. i like cooking. or more strictly speaking... i like cooking to impress people. oh hell... who am i kidding... sometimes i just like impressing people! ok, enough with letting my ID run free... what else has gone on besides that that i didn't mention in my previous post that MULDER said was TOO LONG. i wonder if this post will beat it for length? doubt it. i missed kev again last night... mentioned that though. i swapped out toys with my friend today because hers got broke at the party last night. i figure daniel maybe can fix it, he's good at stuff like that. you know i'm going to be in the toy store buying stuff again soon so i'll get her a new one like the one that broke and swap back because i like the one i had... something. i'm kinda missing the one i gave/loaned her but thats ok. i have others. she doesn't.
i keep thinking about how "tickled" in his words jeff was that i called and how he called me back when we got off the phone last night. it makes me smile. i called him again tonight and that makes me smile too. i wonder if... well no... hmm... well let me just sit here and smile and keep those thoughts to myself...
well actually the past couple days... they have been great. chilling with that new chic friend of mine... fuck that alleyway downtown though... my gawd that was a tight squeeze! that walmart run and me getting home at 4 or 5am kinda bit. then a buddy of mine calling at 8:30am... we went fishing... not until afternoon, but i still woulda liked more sleep. he was very sweet... he and i had started taking maybe a year ago and he had expressed interest in dating me... but then turned around and started obsessing on his cock and where he could stick it... so i basically told him.. "you and how many other guys want to do that? what makes you so special that i should go there with ya?" which apparently he got the message... and our fishing trip was QUITE nice... everything he caught got thown back, and i suspect it was the same little baby fish. the damn thing jumped back on the hook with no bait even when we were packing up to move to another spot. i really liked this excursion today.
after i left i went to go hang out with the girl buddy... we were all over damn savannah, but it was fun. we bought toys. i got a new flogger and vibrator. which reminds me... there was someone i had promised on getting one... i haven't forgot!
i dissed her for a guy again though... i so suck! but new flogger... new toy... daniel... mmmmmmm... kisses and spanks and being bit on my ass... not being allowed to touch him, which is such a torture in itself... and fuck that man can damn rearrange my internal organs! its been so long... i had to ask him to ease up a bit...
but damn my new flogger... it makes me feel awefully Domme-ish... and its been along time since i took some subbie ass...
yes.. a kick ass day... i hope tomorrow is just as good.
i am going to sleep and gonna stay asleep and y'all aren't gonna stop me. i'm nor getting up until i damn well feel like it even if sis has made me feel guilty because she has cleaned house and i'm lazy.
kiddo is with his dad, and i had planned on sleeping in, getting up at noon. that didn't happen. the space alien dog woke me up wanting to go out at 8am. ugh. i decided to go online, check my bank statement and make sure that i have still won. i log into yahoo out of force of habit... had some 17 offline messages... few of which from a screen name i hadn't seen since i dissed him at thankgiving. he wanted me to call him...
i might have missed my sleep... but damn what a way to waste a morning.
Shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.
Thus we refute entropy.
--Spider Robinson
STRESS MANAGEMENT: A VISUALIZATION
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water...
There now, feeling better?
Source: Mental Health Net
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Gustav Jung
"In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better."
Cynthia Ozick
"Being misunderstood by someone is vexation. Being misunderstood by everyone is tragedy."
